Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slightly delicate matter...

86 replies

reachforastar · 19/11/2017 02:26

I am new to this site and would be interested in whether others thought and whether I was being 'pathetic'

DH and I have a 4 month old.

As I am on mat leave I sleep with the baby to allow DH to get a good sleep and so he is refreshed for work.

This week DH is on leave and slept with me for one night. The following night I asked whether he would be sleeping with me and he said he was too tired from.the disrupted sleep; our baby was just up the once for which I saw to him.

Anyway, I must have asked DH 4 times to stay with me the following night but he was too tired and off he went to the spare room.

The following morning I was making the beds and there it was, the ofending article, a mound of toilet roll on the floor next to DH's bed. DH had obviously had a good time without me.

I was upset because DH had rolled over and gone to sleep the previous night, the last time we had sex was some 4 weeks ago and DH Had gone from me asking him to sleep with me straight to the bathroom, got his toilet roll and done the deed all whilst i'm in the next room.

I asked DH why he had done it and he said I was 'pathetic' and if I was upset Bout such a thing it was time I went back to work...

I just wondered what other's thought and whether I am just being 'pathetic'

OP posts:
Sasmac2017 · 19/11/2017 06:55

Op, I would be seriously fucked off too. I would feel rejected.
I can't say I'm in the same boat, but we had a baby 3 months ago and I'm lucky if we DTD once a week. Not enough in my opinion, hubby reckons its work stress. I call bullshit.
Xx

Italiangreyhound · 19/11/2017 06:55

You are not pathetic but your dh is.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 19/11/2017 06:58

I think that finding the tissues on the floor was the last straw for the Op. When you're feeling rejected the last thing you want to feel is that you aren't even worthy of a quick fumble. To me, the main issues are your DH not pulling his weight and the way he spoke to you.
I'd sit him down and tell him how his behaviour has made you feel. Try to create an atmosphere of mutual validation. Take turns listening without interrupting and you might find that if he doesn't feel attacked he will be more likely to see your point of view.
Calling you pathetic is unacceptable. As is being lazy.
If he doesn't see his selfish behaviour yhrough your eyes then i would recommend couples therapy. The first years of childrearing are bloody hard. You need to be a team. Otherwise you'd be better off sailing solo. Not that I'm suggesting you split up over this. But it will only get harder and he really needs to step it up and apologise to you.

HashtagTired · 19/11/2017 07:01

I’m surprised at some of the responses about helping out (not about the masterbating or the language he’s used).
I’m on mat leave do I see it as mostly my job to look after the children and house. If he were to be on paternity leave I’d expect the same in reverse. Yes the person working should help when on leave or days off, but to help and go to work I think is a bit much. To be fair, my dh does take our youngest until midnight so I go to bed once the eldest is in bed. So I get 3/4/5 hours sleep. But after midnight(ish) I do everything and he sleeps in the spare room. There’s no point in him staying with me and the 11 week old and us both being woken up. Once I have walked the eldest to school, me and the youngest can always cancel our plans and relax at home if it’s been a bad night.
When I am back to work, yes, it’s definitely 50/50. When the little one isn’t waking every 2-3 hours at night, dh will sleep in the bedroom again.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/11/2017 07:09

I don’t agree on a 50:50 split of nights if you’re on maternity leave with one baby. I think looking after the baby is your job. I would agree with a split on his days off.

You’re not BU to be upset at the mess and being called pathetic.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/11/2017 07:15

But he didn't leave the tissues to be found and cleaned up by OP. She decided to go into the spare room and make the bed. Why?

He absolutely should be taking his fair share of the night shifts - especially while on leave and he absolutely shouldn't have spoken to you the way he did.

But stop facilitating that. If you clean around after him he's being infantilised - so he's acting like one.

deepestdarkestperu · 19/11/2017 07:16

If one parent is home, I don’t think nights should be split 50/50. He he should definitely take over at weekends or if he’s on holiday/off the next day, though.

Is he comfortable co-sleeping? I certainly wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing there was a tiny baby lying next to me - I’m a restless sleeper and constantly toss/turn and wake up with the duvet or pillow over my head. I couldn’t sleep knowing there was a chance I would smother/kick the baby by accident.

PoorYorick · 19/11/2017 07:18

He left his jizzy tissues for you to clean up?

That's revolting.

EmmaJR1 · 19/11/2017 07:19

The saddest thing for me reading this is that you don’t share a bed so you are losing intimacy. I know it’s not always possible but my dh and I have never slept apart even when our baby was waking every 45 minutes. I needed the emotional support to help adjust to having a baby and being awake all the time. I understand why OP feels upset.

However the wank thing I would let slide, we all need a bit of effortless relief sometimes. It’s not necessarily a rejection of you OP.

I wouldn’t be mKing the bed and cleaning up his room though.

Our ds is 6 months now and I do Sunday to Thursday nights. My dh does Friday and most Saturdays. But he also deals with any wakings up to 11pm and does baths and what nots. It all helps me have some time to myself.

You need to communicate with your dh. Good luck

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 19/11/2017 07:25

I think your husband is being pathetic. I have never actually known in person a real dad that has slept in a separate bedroom from his wife so as to “get a good nights sleep”

My current husband used to do the night duty with both of his children so as to allow his first wife the luxury of a decent nights sleep as he felt it was more important for her to be refreshed to spend a day with her children.

Your husband sounds pretty immature as well as pathetic. Sleeping apart from his family and having a wank like a schoolboy would have alarm bells ringing for me.

Try asking him when he is planning to do one night shift with your child, so as to allow you one undisturbed night I. 4 months, I’m guesssing from his previous form, he won’t even consider that you might appreciate a nights sleep or even a bit of hows ya father.

RainyDayBear · 19/11/2017 07:30

I don’t think YABU. If he’s not at work, he should be doing a reasonable amount of night wake ups. Even if he’s working he could do one to help. I used to do anything before 4am (3am in the newborn days), after that DP would get up so I’d at least get a chunk of sleep at the end, at the weekends I’d get lie ins. If we were ever having a rough night and I asked for help DP would get up, no questions asked.

The way he’s spoken to you is also out of line, massively. And I would be feeling a bit upset too when you’ve made it clear that a shag is on the cards and he’s essentially turned you down for his hand! I know no one should feel obligated to have sex because the other person wants to, but I’d feel a bit rejected too especially when combined with the rest of it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/11/2017 07:32

I would be asking him how he would cope if you did return to work as he gets overly tired just being in the same room as the baby . How would he cope actually getting up and having to feed and change and settle baby back down to sleep every other night?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 19/11/2017 07:34

I just can not believe he has been on leave for a week and during that time he has, apart from once, enjoyed a full night’s sleep in a separate room where he isn’t disturbed in the slightest. Who the actual fuck does he think he is?

I currently have a 6mo ds2 who sleeps like shit. I don’t expect dh to help at all during the week because he’s working, and he has a hellish drive. But he damn well takes the weekends. To not do so shows such a lack of love and care to your spouse it’s unbelievable.

What possible excuse does he have for needing a full night’s sleep even when on holiday?

WildBluebelles · 19/11/2017 07:34

I have never actually known in person a real dad that has slept in a separate bedroom from his wife so as to “get a good nights sleep”

Really? I know quite a few who do/have done this. It makes perfect sense if you have the space. Why should two people be permanently knackered when only one person is doing the feeds (bf), especially when one of them has to be at work for 10 hours a day when they have to be 'on form'? It then means that the one who works can do the evening shift and the other person can get an early night to try to catch up on sleep. It's different if you don't have a spare room of course.

Original poster
reachforastar · 19/11/2017 07:40

Thank youfor all the responses. It's good to get other people's thoughts on it. I should add a but further information toclarify a couple of pointd. Firstly the baby doesn't sleep in my bed, nor right next to it ss one poster had perhaps suggested. Also I bottle feed the baby. I don't even have an issue about me doing the nights. Importantly, i genuinely don't mind DH masturbating ( as one poster put it 'it's his di*k) but I was upset that he didn't want to sleep with me durubg his leave and proceeded to his spare bedroom via the bathroom to pick up his toilet roll. I then told him that I was upset about the circumstances as a whole, not just about him masturbating and that's when he said I was pathetic.

OP posts:
londonrach · 19/11/2017 07:47

The tissues are yuk and he should have sorted. Re the sleeping in another room whilst on leave im on the fence here. Dh really struggled with lack of sleep when dd came along so he used to look after her till 11am i went to bed 8am. At 11am a fed and newly changed baby was given to me. She then slept to 1am ish. Dh slept in spare room as if you looked ar him you realise how tried he was. However if he had a week off he sleep in our bed maybe once in the middle of the week. Hes a very poor sleeper and tbh if he was tried he just got more and more tried. He returned to our bed when dd moved out into. Her own room at 6 months. I surpose what im saying is it depends on dh and if hes pulling his weight during the day. Everyone works differently. Hope that helps op x

londonrach · 19/11/2017 07:49

I dont know a single family whos hasnt had the dad sleeping in another room for some of the time if it helps op.

WhatwouldAryado · 19/11/2017 07:50

He clearly feels he needs a wank to prove his manliness to himself as his parenting skills and ability to do household tasks clearly pount to him being a helpless child. YANBU

ManateeEquineOHara · 19/11/2017 07:56

YANBU. There is no reason why he should get a good night's sleep over you getting a good night's sleep as you are both working the next day whether that is in the home or outside the home.

He seems not to care how you feel in any of this.

Is he usually a total lazy selfish arse and are you really happy to be in a relationship with this fuckwit?

RidiculousDiversion · 19/11/2017 08:02

londonrach My DH never moved out. Did everything except milk (bring baby, change, put back, re-settle as many times as it took) for first half of the night, I did the second.

We negotiated the details based on needs including his work. It not excluding not sanity! I did more on average, but when I was ill / shattered he stepped up.

WildBluebelles · 19/11/2017 08:04

There is no reason why he should get a good night's sleep over you getting a good night's sleep as you are both working the next day whether that is in the home or outside the home.

There is a big difference and you know it. Try conducting client meetings and negotiations or representing a client in court (who may be sent to prison if you screw up) when you have had 3 hours sleep for the past 2 months. Or performing surgery on a young child. Or driving a bus. You just can't do it. If you are at home looking after just one child, you can have a sofa-day if it has been a bad night. The two are not comparable.

Findingdotty · 19/11/2017 08:12

Your DH doesn't sound very compassionate or supportive. That would be the conversation that I would have about the situation. I wouldn't worry about the wank or the one night he wouldn't sleep with you.
However I would look at making changes to your set up. I would go back to sleeping together as it doesn't sound like it is working well for your marriage as a whole.
But obviously you are not pathetic. Sounds like an angry man lasting out a bit and being very unpleasant and rude. You need to tell him to get lost when he speaks to you like that. Don't just take it.

ClaryFray · 19/11/2017 08:15

My partner doing the deed himself wouldn't bother me in normal circumstances. But you have a young baby and he needs to be more considerate on how your feeling.

He sounds delightful op. Maybe try talking to him straight later on and see what he says then

HashtagTired · 19/11/2017 08:21

Oh wow @ManateeEquineOHara. I can’t believe you actually think that! @WildBluebelles made the point well, so I won’t repeat.

thethoughtfox · 19/11/2017 08:22

It's unreasonable to police an adult and when they touch their own body. However, it is perfectly understandable to feel sad and rejected in that situation. His response to you is unreasonable and the comment about you going back to work coupled with his refusal to do any night time care when he is off work, suggests an underlying problem.