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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH was wrong taking DD’s books away?

80 replies

tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 00:05

DD8 was reading very late & DH had gone in to tell her it was way past the time she should be asleep & to put her book down. I wasn’t in her room but apparently she was grinning at him & was a bit cheeky so he took her books out onto the landing & she cried. I said ( out of DD’s earshot) that I didn’t think he needed to take the books away, then he got arsey & said something like “ Go & put them back then” which I didn’t want to do as it would undermine him. I just think he created upset where it wasn’t necessary.

OP posts:

Thesmallthings · 09/11/2017 00:08

I don't see the problem. She shouldn't be reading.. He took the books away.

user1471443504 · 09/11/2017 00:09

Sounds like she shouldn't have been reading still and shouldn't have been cheeky. I really don't see the problem in him removing them tbh. It's not like he's taken them and binned them is it??
How would you have handled it?

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2017 00:10

So your daughter disobeyed her dad, who told her to stop doing something because it was very late, she grinned at him, was cheeky to him and you think he was wrong?

Can you explain why? Or do you think an 8yr old totally ignoring their parents and being cheeky, is ok?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 09/11/2017 00:10

I think fair enough, if it had been an ipad or toy she shouldn't have been playing with, I'd have taken it away so a book is no different really, especially if she's being cheeky when told to put it down.

If your DD was upset by being told to stop reading and not to be cheeky then fair enough, hopefully she won't do it again.

ijustwannadance · 09/11/2017 00:11

I would've taken the books away too.

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2017 00:12

And by the way, I've seen many similar threads to this over the years and it's always "Yeah but they were reeeeding God love 'em, so how can I be annoyed?"

Would you feel the same if they were 'reading' the internet on their mobile phone, after being told to switch it off?

DeadDoorpost · 09/11/2017 00:13

My parents did the same thing to me. I'd stay up until 2am at that age if I wasn't careful (mother was a bit neglectful I must admit as she never realised it seemed to care. Dad on the other hand knew I needed my sleep and it would never happen if I read at night) I've also had my parents tell me off when I've been caught (a few years older about 14 or so) but by that point they couldn't hide hem from me as they had nowhere to hide them.
I'd do exactly the same to my kids if I caught them reading.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 09/11/2017 00:14

She was being cheeky, he gave a consequence. He didn’t beat her with the books!

Original poster

tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 00:14

Perhaps I’m more bothered by DH’s response. I do admit I can be a bit soft when it comes to DD. She’s had a lot to cope with & I wonder if I sometimes overcompensate. I hate to hear her upset, although DH reckons it was mainly for show

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2017 00:18

We all hate to hear our kids upset.

But if they're being disobedient and cheeky, they need telling.

Believe me, if it's not nipped in the bud now, her teenage years will be a nightmare you can only imagine.

user1471443504 · 09/11/2017 00:20

She knows how to play you then and you over indulge her so she was upset that her dad actually acted on something.

I don't think his response was bad either. I would be equally frustrated if my husband tried to undermine my perfectly reasonable parenting decision.

You say she has been through a lot and you hate to see her upset. She does and will continue to realise this you know. You aren't doing yourself or her any favours being soft with her.

SecretNutellaFix · 09/11/2017 00:20

I was that child. I had my bedside light removed because I read too long. I then snuck a torch into bed with me. Finally I was only allowed one book in my bedroom at a time and it was removed at lights out. I had to earn the others back by being trustworthy.

He did nothing wrong, and I would be telling your DD that she needed to apologise for being rude.

MsPavlichenko · 09/11/2017 00:32

No reasonable parent/carer/teacher or whatever likes hearing DC upset.

Sometimes it is unavoidable. Not just an issue of stopping reading, your DD needs her sleep too I assume.

I was/am a keen reader. I read with torch under the covers. Not discouraged/encouraged. On the qt. My DD did similar with moby/Kindle. Not openly disobedient and also learning to be responsible for sleep choices. I/She still had to get up the next day, and probably slept sooner the next night.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/11/2017 00:38

I am with your DH on this.

Next time a reminder of this time may be all it takes. She wont learn if she isnt taught and your husband is teaching her.

Topseyt · 09/11/2017 00:44

I don't see the problem. She was reading far too late and being cheeky and he dealt with it.

Back off.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/11/2017 00:45

Taking the book she was (disobediently) reading away, fair enough, I suppose. Taking all the books away was excessive.

Is your H generally reasonable? I'm not a huge fan of the idea that you shouldn't undermine the other parent, especially when it's a matter of a man throwing his weight about and declaring himself Head of The Household - behaviour like that should be thoroughly undermined.

Altwoo · 09/11/2017 00:51

But taking the books away was for her benefit - so that she could sleep better. Surely you can see that’s in her best interests?

Your role has to be about doing the right thing for your daughter, not about avoiding upsetting her - and as adults, you and your husband are best placed to assess this.

Atenco · 09/11/2017 00:53

I would have taken the book away for being cheeky. Reading late into the night though isn't necessarily a bad thing.

llangennith · 09/11/2017 01:19

He didn’t bin the books or burn them did he?
If it was an iPad or similar you’d have agreed.
Stop enabling her!

Redglitter · 09/11/2017 01:22

He was quite right. She was doing something she shouldn't. If he had left the book chances are shed have been reading again before he was downstairs.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 09/11/2017 01:24

I'd say your DD runs rings around you, OP.
If she was being cheeky, then she got what she deserved.

steff13 · 09/11/2017 01:53

What would you have done, OP? If she was already reading when she knew she wasn't supposed to be, it's unlikely that she would have just stopped if she had been told.

Ginkypig · 09/11/2017 01:54

A child needs boundaries, it helps them to learn what is ok or not but it's also to help them feel safe.

They push they find the line obviously there upset there is a line but but next time they know where that line is and knows the worst that will happen is (for example in this circumstance) her books are taken away until the next day. Obviously they then don't like the line but feel safe there is one.

It lets them know there is structure

melj1213 · 09/11/2017 02:02

YABVVVVVU

Your DD was awake past her bedtime, reading. She was told to put her book away and go to sleep and when she was cheeky and refused, her father removed the book. She then started having a tantrum (which is what I would call crying for no good reason other than being told off/receiving a consequence of their action) in order to get a reaction from her mum and get her own way.

The only reasonable person is your DH for wanting your DD to go to sleep at a decent time, giving her an instruction, following through with the consequence when she not only ignored the instruction but was actively rude to him and then ignored both her tantrum and your guilt trip to enforce his consequence.

melj1213 · 09/11/2017 02:11

Taking the book she was (disobediently) reading away, fair enough, I suppose. Taking all the books away was excessive.

TBF the OP says her DD was cheeky to her dad so I could totally see the exchange going something like:

DH: If you don't put your book down and go to sleep, I will take it away
DD: Fine, but I'll just read one of my other books if you take this one
DH: Not if I take all of your books away, now put the book down and go to sleep
DD: No, I need to finish this chapter
DH: Right, I have had enough, you have had enough chances to do as you're told and I did warn you
DD:

In that kind of case, removing all the books is perfectly reasonable and not excessive.

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