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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH was wrong taking DD’s books away?

80 replies

tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 00:05

DD8 was reading very late & DH had gone in to tell her it was way past the time she should be asleep & to put her book down. I wasn’t in her room but apparently she was grinning at him & was a bit cheeky so he took her books out onto the landing & she cried. I said ( out of DD’s earshot) that I didn’t think he needed to take the books away, then he got arsey & said something like “ Go & put them back then” which I didn’t want to do as it would undermine him. I just think he created upset where it wasn’t necessary.

OP posts:
Thesmallthings · 09/11/2017 07:17

So taking her books out mean the dad is throwing his weight around?

Right......

UnicornRainbowColours · 09/11/2017 07:21

She shouldn’t of been reading and was rude and disrespectful, so he took away her books and then you were rude to him and probably made him feel like shit. So you were being unreasonable sorry...

RJnomore1 · 09/11/2017 07:26

I don't know, to me it depends when she got the books back.

I was a pretty well behaved bookish child and my parents used to take my books as punishment. I remember them all being locked in the caravan for weeks. I could see them through the caravan window...

I had an ex who's dad burnt his books when he was a little boy.

I supppse as a result I've never really regarded removing books as a suitable punishment. However I can totally understand taking the book if she was reading late and didn't have the control to stop herself.

I'd never have been able to take all of my kids books though - would have been there all night! 😂

I think what I'm saying is that I can understand reasons why the op might find this uncomfortable if she has had similar experiences. Some parents regard removing access to knowledge as a punishment (mine did. I remember the punishments but none of the transgressions).

SavageCabbage · 09/11/2017 07:26

I once took every book out of my dd’s room as she couldn’t stop reading. In the car when she ate etc.

She didn’t play with her friends after school as she was reading when she came out of her classroom or talking to her family and she wasn’t doing any of the things that she was supposed to be doing. She would walk in the door after school and straight up the stairs.

It was all consuming and if she had been playing on an ipad that much I would have taken that away. Reading is seen as a valuable activity but it’s not if it takes you over.

ButchyRestingFace · 09/11/2017 07:26

Total non event.

Father did nothing wrong. Confused

Sirzy · 09/11/2017 07:29

So she was reading when she shouldn’t be, was cheeky when told to stop so removing the books seems entirely reasonable.

They went on the landing not into the bin or burnt or something just just outside her door.

claraschu · 09/11/2017 07:34

This is a great way to make her a reader for life!

wannabestressfree · 09/11/2017 07:38

@SavageCabbage I was like that Blush

GrumpyOldBag · 09/11/2017 07:39

I hate to hear her upset

How do you keep discipline in your hose then?

Who rules the roost?

May50 · 09/11/2017 07:43

DH was right.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/11/2017 07:45

Op no one likes to see their child upset, but I'm afraid discipline is part of being a parent. She's 8, she's not a little baby 1,2 or 3. She chose to ignore her dads request to put the book down, because it was bed time.
What do you think will happen if she is defiant in school. Do you think the teacher will say 'Oh i can't discepline little Tiger, because her mother doesn't like it.
I'm sorry but sadly. Life ain't like that

Hullygully · 09/11/2017 07:48

What do you think he should have done?

Believeitornot · 09/11/2017 07:50

I was an avid reader as a child as is ds. I love it but boy it annoys me when he won’t stop reading. So sometimes I turn the light off after warning (he doesn’t have torch) and he cries crossly.

Unless you’re about to have a massive drop feed that he actually wrestled the books off of her, I don’t think it’s a big deal really.

NewtsSuitcase · 09/11/2017 07:51

Your DH was completely sensible and appropriate and you're over reacting.

Frazzled2207 · 09/11/2017 08:01

Your dh’s approach was fine. What was the alternative?

MadForlt · 09/11/2017 08:07

I thought this was going to be some punishment for doing something, and I was all primed to say he was unreasonable as reading is good.

But he wasn't depriving her of books. He was ensuring she went to sleep. Which is in her best interests. There was an element of punishment due to her cheek, but that's not the important factor here.

The books are so available to her to read at a sensible time.

To be honest, sounds like good parenting to me.

scaryteacher · 09/11/2017 08:19

Another one here who had her light removed for reading, as I should have bedazzled. Have removed ds's light and book as well. Sleep is important....he can do as he pleases now he's at uni, and take the consequences of being tired....at 8, you make that decision for them.

martellandginger · 09/11/2017 08:19

Did he take her books and burn them or simply take away the objects that were distracting her from going to sleep with a view to returning them the next day?

HashtagTired · 09/11/2017 08:24

I don’t see the problem. He didn’t throw them away and it was late.

Crumbs1 · 09/11/2017 08:28

He reacted very appropriately. Children need boundaries setting and upholding. They also need to be upset sometimes and to learn to deal with their emotions. A childhood of never being upset isn’t good for them.

EmilyChambers79 · 09/11/2017 08:28

I think DH did the right thing. It was a consequence to her behaviour. She hasn't had the books permanently removed, they've not been binned and she can have them back.

OP, what do you feel would have been a better way to deal with her not doing as she was told and being cheeky?

opinionatedfreak · 09/11/2017 08:31

I too had books removed as a kid.

When I found more I had them and the lightbulb from my bedside lamp removed.

If they hadn't removed the books I would have tried to read by streetlight.

Actually, the worst punishment I remember was my Mum totally losing it one night when I wouldn't go to sleep and forcing me to get up and tidy then clean my room while she sat & ordered me around. I kept asking to go to bed and she was insistent that as I hadn't gone to bed when asked I was obviously able to keep doing chores. It went on for what seemed like hours and I remember getting very upset. My Dad eventually came in and allowed me to go to bed.

The night has stayed with me. And I was better at going to bed after that.

Her attitude was "well if you won't sleep you need to do something useful". My brother was a tiny baby at the time so she was probably horribly sleep deprived.

PoppyPopcorn · 09/11/2017 08:43

I do admit I can be a bit soft

You are doing her NO favours by being "a bit soft". She needs to respect you and your DH, and know that she does as she's told. Taking the books away was totally appropriate in this situation.

My 14 year old still remembers being dumped in the bath fully clothed when he was about 6 for refusing to get undressed when he was asked several times and warned what would happen if he didn't... And he cried too.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2017 08:58

YABU OP. I'd've done what you rDH did and I think you owe him an apology, along with a rethink about this being "a bit soft" thing

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/11/2017 09:10

Your DH was completely right and I agree that you need to apologise to him for not supporting him. Your dd is lucky to have one parent who is able and willing to create decent boundaries for her. It will help her feel safe and secure.