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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH was wrong taking DD’s books away?

80 replies

tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 00:05

DD8 was reading very late & DH had gone in to tell her it was way past the time she should be asleep & to put her book down. I wasn’t in her room but apparently she was grinning at him & was a bit cheeky so he took her books out onto the landing & she cried. I said ( out of DD’s earshot) that I didn’t think he needed to take the books away, then he got arsey & said something like “ Go & put them back then” which I didn’t want to do as it would undermine him. I just think he created upset where it wasn’t necessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 09:13

Can’t remember who said it but I wasn’t rude to DH & didn’t make him feel like shit - I just thought at the time that it was a bit harsh to take all her books. Having said that, she can be very dramatic & DH was probably right that the crying was for show. I said to him later that he did have a point but there was no need to have spoken to me the way he did.
I definitely need to be firmer with DD sometimes. I tend to be soft or really losing it, neither of which are particularly effective! Basically, DH’s past behaviour had an impact on me & DD & I am trying to overcompensate now even though things are a hundred times better & DH & I are a team now. He used to “ throw his weight around”, be controlling & have unpredictable rages but all that has gone & it’s like living with a different man. DD is very clever & is I think making the most of me being as I am. She tries to play us off against one another & can be quite manipulative ( DH still can be at times but is working very hard on changing that). She is also very defiant & we can both struggle with that. It’s exhausting!
Anyway, thanks for all the comments 🙂

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 09/11/2017 09:13

OP - how would you have handled this situation?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 09/11/2017 09:18

He removed the books, he didn't channel his inner Danny Devito and shred the book and force her to stare at a tv.
You need to be a strong team, children pick up on parents weaknesses and she knows you crumble quicker.

MiniCooperLover · 09/11/2017 09:21

OP, you’ve said yourself you need to be tougher on your DD. Your DH absolutely did the right thing, you undermined him first by saying you felt he over reacted so telling him off for talking to you rudely is a bit much. But well done for the massive drip feed.

FlowerPot1234 · 09/11/2017 09:21

It seems to be a new language on MN whereas posters who have disobedient children who they pretend are not disobedient and try vainly to excuse their poor behaviour and rudeness describe their behaviour instead as "a bit cheeky". Hmm

Your daughter was disobedient. She was grinning at your DH instead of doing a he said = disrespectful. She was not putting her book down and it was past her bedtime = troublesome and disobedient. When her books were taken away she cried = the kind of upset or tantrum a spoiled child might have who doesn't get what they want.

With all this, your DH resolves the late night reading situation by removing her books. You undermined him to his face (if not your DD's) which strangely you don't describe as "got arsey" yet you describe his retort this way, and now you blame him for the situation? Hmm

I just think he created upset where it wasn’t necessary.
No, your disobedient daughter did that. And you built on it.

bluebells1 · 09/11/2017 09:26

Drip... Drip...Drip Until everyone agrees your DH is a beast. You are being extremely unreasonable.

Ihatemybarnet · 09/11/2017 09:36

You need to get tough with her, now.

And for dh, sounds like he handled it really well, and he got arsey & said something like “ Go & put them back then” I don't blame him responding like either tbh. It must be frustrating for him to constantly be the "bad cop" if you are always so soft with her, or watching you blow up at her.

You say it was out of dds earshot - are you totally, 100%, sure about that Hmm?

By the sounds of what you said, he's working really hard on his behaviour, and dealing with dd in a really calm and consistent manner (following through and actually disciplining his child), and you aren't, you're being too soft, or explosive yourself.

I agree with the others, a manipulative, defiant child who likes playing the parents off against each other = totally nightmarish teenager unless you are both firm with her, and supportive of each other.

And if all dh did was snap "Go & put them back then, honestly, I wouldn't even pick him up on that. You should just acknowledge he was right and apologise for having a go at him, and agree to work together with firmer boundaries.

I did find it helpful when there were situations with the dc where dh and I didn't necessarily agree, we sat down and discussed certain scenarios and agree the consequences, as the same thing tended to crop up, so with both had agreed the same consequence and there was less conflict, either with the dc or between ourselves.

Good luck - no one like their dc upset, but often the kindest thing, in the long term, is to be strict.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 09:51

The drip feed wasn’t intentional - it was just as I thought of stuff. Certainly not trying to portray DH as a beast bluebells1 - if you read everything, I am saying how much he has changed & that it’s my behaviour that needs to change too.

OP posts:
FlowerPot1234 · 09/11/2017 10:27

I think you owe your DH a bit of an apology OP... Smile

LavenderHills · 09/11/2017 10:33

It's fine, OP. My Dad used to confiscate my books all the time; it was the only way to get me to go to sleep!

At the age of 30, I can report no lasting trauma and a very close relationship with The Book Confiscator Grin

ReanimatedSGB · 09/11/2017 12:50

OK, so your previously abusive H has changed. That explains a lot - particularly why you are worried about him imposing what seems like a too-harsh punishment on your DD.

How long since this man had his epiphany and stopped bullying the rest of the household, though? Are you concerned because he seems to be slipping back to his former behaviours? Sometimes abusers can 'change' for a while, but it doesn't last, if their abusive tendencies come from a conviction that they are, in fact, the owner of their female partners and children, and that they must be obeyed without question or punishment will be dosed out...

southeastlondonmum · 09/11/2017 13:55

My DD 7 is an avid reader. We take her books away every night after an agreed time. Sometimes it's me doing it and other times it's my DH. She would read until 2 am and then be a complete grotbags in the morning

Original poster
tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 14:20

ReanimatedSGB we reached our lowest point in January this year when DH was going to leave because he admitted he was the cause of all the problems in the house. He didn’t go in the end ( it would have been temporary anyway) but things have been improving ever since. I think I may well still be “ on the back foot” waiting for his old behaviour to return but honestly, when I compare our relationship now to this time last year, the difference is vast.
We had a chat just now actually & when I said that he can be a bit over the top with consequences sometimes, he agreed. For example, when he’s wound up with DD, he will take her tablet off her for a week even though we’d agreed no more than a couple of days at a time otherwise she forgets what it was taken away for. On reflection, I didn’t think taking her books away was too harsh. We are going to sit down & make a list of possible consequences. I find that I can’t always think straight when I’m cross so it will be good to have ideas in mind. We are both trying very hard to stay as calm as possible but DD would try the patience of a saint some days!

OP posts:
Ttbb · 09/11/2017 14:27

Why is she crying? She's a bit too old to be sulking over sonething like that surely? Is there something else going on?

Original poster
tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 14:32

Tttb, DD is adopted & adopted children can sometimes be less mature in some ways. She is incredibly bright & top of the class at school but emotionally she can behave like a much younger child. We have been down allsorts of routes to see what’s going on & basically she has attachment difficulties & possibly autistic traits although this hasn’t been formally diagnosed.

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 09/11/2017 14:32

I was like this as a kid. All I did was read. They took my books away at night.

So I read my Dad's totally inappropriate books. Still, I learnt a lot.

pearlsandsmiles3 · 09/11/2017 14:40

If he had destroyed her books or given them or thrown them away I could see a problem but he only toook them away. I sympathise with your DD as I was a compulsive reader as a kid (still am) and would read all day if i could. But I really do not see how what he did was terrible. Forgive me, if there is a backstory. I have not RTFT but I did read the whole OP.

pearlsandsmiles3 · 09/11/2017 14:44

Oh, tigercub50 , I am sorry, I just looked at some of the other comments on here and I see there is a backstory. I am sorry now i di not RTFT. I have been through having an abusive DF and even at times when he was being "good" and trying to discilpline us in a healthier way, my being scared of him made me fearful that he would become angry with me and to be honset, by the time I was the same age as your DD, I grew resentful of his attempts t be firm with me in any way.

Can I also just say that even if DD is being difficult or whiny, she never deserved to grow up in a household where she was exposed to any kind of abuse. Naughy kids need discipline not abuse and bullying.

missyB1 · 09/11/2017 14:54

Be careful about painting him as bad cop, my DH has a tendency to do that to me - and yes I get arsey with him about it! Angry

Original poster
tigercub50 · 09/11/2017 14:57

To be honest, I think I buried my head in the sand somewhat. I did consider leaving many times & I do feel very guilty for what DD was exposed to ( although she was in bed when the bigger “ arguments” happened).
As a family we have had a lot of help & support. The school has been great & DD has been having counselling, although in some ways that hasn’t helped & I do wonder if she was a little young for counselling on her own. We are going to stop the sessions but because the counsellor is at school, DD can still go to her if she needs support. She & DH generally have a good relationship although DD is quick to blame him for everything. She & I have had to learn to trust him. It’s getting better all the time. But as I said before, I’m not doing her any favours by overcompensating. She needs firm boundaries & to know that she doesn’t need to be scared.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 09/11/2017 15:02

So you’re mad at your husband for being a good parent ? 🙄

Oddmanout · 09/11/2017 15:07

I do funny how he became abusive when no one agreed with you OP....drip drip. Of course it may all be true, but I think if you were worried he was slipping back into old habits you'd have made that your question, not a side point later.

Oddmanout · 09/11/2017 15:08

I do find it funny*

LemonysSnicket · 09/11/2017 15:10

Take the books away. I used to read them under the covers with a glow in the dark lamp and now I have shit eyesight.
Taking books away from a kid who really enjoys them is a loss of privileges just like taking away tv or treats.

Sunshineface123 · 09/11/2017 15:27

Think the dad was totally in the right, she needs her sleep and at 8 won’t be able to regulate her want to keep reading. I was like this at her age and probably would’ve reacted the same way because I would’ve been tired and unreasonable as 8 year olds who are past their bed time are!