To think DH was wrong taking DD’s books away?

[tigercub50]

DD8 was reading very late & DH had gone in to tell her it was way past the time she should be asleep & to put her book down. I wasn’t in her room but apparently she was grinning at him & was a bit cheeky so he took her books out onto the landing & she cried. I said ( out of DD’s earshot) that I didn’t think he needed to take the books away, then he got arsey & said something like “ Go & put them back then” which I didn’t want to do as it would undermine him. I just think he created upset where it wasn’t necessary.

OK, the father may have been broadly in the right here. BUT this is a man with a history of abusive behaviour. The DD is possibly testing his limits, which is not, actually unreasonable of her. Yes, she needs to accept discipline but the H needs to display plenty of self-control. And if he does start bullying you or DD again, OP, you might need to think seriously about throwing him out - it's not impossible that he is just 'playing nice' at the moment and will go back to his old ways.

DH was going to leave because he admitted he was the cause of all the problems in the house

Sorry, but that's bullshit. No one can ever be the cause of ALL the problems in the house, and it's not fair to say that our let him take that on himself.

You've already said that you're too soft on DD. That's a problem.

You've said DD is manipulative. That's a problem.

He might have been ott. He might have been a pita.

He might even have been abusive.

But he can't have been the only problem in the house, and if you really think that, then you need to do some serious thinking. And possibly some self- examination.

And the incident you described didn't sound the slightest bit ott. And in that situation, it sounds like he was the only one behaving reasonably.

It's funny that in the op, to were annoyed with his handling of the situation. Now suddenly he's an abuser, and you're just waiting for a relapse. And he is trying really hard, (apparently the only one in the house!) But all the blame lies at his feet.

Ok then.

Blimey I kind of wish I hadn’t posted! Possibly this should have gone in relationships or parenting. I most certainly didn’t play the abuser card because nobody agreed with me ( and actually soon after I posted, I realised I was in the wrong). Also, I didn’t say that DH was the cause of all the problems. Those were his words. In the past, an awful lot of what went on WAS down to him but obviously it wasn’t everything. I said in the thread that I need to work on my behaviour too.

Unless he’s harming her then never intervene because she will have heard either you or him disagree. Raise it privately and at another time with him if really necessary.
Creating even a tiny chink in the armour is far far far more harmful for her wellbeing than her losing her books for the night after what she did. Be very careful.

ReanimatedSGB it has been months now. I don’t think he is just playing nice. But I am taking time to break habits too, just as he took time to change his behaviour - it wasn’t overnight. I learnt coping strategies when things were bad & now things are so much better, I am still sometimes falling back into that mindset I guess.
There have been some really harsh posts. Unless you have been in an abusive relationship, you have no idea what it can be like. But to say that DH is the only one trying hard is unfair. I know I didn’t deserve how I was treated, nobody does, but I also know that I need to give DH a break. This is the trouble with forums like this, as you can only get a snapshot of someone’s life ( otherwise you get accused of dripfeeding!) Well pardon me for trying to explain where I was coming from & why I was overreacting