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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a parents & money aibu

79 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 19:22

I know these types of posts never go down well on here but I want to know if Aibu.
DMother helped DSister with money for both her house purchase and her wedding.
I don’t own a house and i’m not married and I asked for the same help/ equivalent amount of money towards a house purchase.
DMother is basically treating me as if I have behaved really badly to ask for help.
I’m really upset about it- surely it’s not unreasonable to ask for the same financial help as my sibling? Am really struggling to raise two kids in expensive rented accommodation. I’ve never ever asked for anything ever but am being made to feel like I have asked for something outrageous when sister has had loads of help.
So Aibu?

OP posts:
nuttyknitter · 07/11/2017 19:26

YANBU! If your DM gave money to your sister she should do the same for you.

GeillisTheWitch · 07/11/2017 19:28

Hmm I'm on the fence a bit. Yes, its unfair to help one child and not another but at the same time you're not entitled to parental handouts and you chose to have two kids.

LushBlitzer · 07/11/2017 19:28

Maybe after helping out your sister she's low on funds and doesn't want to admit it to you?

dreamingofsun · 07/11/2017 19:29

she should be helping with your house purchase the same as your DS. Dont think she should also add the wedding money to it though as you arent getting married. You may do one day then she should have the money to help you.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 07/11/2017 19:30

In the face of it I think YANBU but what was said on both sides?

MinervaSaidThar · 07/11/2017 19:30

That sucks and is very hurtful. You know who to leave her care to when she's elderly.

LushBlitzer · 07/11/2017 19:31

It's unfair based on what you said OP - it basically looks like she's favouring one child over the other. And you have my sympathies if that is the case.

Over the years, have you had any other situations where you felt there was favourism? If not, then perhaps there's something else going on that you don't know about?

BackforGood · 07/11/2017 19:32

Just going on the facts you've given us, YANBU.
Quite often though, there are rather crucial facts not given in the OP.

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 19:35

Honestly, these are the facts and that’s it. I haven’t omitted anything- DM has always had a golden child and it’s clearly not me!

OP posts:
londonlookout · 07/11/2017 19:36

It sounds unreasonable but we don't know the full facts. Are you irresponsible with money? I have a friend who is constantly struggling, can't afford basics for children etc, but then spends money on things that I and probably most of society would deem unnecessary. I used to financially help her out until I realized what she was like. Now I wouldn't give her money at all, but would buy in food for the dc.

londonlookout · 07/11/2017 19:37

Sorry for cross post.

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 19:38

No, I’m not irresponsible with money at all. I work full time to support my kids but pay extortionate rent so find it hard to save anything.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 07/11/2017 19:53

Is it because she’s judgemental if your choices (kids without marriage) ?

Flowers - have you asked her why she’s helped your sister and not you ?

WineAndTiramisu · 07/11/2017 19:55

Sounds pretty unfair to me, have you asked her why?

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 19:55

I never really considered she might disapprove of me not being married. She had an affair, left my Dad & then remarried so she’s hardly in a position to judge tbh!

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 07/11/2017 19:59

no you are not being unreasonable - ask your mother why she thinks it is reasonable to help one child and not the other. and stop giving her any privileges re grandchildren until she ponies up.

preferring or benefiting one child over another for no good reason when they are in similar financial situations is not ok.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 07/11/2017 20:00

Just remind her in her dotage who the golden dc is when she needs assistance.

WonderLime · 07/11/2017 20:07

Did she give you DS money for her house deposit at the same time as helping for the wedding (as part of a wedding gift)?

Maybe she wants to wait until you get married before giving you the same? Perhaps she has an old fashioned view about marriage and gifts.

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 20:07

Part of me thinks she didn’t realise that I knew how much she had helped my sister- am not sure though

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 07/11/2017 20:08

Can she afford to?

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 20:09

But what happens if I never get married? I don’t really want to but I do want a house. It seems even more unreasonable to discriminate over marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 20:10

@damson- I have no idea idea she can afford to or not. But surely if you are going up help one child you should assume that it will upset the other if you can’t do the same?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 07/11/2017 20:11

I seriously couldn't be in the company of someone who treated you both so differently.... does she treat your children kindly generously OP Flowers

WonderLime · 07/11/2017 20:11

It seems even more unreasonable to discriminate over marriage.

It is absolutely unreasonable, but if those are her views then there is little you can do to change them.

You could always have an innocent discussion with your DM over the fact that you have no intention of marrying, but do want to give your DC the best chance in life.

However you can't ask for money again if she has already shot you down once. You'll have to just accept her decision whether it's unreasonable or not.

HighburyHattie · 07/11/2017 20:12

I’m in two minds. She’s treating you unfairly 100% and clearly favouring your sister

However you can’t really force her to do anything she doesn’t want to, you’re not entitled to her money/help (although it would be nice)

What did she actually say when you mean ‘behaving badly’? Are you sure she can afford it?

How did it come about that she helped your sister, did she offer?