It’s a parents & money aibu

[Happyhappyveggie]

I know these types of posts never go down well on here but I want to know if Aibu.
DMother helped DSister with money for both her house purchase and her wedding.
I don’t own a house and i’m not married and I asked for the same help/ equivalent amount of money towards a house purchase.
DMother is basically treating me as if I have behaved really badly to ask for help.
I’m really upset about it- surely it’s not unreasonable to ask for the same financial help as my sibling? Am really struggling to raise two kids in expensive rented accommodation. I’ve never ever asked for anything ever but am being made to feel like I have asked for something outrageous when sister has had loads of help.
So Aibu?

YANBU. MIL favours her youngest DC to the tune of literally gifting said golden child a free property with absolutely nothing going to the other two. She can afford it but obviously doesn't want to so it makes the favouritism really overt! Her other 2 DC have voiced their hurt (to little effect apart from making her angry).

Somehow, we pretend to paper over the cracks and play happy families with simmering underlying resentment which boils over from time to time. Forced family get togethers are literally 2/3 times a year. It's pretty shit....., you have my sympathy. Detach and more distance will definitely help you to cope.

I try not to get involved and grit my teeth. On the other hand, we find it relatively easy to say "No" to any requests/demands that don't suit us so there is an upside. No way are we looking after her in her old age. You reap what you sow!

I don't think many people expect their dp to give them large sums (or any sums) of money. What they do expect is that, in the absence of special circumstances, any money is equally shared between all dc.
If this doesn't happen then of course there are hurt feelings and wedges driven between favoured and unfavoured dc. Really stupid behaviour on the part of the dp.

Why do they expect that ferrier?i don't .I see it as precisely none of my business what my parents do with their money

I understand how it might smart, as on the face of things it seems you are not being treated equally. But I have to agree with firecracker to some extent- some of the attitudes on here towards parents and their money is pretty abhorrent. Parents are not obligated to give their adult children money for things they want but cannot afford. Nor do I think it's right to say "if they don't give me money, I won't be helping them out when they are elderly and frail"- as though not coughing up their hard earned cash on demand/hints negates any of the myriad of other things they have probably done on their child's behalf (assuming no history of abuse or neglect from parents). I love my parents- and not because of their money- so if they need help, I would do so if I could. They don't need to buy my help in the future by giving me money now. I am astounded at the number of people who seem to think that way. It's so ugly, petty and greedy. Clearly, if there is a bigger issue regarding unfair treatment over a long period, or deeper relationship problems, then that's somewhat different.

I also don't think it's right to demand money from your parents and then cut them off or stop access to grandchildren if they don't "pony up' as a previous poster put it/suggested (not saying that is what OP has suggested).

With regards OP's situation- I can see it's unfair to treat you differently to your sister (step-siblings are a bit different- as it's often decided by the parents and not step-parents, especially if children were older/adults when they got together). Perhaps you could explain that you feel hurt that she's helped your sister but isn't willing to do the same. It could be thoughtlessness on her part. Or maybe it is favouritism. Perhaps she is just felt that you were acting as though you had a right to her money and was annoyed? Perhaps she is not in the financial position that you think she is- maybe something has changed that you're not aware of, for instance (and is embarrassed at having to say so)? Or maybe she miscalculated and now can't help you. You won't know until you speak to her- not in terms of another demand for money, but more explaining how you feel.

I think you were wrong to ask for the equivalent of what was contributed to your sister's wedding though- you have chosen not to marry but that doesn't mean you are entitled to the equivalent in cash from your mum.

Maybe 'hope for' rather than expect.

Agree totally with fire cracker 2, its none of my business its their money & I also wonder were this entitlement from parents has come from from some people.
Can't believe some posters are advising distancing yourself from your mother over money & jealousy of what siblings have been given

Hi OP. My sibling has been given significantly more financially than me over the years. It's not bothered me that I've not had the same because I've always had enough to eat,pay bills and save. What's bothered me is that my parents have enabled my sibling's reliance on them, asking and then ignoring my advice.

Best you can do is accept your mum's decision and move on. If she goes on about it you can say I asked, you said No. Let's leave it.

YANBU. If your Mother helped out your sister then she should do the same for you unless you are massively better of than your sister. Which I take it you're not. I don't know what your circumstances are re your single parent status but maybe she disapproves of that.

I agree maybe she has an old fashioned view that you set up home with a husband then have children. And the money towards the house was a wedding present.

Why is your sister the golden child and you’re not OP? It sounds as though this goes back years. Was the relationship strained when you were growing up? Was your sister the straight A student and you weren’t (for example)? On the face of it, YANBU.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to feel that there is unfairness here in that her sister has been gifted money and she hasn't. My parents have two daughters, and if they have given money to one of us - for a house or for any other reason - they have given the same amount to the other daughter.

But, it is the OP's mother's choice to do what she wishes with her money. Doesn't take away from the feelings the OP has about that though.

Why if it is the case does favoritism come into this, post is about parents money & what they chose to do with it & a child asking is she being unreasonable,
1- no one not even op knows her parents true financial status
( my father past recently owned his own business always been well off & never disclosed to anybody that he had gotton into some debt after retiring having never been in debt in all his life was a big shock to us all) time changes things oc I hope to give all my dd's the same in life but I also understand the age diff 9,3 & 3 months is a big timescale of what its
2- you never know what might be going on ( my father bought my sister a new sofa £1500 his reasoning was she cleans his house for him every week had done for a number of years) people shouldn't have to explain to their children what they chose to do with their money
3- its their money!! (After my father had past & we was sorting out will/finances we found out from half sister that he had given her a very large check two/three years before his passing, 7 children altogether & rest of us had no clue about it as it's none of our business only found out then as you have to disclose any gifts given withing the previous few years before passing.
& 4- I wouldnt expect the same from anyone who give a gift, ( father bought all his grandchildren they first pram, bedroom furniture, I had my first dd the year he retired & he did the same for her few years down the line I was having my dd2, he never offered neither did I expect & I also understood he was retired & couldn't afford it didn't need him to explain or put him in such a position he got her a lovely gift though when she was born

In RL, context is all - it’s what that gift of money represents and the gulf of love or rather the lack of it felt by the excluded for no apparent reason. I bet there are more examples in the past which amounts to the same thing which you might have laughed off about or considered too minor to make a fuss about although it bothered/irritated you.

You can’t control the action of others but you can control your own - so, a little more distance helped for my DH & BIL. It’s not in their faces all the time at least. It means that we can still meet at Christmas, Easter & summer and get along amiably enough as long as no-one brings up the inequitable treatment which is effectively the elephant in the room. This works for us (sort of) - it does occasionally break down and they all have an almighty row but that’s RL.

Move on and don’t talk about it would be another coping strategy. Hth.

It’s shitty. You can dress it up with ‘you shouldn’t ask’ but if she helped one, she should help the other.

I had money when I married and DF and DM gave my brother, who will likely never marry, exactly the same.

I am the black sheep. My brother is the golden child.

Those, saying op sounds grabby are missing the point. It isn’t really about the money. It’s about being systematically told you don’t matter. Your feelings don’t count. Your sibling is always good. You are always bad. What they do is amazing. What you do is insignificant. Everything they do is right. Everything you do is wrong.

Using money as a weapon against your children is the ultimate power play because it is so meaningful. Your mother is keeping your sister under her control by giving money to her and rejecting you for not being her favourite child.

Your sister is paying dearly for this money Happy. Never forget this. You are the happy one, as you escaped where she did not. Could you imagine being her? It’s unbearable for me to contemplate being my sibling or my mother. I’d like to have their health and their ability to live a normal, pain free life. But I couldn’t stand being them. I’m much happier being me. They’re full of shit and worms. Ewwwwww.

The help my parents give my sisters isn't any of my business. I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask for help (although maybe a little to try to specify how much help) or for being hurt but your mother also isn't unreasonable for saying no, it is her money.

I sympathise and understand entirely why you're feeling the way you do but I'm not sure there's much to be done about it. I would distance myself - not because of the money but because of what seems like toxic dynamics.

I’m with Geillis on this one.
On the face of it it seems unfair, but don’t feel so entitled to it. It’s not yours.

I understand why you are upset but, for your own sake and your DC, please try not to be bitter

The money for a deposit is unfair but if someone spends money helping out a child for a wedding or other big expense , it doesn't mean you can demand the same amount of money is given to you.

Does she actually have the money you think you should have?

Did you mother give your sister money out of need ie your sister at the time had a greater need than your's?

I treat my children equally, in that they receive help from me when they need it.

OP - have you investigated the housing market and put yourself in a position to look to buy something, so you can say to your parents, I can afford this much on the mortgage a month, I've got this much to put down as a deposit, is there any possibility you might be able to lend me this much to help me put down a larger deposit?

no you are not being unreasonable - ask your mother why she thinks it is reasonable to help one child and not the other. and stop giving her any privileges re grandchildren until she ponies up.

Well you win the award for the most outrageous vile suggestion on this thread!

Grandchildren shouldn't ever be used as pawns to extort money from grandparents, but I can see that some people have no moral compass.

Its up to your mum what she does with her money and I think it's ridiculous this notion that as an adult, you should still expect parents to fund deposits for houses etc.

Regardless of whether or not it's an unreasonable request, you've got your answer, which is that you can't rely on your mum.

Anything you do from now on, keep that in mind, to save yourself going down paths which won't bring you any good results.

It's sad and hurtful for you right now, but ultimately it's useful to know the measure of your mum.

Fluffy I totally agree. I found the pp's remark about withdrawing grandparents' 'privileges' absolutely chilling, and one of the worst things I have read on MN.

In fact I prefer to fund housing or education, not weddings. Weddings are often a waste of money.

I never expected anything from my parents and they always treated us equally including in their wills, not that there was a huge amount from that.

We all have different views. I fundamentlaly disagree with Hill. My children have had the same chances. If one messes things up although they can come home and I will feed them basic food I will not make up financial differences because they made different choices than their siblings and they will all inherit equally even if some will be better off than others.

Did your sister ask our was it offered?