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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s a parents & money aibu

79 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 19:22

I know these types of posts never go down well on here but I want to know if Aibu.
DMother helped DSister with money for both her house purchase and her wedding.
I don’t own a house and i’m not married and I asked for the same help/ equivalent amount of money towards a house purchase.
DMother is basically treating me as if I have behaved really badly to ask for help.
I’m really upset about it- surely it’s not unreasonable to ask for the same financial help as my sibling? Am really struggling to raise two kids in expensive rented accommodation. I’ve never ever asked for anything ever but am being made to feel like I have asked for something outrageous when sister has had loads of help.
So Aibu?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 07/11/2017 20:13

What reason has she offered?

I’d ask her by email for a reason, people weasel out of discussion but when it’s in black and white they can’t wriggle

Do you have the support of your sister over this?

WallisFrizz · 07/11/2017 20:14

Yanbu. It is understandably hurtful but there's nothing you can do. Keep your moral high ground and keep your distance if you really feel she favours your sister over you.

Out of interest: does she provide you with lots of free childcare and what does your sister think of it all?

Swizzlesticks23 · 07/11/2017 20:14

Wait. Your not sure if she can afford to ?

Or have I read that wrong

Has her situation changed since helping your sister.

Allthewaves · 07/11/2017 20:15

How did u ask

AJPTaylor · 07/11/2017 20:16

Yanbu . Baring health needs what is available to one should be available to all. So, for example if our kids asked for help towards a house it would be 7k. Cos i can ringfence that x3. I wouldnt give 1 21k and hope to replace it.

Original poster

Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 20:18

No, her situation hasn’t changed. Her husband also helped his 2 kids with House/ wedding money so I am the only one who hasn’t had help. She doesn’t live in my town so doesn’t help with childcare. She hasn’t really given a reason tbh apart from she didn’t like me asking

OP posts:

Original poster

Happyhappyveggie · 07/11/2017 20:20

And I asked in a polite ‘would it be possible’ way too

OP posts:

LoverOfCake · 07/11/2017 20:22

Did your sister ask for money? Because IMO there is a difference.

Presumably she paid towards the wedding because regardless of people's stance on that kind of thing paying for a wedding of the bride is traditionally done.

Personally I think that asking for money even from a parent is incredibly unreasonable, even if they have the money to give. I absolutely know my parents would help me out with money if the need arose but there is absolutely no way I would ever ask them for money. It's a massive sense of entitlement to ask and assume that your mother will give you a large sum of money

As for the poster who said revoke all grandchildren privileges until she pays up, yeah, that would certainly endear the OP's mother to her wouldn't it - if she started resorting to emotional blackmail.....

BewareOfDragons · 07/11/2017 20:26

If she's in a position to help, I think she's being unfair. But the reality is, there's nothing you can do about it.

I suppose you can basically say you know how she feels about you now and that she has a favourite, and it isn't you. And that it's really poor to treat your children so differently, and she's likely to cause damage to your relationship with your sister. Is that what she wants?

I certainly wouldn't be there down the line if thse needs help. Let her favoured child be there ...

OCSockOrphanage · 07/11/2017 20:28

Being of (most probably) the poster's mother's age, I think the mum is being a bit unreasonable in not helping with house purchase if she has helped one child. However, not unreasonable in not contributing towards wedding, as the poster is not married.

WallisFrizz · 07/11/2017 20:29

Lover of cake... my DM would be upset if I was struggling and didn't ask for help. I would feel the same about my children.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/11/2017 20:29

Was the deposit a wedding gift?

I'm guessing your sister didn't ask for the money. Asking was very presumptuous so it's hardly surprising she said no.

SheepyFun · 07/11/2017 20:34

It's just possible she can't afford to help - I have a colleague with 3 children, one of whom has a much less lucrative career than the others. When he bought a house, his parents helped substantially (having helped the others on a lower scale), but couldn't give all three the same sum at that point. They have altered their will to cover this so all three will get the same amount from them in the end (I know because I witnessed the deed of variation on the will). OP, I'm not saying your mum has done this, just that some parents will help a child out in a way they couldn't do for the others too.

KarmaStar · 07/11/2017 20:36

What an awful situation,as it doesn't just affect you financially but emotionally too and can affect other relationships like with your sister and step families who have received financial help.even your children will pick up the feelings without you saying a word,they are pretty clued up to emotions😊
However,I'd not ,personally,consider stopping them see their grandparents as they would suffer(unless they don't like going).
Is there anyone who could mediate between you?either the three of you sit down and both of you have the chance to say how you feel and clear the air,even if you get no financial gain,you will have got it off your chest and know exactly where you stand and why.sit down beforehand and jot down your most pressing questions.a mediator can make sure you each have the opportunity to speak and keep calm,I know how easy it is not to listen when you want to speak or are upset.it would need to be someone you are both happy with and who is totally impartial.
I can feel how upset you are and really hope you sort this out,if it can't be,how will it affect your long term relationship with your mum and family?so much to consider,I can only hope the posts give you some clarity and strength to cope with all this.good luck

3Boys1mum · 07/11/2017 20:41

You are not unreasonable at all.

This is happening to my mum at the moment, one kid has had a wedding and house deposit. The other 4 have had nothing. And they have all had weddings so it’s not as if the opportunity wasn’t there.

However this was a dad/step mum situation so it’s different but as it’s all his money it’s just as bad in my eyes.

He also favours the grandchildren from the golden child, that’s why I no longer speak to him. Don’t actually think he’s even noticed

LoverOfCake · 07/11/2017 20:44

WallisFrizz but there is a massive diference between asking for parental help for e.g. A few hundred quid because struggling to pay off the credit card or afford the school uniform, and asking for what is likely at the very least a five figure sum in order to help with a house purchase.

It's a massive presumption to even assume that the parent has that kind of money to hand, even if they were previously in a position to help out a sibling. And it's even more presumptuous to ask for that kind of money and to then allow it to affect parental relationships when told no.

Perhaps the OP's mum feels that parental relationships have been affected given the OP has actually asked for and expected that money to be given. People are very quick to jump to the OP's defence and take her side but even if the mother gave the money to the sister as a wedding gift it is different to asking out of the blue for that level of cash, and not on IMO

1Mother20152015 · 07/11/2017 20:49

She might just be traditional and not liking children born out of wedlock without marriage or something like that. It is certainly in England very comkon or was that parents made a settlement on a child or gave it money when it married to help usually with a property. In fact there are special inheritance tax exemptions for it - gifts in contemplation of marriage.

I wqould certainly treat all the children equally but if one did not marry and another did the one that did not marry would not get the money towards a wedding money.

cromwell44 · 07/11/2017 20:50

Has she said she won't help you or is she just making a fuss about it? You don't know that she didn't make your sister work for the help also and do you think it is genuaineky about not being married? Can you push it a bit with her and see how it goes. It's worth it to get out of rented,

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/11/2017 20:51

What does your sister say about this, Happyhappyveggie?

And your step-siblings, do they know that you are the only one that hasn't received help towards a house-purchase?

blanklook · 07/11/2017 21:07

How much has your DM spent on your kids since they were born?

Lordasriel · 07/11/2017 21:30

I wonder if she believes that money is ‘wasted’ on rent, to justify giving your sister money towards a house purchase?

BlackberryandNettle · 07/11/2017 21:46

I sympathise, sounds to me like you are the child most need of financial assistance yet only one not to have received any.

Dh and I had help with wedding from my parents but that is it. Currently expecting third child and they have said they are planning to give around 100k to my db to get him on housing ladder. Nothing for us as we have our own place (never mind massive mortgage, having to house five of us etc, third mat leave to cover etc). No help at all with childcare either. it does feel v disproportionate and unfair.

FireCracker2 · 07/11/2017 21:47

Wow what a lot of spoiled entitled brattish women-child attitudes on this thread
'What's with the 'Its not faiiirrrr' you are not 9! Your parents money is their money to spend or give away as they please.

starzig · 07/11/2017 22:06

I might think in my head its not fair but i would never ask my mother for money.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/11/2017 22:08

Firecracker, I agree. As adults we make choices, to rent to buy, to have children etc yet the amount who think their parents should help fund those choices is astounding.

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