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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to refuse to swap weekends.

90 replies

FeckBuggerAndArse · 06/11/2017 16:48

Brief history:

Ex and I split 5+ years ago. Our children spend alternate weekends with him. On those weekends I either cover short-staffed shifts at work, spend time with friends or catch up with housework/sleep/tv. My very close friend is also a lone parent and after a long stint of her ex being completely absent we now have childfree weekends that coincide and we’ve been able to have a few nice days of lunch, shopping, comic cons or just hanging out having gaming nights at each other’s houses, with neither of us having to be ‘mum’.

Ex has a new job. It involves some weekend work, so he wants to permanently swap our weekends. This means I’ll no longer be able to go to game nights, will have to ask him nicely to swap weekends so I can go to comic cons (about 4 or 5 a year) and essentially have no adult free time with my adult friends.

I’m so fucking pissed off. I can’t really refuse to swap the weekends, as it’s work etc, but holy crap, there goes what little social life I had.

OP posts:
Threenme · 06/11/2017 16:51

You can refuse to swap. He had a commitment to your child he shouldn't have changed to a job that conflicted this. You need a life it's not that you're doing it to be spiteful!

Shoxfordian · 06/11/2017 16:54

If his new job has only some weekend work then can you just swap those weekends?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 06/11/2017 16:57

He's working so can pay child support and has access so you'll still get loads of child free tim. I can't see an issue really. Surely it's better than him having no job? Lots of roles have some elements of weekend work given society wants to shop etc 24-7.

Hanuman · 06/11/2017 16:58

Either don't swap or insist on the comic con and other weekends that you have plans for are agreed up front.

Original poster
FeckBuggerAndArse · 06/11/2017 16:59

Oh, in all fairness he had to change jobs, he was on a long term contract that has now finished, the new job is a drop in income and includes awkward weekends (Sorry, should’ve mentioned that!) but it wasn’t a change that he wanted to make. He doesn’t have to work every weekend, but for the foreseeable future his weekend rota clashes with at least one of his scheduled weekends with the children, but bumping the weekends forwards means he’s free to have them every other weekend.

I feel like I’m being a bitch. Every other weekend may not be much but it’s better than some lone Parents get, and I’m grateful for the free time (even though I often end up working for one day of the weekend) but I’m also Hmm

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2017 17:00

Why can't he swap his work weekends? Has he really got a job where he works every other weekend which just happens to coincide with his access weekend? That sounds unlikely. That sounds more like he's messing with you.

Original poster
FeckBuggerAndArse · 06/11/2017 17:01

Yellow 4 days a month is hardly loads, (especially as I work 1 or 2 of them) his child support payments are going down as his new job pays less, and if I want to spend time with my friends my ‘childfree time’ is no longer childfree as her children will be there. I know it’s a 1st world problem, I really do but ARRGGHHHH!!

OP posts:
Original poster
FeckBuggerAndArse · 06/11/2017 17:03

RunRabbit it’s a rota, if he wants the same weekends off as before he has to take it as leave.

OP posts:
donajimena · 06/11/2017 17:07

People have to work. I'm sorry you don't get to enjoy your 'me' time anymore but its called being a parent. I'm sure your ex would prefer not to be working weekends either.
His work will be contributing to your maintenance presumably? Suck it up and get on with it.

Spannerkeks · 06/11/2017 17:08

That sucks :-(
I'd be tempted to say I can't, ask him to talk to work. Maybe they can swap him into the other rota. I wouldn't trust him to have tried his best to do that yet.

BewareOfDragons · 06/11/2017 17:09

If you often end up working 1 day of your weekends, I would tell him to ask to immediately tell his new employers that he needs to shift his weekends forward 1 weekend because of his child weekends and that you cannot shift because of your own job. You were on an agreed schedule. See what they say.

Spannerkeks · 06/11/2017 17:10

'Suck it up and get on with it'?!

Please be more compassionate. This woman has work, her kids and is alone most nights when they're asleep. Why shouldn't she seek to preserve the limited social life she's built?

Waterfeature · 06/11/2017 17:11

YABU, sorry.

teaandtoast · 06/11/2017 17:11

Just swap on work weekends?

donajimena · 06/11/2017 17:12

Sorry if I sound harsh but its quite close to home for me as I know someone in exactly the same circumstances as you describe who has been forced to work weekends due to the shift pattern. His ex is also bleating about no longer having free weekends when he absolutely hates it too.

donajimena · 06/11/2017 17:13

spanner I'm a lone parent too with no social life. I'll pm you my address and you can come and give me the social life I deserve.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 06/11/2017 17:14

The new contact arrangements he is proposing don't suit you so it's not unreasonable to say no. You work those weekends the children aren't there, to provide for your children just like he does therefore it's not convenient and many future weekends have things booked for them (you mention comic con and nights out with friends and stuff).

He will have to get childcare on the weekends he works just like many other parents do.

donajimena · 06/11/2017 17:15

Missed out 'look after my kids' Grin

Lovemusic33 · 06/11/2017 17:15

I think you need to try and compromise. He needs to work, you need some you time.

I never get a child free night as my dc's can't stay at their dads (he has them for a few hours at the weekend which doesn't give me time to much), if I want to go out for a evening then I would have to find a sitter.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 06/11/2017 17:17

The OP doesn't have to work weekends, she picks up extra shifts if she has childcare.

He has to work them, he can hardly turn around and say he can't as his children's mum wants a social life so can't look after her own children.

There are others ways of having a social life without stopping either parent working.

teaandtoast · 06/11/2017 17:17

What will your work say when you can't go in at the weekend?

GherkinSnatch · 06/11/2017 17:18

What would happen with the kids for the 1/4 to 1/2 of weekend days that you have them when you have to work? Do those days get scheduled to fit around the days when you know you're child-free?

Spannerkeks · 06/11/2017 17:19

That's shit, dona. Really hard for you. It's an all-too-common situation. But do you really wish it on everyone else? Or feel people aren't even allowed to moan when their small amount of relaxation is threatened? 'Bleating' is a mean way to put it.

AnnabellaH · 06/11/2017 17:20

Err no OP. He needs to change them not you. Cant he have them on his weekdays off that week?

NewPapaGuinea · 06/11/2017 17:20

Can he not ask to swap his rota with someone else so it does fall on suitable weekends?