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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to refuse to swap weekends.

90 replies

FeckBuggerAndArse · 06/11/2017 16:48

Brief history:

Ex and I split 5+ years ago. Our children spend alternate weekends with him. On those weekends I either cover short-staffed shifts at work, spend time with friends or catch up with housework/sleep/tv. My very close friend is also a lone parent and after a long stint of her ex being completely absent we now have childfree weekends that coincide and we’ve been able to have a few nice days of lunch, shopping, comic cons or just hanging out having gaming nights at each other’s houses, with neither of us having to be ‘mum’.

Ex has a new job. It involves some weekend work, so he wants to permanently swap our weekends. This means I’ll no longer be able to go to game nights, will have to ask him nicely to swap weekends so I can go to comic cons (about 4 or 5 a year) and essentially have no adult free time with my adult friends.

I’m so fucking pissed off. I can’t really refuse to swap the weekends, as it’s work etc, but holy crap, there goes what little social life I had.

OP posts:

Jasminedes · 08/11/2017 07:56

I would refuse, you have a system that is working for you (those people you regularly swap with will be affected too).

Inertia · 08/11/2017 09:54

It seems to me that if you need to organise childcare which doesn't include him during your time with the children, it's his responsibility to organise childcare if he has to work during his own time with the children. Of course, in real life both parents should put the children first and find a compromise which works for the children , especially when they have additional needs. That doesn't mean that the default position should be that NRP gives the orders according to what suits him and his work, and RP has to juggle her own work and life to accommodate the NRP.

Justoneme · 08/11/2017 10:21

Jezz ... I would be straight to court if I was the ex what a selfish opinion. The poor bloke had to change jobs; having a pay cut too. It sounds like punishment you are suggesting. Life is hard enough as it is without saying oh it's your weekend to have the kids but your working so you will have to get child care ... the children are missing out and it's about the children having fair access to both. Just because the children lives with the OP more doesn't necessarily imply she has more power than the father ... I find it interesting that exW believe that is the case; it isn't!

CheshireChat · 08/11/2017 11:44

I kinda doubt the father would go 'straight to court' considering he doesn't sound amazingly fussed how much he sees them.

He should've asked before accepting the job, not putting the OP on the spot.

Dozer · 08/11/2017 16:06

Should he go to court he may lose anyway. It’s unclear whether he has even asked his new employer to work other weekends.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/11/2017 16:15

Hi OP,

Genuine question as I'm confused. You're still getting EOW child-free right? Is it just that this one friend will still have her kids that weekend. Could she ask her ex to swap as well?

Also will have to ask him nicely to swap weekends so I can go to comic cons (about 4 or 5 a year) - does every single one of these coincide with the dates you now can't do find that a little strange.

Kaykee · 08/11/2017 16:24

Least you’ll get child free weekends - I get none or one every 6 months so it’s not totally horrendous.

But I totally get that you need some time to yourself when youe friends are free otherwise it is a lonely weekend. Sure you could negotiate ask if work will give him some leeway or someone else will swap weekends so you can keep things the same. But least he’s got a job and sees the kids just hard to juggle kids and work etc. The 2 weekends my ex gets off I work so I have 3 with the boys and 2 at work except when I’m on annual leave.

Hope you find a workable solution for both of you. Your life is important. I sometimes feel my life/job isn’t as important because I work part time due to shifts he works I can’t work more therefore I’m inferior.
Good luck

Original poster

FeckBuggerAndArse · 08/11/2017 18:10

Yes GreenFingers, my friend has her childfree weekends sorted so that we are both free to go to particular events/comic cons, asking her to swap weekends around with her ex would be counterproductive on many levels! Aside from these few events it’s also frustrating for one of us to always have to be juggling children. When you only get 2 childfree days a fortnight, you don’t really want to spend your rare childfree time with someone else’s children no matter how much you care for those children. Don’t get me wrong, we do g spend d Rey weekend together but it was nice to have the option to go to the cinema or shopping or lunch every now and then. This will be really difficult now. It’s a first world problem, I know, but it’s still frustrating.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeckBuggerAndArse · 08/11/2017 18:14

Kaykee I do appreciate the childfree time I get, I had none for a long time, so it’s still very precious to me. I do agree with you that it feels as if my life/job isn’t important, as a lone parent it seems I’m expected to be happy to live my whole life based on my duties, whilst the non-resident parent seems to be able to do as they please and I have to fall in around it. (I’m talking in general terms, not just about my situation, this seems to happen to a lot of single mums)

OP posts:

Justoneme · 08/11/2017 18:59

Ha ha should of asked the EW if he could take the job .... the bloke didn't have a choice.

CheshireChat · 08/11/2017 21:39

But if the RP wants a new job with longer hours would you actually expect their dad to pull their weight? Say have them 3-4 days/ week?

Or does that only apply to RP.

NapQueen · 08/11/2017 21:41

Presumably you sort childcare if you work on the days you have the kids.

So he will have to too.

kootoo123 · 08/11/2017 22:22

YANBU!!! He is not taking his very part time dad role seriously. Would you take a job that has hours 3.30pm+ NO as they clash with parental responsibilities. This is his peoblem not yours. He needs to speak to his work. He said he did but you could be fobbed off as he knows you r good nature and doesn't want to ask and look bad to bosses. Be firm you dont need to justify wh you wont change this is his problem to fix. He needs to learn the importance of routine with an autistic daughter.

Dozer · 09/11/2017 12:58

He may expect that, but you don’t have to comply.

Dutch1e · 09/11/2017 17:55

If you're still reading this OP, don't swap. Where I live the default post-split arrangement is 50/50 and each parent just sorts their work and social life around it. For him to be crowding in to your 4 days a month is appalling.

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