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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to refuse to swap weekends.

90 replies

FeckBuggerAndArse · 06/11/2017 16:48

Brief history:

Ex and I split 5+ years ago. Our children spend alternate weekends with him. On those weekends I either cover short-staffed shifts at work, spend time with friends or catch up with housework/sleep/tv. My very close friend is also a lone parent and after a long stint of her ex being completely absent we now have childfree weekends that coincide and we’ve been able to have a few nice days of lunch, shopping, comic cons or just hanging out having gaming nights at each other’s houses, with neither of us having to be ‘mum’.

Ex has a new job. It involves some weekend work, so he wants to permanently swap our weekends. This means I’ll no longer be able to go to game nights, will have to ask him nicely to swap weekends so I can go to comic cons (about 4 or 5 a year) and essentially have no adult free time with my adult friends.

I’m so fucking pissed off. I can’t really refuse to swap the weekends, as it’s work etc, but holy crap, there goes what little social life I had.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 06/11/2017 18:23

Yes so out of 28 days he has 4 days.

but you wanting a social life means you are been unreasonable .

Would he consider an extra evening with DC ?

my DC doesn't see his dad so I rarely get to go out but that doesn't mean I think all LP's shouldn't go out.

Damia · 06/11/2017 18:33

Don't know what kind of games ur into but u could settle the kids and go online with ur friend and co play and chat online together. Something like discord if u know a server or just chat on phones

Original poster
FeckBuggerAndArse · 06/11/2017 18:37

Damia our game nights are old school table top games, D&D, that kind of thing. We do chat on the phone/online in the evenings, but our game nights are a gang of us, and we do need to all be in the same room!

OP posts:
HouseworkIsAPain · 06/11/2017 18:39

OP I get it. It can be lonely enough being a single parent, let alone a single parent that has no social life. And to have it taken away from you without you having a day is tough.

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/11/2017 19:05

Do you socialise in the evenings on those weekends? Could he "babysit" for you after work?

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/11/2017 19:06

Could you hold games night round yours after the kids are in bed?

Original poster
FeckBuggerAndArse · 06/11/2017 20:07

AllBestNames my eldest is 13, so doesn’t go to bed early (but is too young to be left for the evening with my autistic 10yr old) so we don’t get nice 7pm bedtimes now! Geography is an issue too, we all live in a large area, and I’m one of the few drivers. It’s difficult.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 06/11/2017 20:09

Don’t swap. Just work each month out as you go.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/11/2017 20:10

No no no. It's his responsibility to sort out, not yours.

Justoneme · 06/11/2017 20:13

I understand you are venting... yes I would too... but sadly it is what it is ... there's no point thinking ex can do anything about it; as the way you have described it he isn't a winner in it either .... fingers crossed a loop hole will come up.

Moreisnnogedag · 06/11/2017 20:15

I wouldn't swap tbh. How often is the clash? If not every month, then I'd come to an arrangement that he would have two weekends in a row with perhaps a mid-week dinner/overnight with the dc so that its not's three weeks before he sees them next.

Out of interest, why isn't he seeing them more?

LetsSplashMummy · 06/11/2017 20:21

On the weekends he works, could you swap them for say Sunday of your previous week and Saturday of the following, so:

Your weekend: he has them Sunday
His weekend: he's working, you have them
Your weekend: he has Saturday
His weekend: he has them

Then you aren't fixed into a bad pattern and you are being the reasonable one with a bit of control (not having to ask him nicely). Still some down time. Even when you have the kids, your friend can come to yours (she's childfree) and play games after they are in bed.

HouseworkIsAPain · 06/11/2017 22:44

Does he only see them two weekends a month? That seems a while to go between seeing DC. Would this pattern work?

Week 1 - he has them from Friday night, from when school/after school care ends. You collect them on sat morning before he leaves for work, assuming work starts at a reasonable time.

Week 2 - he has them Saturday and Sunday

Week 3 - as week 1

Week 4 a as week 2

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/11/2017 22:45

EOW is a pretty standard arrangement.

Butterymuffin · 06/11/2017 22:50

Don't swap. He has assumed you and his kids will fit around his job. Everyone else has to make the sacrifices. Shouldn't be the case. There are some interesting ideas just above my post though that might be worth looking at.

doodle01 · 06/11/2017 22:53

Mutual cooperation to ensure kids are cared for and have time with both parents
Work second
Social life last - sorry
Surely there is mutual benefit in give and take and both your positions may change in future so be careful not to insist on rigid rotas or it will backfire.

Maelstrop · 06/11/2017 23:08

Can you give him a mid-week overnight?

Inertia · 06/11/2017 23:23

Could you say that you need to stick to the pattern you're on now because of your own work arrangements (given that you work on your child-free weekends), and xxxx dates are already accounted for, but you'll look at doing swaps on a month by month basis to accommodate his work.

Will the shifts be for the whole weekend, or e.g. he'd work on Saturday until 4pm and then be off for the rest of the weekend? If that's the case, he could pick the children up after work.

When you're a parent you do have to put your children first, including ahead of your social life, but it isn't reasonable for the resident parent to have to do all the rearranging and picking up the pieces- childcare is equally the father's responsibility. I wonder whether he runs around doing childcare/ school pickups while OP is working during the week?

Original poster
FeckBuggerAndArse · 07/11/2017 20:47

LetsSplash, Housework & Inertia chopping and changing weekends upsets my autistic youngest, we need to keep them on a regular EOW schedule or she will get stressed and not want to leave me at all. And no Inertia he does no childcare or school runs/pickups in the week, and never has done.

Maelstrop midweek overnight isn’t an option, he starts work pretty early so can’t do the morning school run.

SheRaa yes, EOW is pretty standard, and more than some dads do, and JustOne it absolutely is just that, what it is, and I was mostly just venting, but it’s helped enormously to see that I’m within my reasonableness to be Hmm about it. Bolstered by the reassurance from here that I’m not BU to be pissed off at this, I’ve asked him to have them the odd Saturday or Sunday when my friend is also childfree, even if it’s only every couple of months it’s better than nothing. He says that should be ok, so hopefully it’s not all doom and gloom.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeckBuggerAndArse · 07/11/2017 20:51

Moreis every other weekend is still more than many separated dads do, and ironically more time than he used to spend with them when he lived with us. His lack of engagement with our (planned, by him, not just accidentally conceived) children is one of the reasons he’s my ex. So 4 days a month is much, but it’s better than nothing!

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 07/11/2017 21:02

Right so he can live whatever life he chooses and you have to be grateful for the scraps he offers? Why do men not think they should have to change their lives and plans to fit around their kids but think women should? I hate this attitude.

My son's dad has him eow because my job has always required I work them and no childcare is available at weekends where I live. I doubt he would have him at all if I wasn't at work, he doesn't ever agree to have him so I can have a break. When people ask me who has my son whilst I'm working my weekends and I reply his dad I get "oh isn't that good of him" like he's fucking Jesus or something. Yes it's simply amazing he has his own kid 4 days out of 28. Funnily enough no one has ever said it's good of me to care for him 24 days out of 28 Hmm

HouseworkIsAPain · 07/11/2017 22:46

Ah, Feck I don’t know routine would have to be absolutely consistent to help your DC.

Unfortunately it is what it is then - you are not unreasonable to be miffed though.

Is there any chance he could ask to switch to the other weekends when he’s settled in the job? Or at the very least ask for it if anyone else leaves their job who is on opposite weekend shifts to him? Maybe ask him if he will consider that.

HouseworkIsAPain · 07/11/2017 22:47

I didn’t know. And lots of other typos!

Original poster
FeckBuggerAndArse · 08/11/2017 06:54

RedForFilth yes, the assumption that we mothers will automatically reorganise our lives around children/childcare needs but that fathers don’t have to and are ‘good’ if they do the bare minimum grates on me constantly. Over the 7 week summer holiday he had them for 5 days, aside from his scheduled EOW, and this half term he didn’t see them at all. And no one blinks. It’s apparently ok. Hmm

Yes Housework, it’s an added complication, but such is life.

Thanks all, this has been incredibly helpful, I’m going to name change back and move on now.

OP posts:
Dozer · 08/11/2017 07:19

You have choices here, and do not have to comply with his request.