WIBU to refuse to swap weekends.

[FeckBuggerAndArse]

Brief history:

Ex and I split 5+ years ago. Our children spend alternate weekends with him. On those weekends I either cover short-staffed shifts at work, spend time with friends or catch up with housework/sleep/tv. My very close friend is also a lone parent and after a long stint of her ex being completely absent we now have childfree weekends that coincide and we’ve been able to have a few nice days of lunch, shopping, comic cons or just hanging out having gaming nights at each other’s houses, with neither of us having to be ‘mum’.

Ex has a new job. It involves some weekend work, so he wants to permanently swap our weekends. This means I’ll no longer be able to go to game nights, will have to ask him nicely to swap weekends so I can go to comic cons (about 4 or 5 a year) and essentially have no adult free time with my adult friends.

I’m so fucking pissed off. I can’t really refuse to swap the weekends, as it’s work etc, but holy crap, there goes what little social life I had.

(I hope you do get some babysitting help, btw. Even if I'm not up for doing it!)

So he only parents his children 4 days a month but it’s your job to pick up all the slack again?

All the ‘but he has to work’ comments and fibre the fact the op has to work and navigate child charge for the other 24-27 days a month. Unless he’s offering to cover that work, it’s not fair that the op has to change her plans for him. Especially as he has 24-27 other days a month to relax and hangout with his friends.

spanner I think I am a bit prickly because of the posts saying I'll bet he hasn't even tried to swap or he HAS to move them. Its not that easy.
To answer your question no I don't think everyone should be confined to the house just because I am, I'm actually used to it but I have seen it from both sides and I do stand by the statement that most people wouldnt work weekends unless they had to.

Is your friend and her ex tied to the same pattern or could they also swap their weekends?

If he needs this favour why not suggest he funds a set number of hours of babysitting to allow you some evenings with your friend?

And get the weekends you want free agreed in writing from the start. If he needs to take leave or ask other family to help then he needs to be prepared to do so.

Other than that I think you should agree as it’s actually a joy when you see separated parents being cooperative.

I would refuse to swop. His work commitments need to fit around his parenting commitments, or he needs childcare.

He needs to tell his work that the weekends he has his kids are fixed.

If he's now working weekends, presumably that means there are days in the week that is not working- can he have the DC some midweek days instead?

YellowMakesMeSmile Mon 06-Nov-17 17:17:10
"The OP doesn't have to work weekends,"

Well on the Universal Credit thread you are saying the opposite and that single parents should.

So which is it?

Helena, there's no mention that the OP only works part time and given she says her only free time is at the weekends it's fair enough to presume she works full time already. The UC thread was about people doing little or nothing, not full time workers

She can still pick up the overtime on the other two weekends, he's just swapping not cancelling days.

UC affects full time workers on low wages Dont be disingenuous because youve been goalpost moving.

yellow I am rota’d to work weekend shifts, they are part of my job, I don’t get paid extra for doing them, I simply swap them for weekends when I am childfree. Sorry if I worded it badly, it’s a contractual curve-ball, but we can swap shifts and so on, I end up working 1-2 weekend shifts a month.

Helana, you have a very obvious hatred of UC and a belief that benefits should pay for everything however the thread has nothing to do with either.

The OP was cross about losing "me time", it's not affecting her work but the social life. If she needed to work extra then she would be as she has the chance as the ex has the chidren.

But don't let the facts get in the way of a highkack so you can rant some more about UC.

donajimena I’d gladly come and help you out. I know what it’s like to get no respite, my ex effectively disappeared from our lives when we first split, barely spending an hour here and there with the children, so I was 24/7 for many, many months without a break.

Regarding babysitters, there are none, my youngest is Autistic and very difficult to settle with new people, so I only get to do social stuff when they are at their dads, leaving them with a babysitter would cause significant stress and simply isn’t worth it.

For the record I work 4 days a week, I spend my ‘day off in the week’ doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, tidying and other domestic admin that is often shared by co-parebts, but obviously I have to fit in between 9am and 3pm whilst my children are at school. It’s not a day I spend soaking in the bath, watching daytime tv and hanging out with my friends

I know childfree time is better than none, I’m well aware of that, believe me. Ultimately I’m not going to refuse to swap, because I’d rather the children spent two regular weekends a month with him, than mess them about with odd days here and there, but it’s really nice to see that the way I about it and the disruption to my very small social life isn’t unreasonable. At least, according to most of you.

NewPapa apparently no, he can’t ask to swap onto a different shift pattern. I did ask him.

No i dont have that belief Yellow I just dont like hypocrisy.

You could refuse and see what he then does: he may well sort things out with work. Might not come to it that he offers only ad hoc midweek days.

It is what it is really ... nothing you can do about it...

HelenaDove I don’t get UC, so I don’t see why you’re talking about it?

What happens if your job changed and you had to change things?

Not sure why your needs trump his.

Can you swap temporarily and then change back in a month?

Justoneme, yes. Basically it is. I’m just whinging really. I wanted to know if the way I felt about it was unreasonable or if I was being over-sensitive. The majority are reassuring me that my being peeved is not unreasonable.

Believe because my ‘needs’ are barely met as it is? He has 12 days out of 14 to have chilled evenings and see his friends etc. I get 48 hours.

But that’s the deal as a parent... he can’t change his position and that’s it. What would happen if he didn’t take the children at all?

I’m not suggesting you should be grateful for what he does, it’s just that maybe you could look to find other ways to get a break instead of relying on him.

Believe, last I checked parenting was a 50:50 job, or at least it’s meant to be. Unless you’re a lone parent in which case you are 90:10 apparently. (I’ve mentioned up thread that my youngest is autistic, it’s increfibly hard to find people she’ll spend time with to give me a break)