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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm thinking you should just come home..

99 replies

NCNovember · 03/11/2017 14:11

LO is 6 weeks old. OH didn’t see her at all yesterday as he had a work event in the evening and she was asleep when he got in at 10.30pm. Only sees her for about 2 hours every evening as he works until 8pm and she goes to sleep at 10. He always finishes early on a Friday at 3 and has text me to tell me he is going to the pub with a few of his work friends and will be home about 6. We are out all day tomorrow at a family members celebrations so our LO is being looked after by DM from 2 - 10 so he will only see her for a short time in the morning also. AIBU in thinking his priorities are completely not right and he should feel like he wants to rush home from an early finish at work to see his LO? WWYD in my situation? Am I being over sensitive? I haven’t replied yet but I honestly just feel like tearing him a new one.

OP posts:

MayCatt · 03/11/2017 14:15

YADNBU. for you OP. I'd also sent him a msg telling him to have a word a with himself and get back home.

user1471459936 · 03/11/2017 14:17

It's a bit crap but I know that my husband found the newborn days very boring.

RavingRoo · 03/11/2017 14:17

If he works until 8 just adjust her bed times so he sees more of her in the evening.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 03/11/2017 14:20

The child isnt going to notice or care whether he's there or not, you are the primary care giver and her needs are being met.

I'm afraid work trumps home, work puts a roof over your head and food in your belly. Would you prefer it if he were unemployed?

Withou knowing what he does or what his work related stresses are, how do you expect us to judge whether wanting a swift pint is unreasonable or not. If thats his normal pattern on a Friday and not something that has just started up since the the baby arrived, did you have a problem with it before hand? Are you able to do what ever you used to do on a Friday night?

Incidentally - 6wo and family event with no baby invited? I wouldnt be going.

Original poster

NCNovember · 03/11/2017 14:20

@RavingRoo I can’t adjust her bedtimes, she self settles herself asleep at 10pm every night without fail. I’m not going to keep her awake just so she can see him when she wants to sleep I think that’s a bit unfair on her. I just think he should take advantage of the hours he gets away from work where she will be awake to spend time with her.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 03/11/2017 14:21

Your 6wo won’t notice if he’s there or not but he could be at home supporting you with his newborn.

Original poster

NCNovember · 03/11/2017 14:24

@DunkMeInTomatoSoup I do see where you are coming from and I have never mentioned his working hours to him as he is keeping a roof over our heads so I have no complaints there. I guess I would just expect extra time you have in a day to be put towards seeing your child. Yes, he often goes to the pub on a Friday from work and I have no problem with it as he would often see her all day Saturday and Sunday. My complaint is that we are out all day tomorrow so I would have thought he would want to come and spend time with her. The family event is a joint brunch for my SIL and her husband to be, unlimited prosecco in the city. We arranged this over a year ago before LO came into our lives and we can’t miss it. Also not something we can take a baby to.

OP posts:

2014newme · 03/11/2017 14:25

He should not go to pub he should come home and give you a break and take over with baby. You may need to tell him this. It's true that babies are boring and hard work at this age

Nikephorus · 03/11/2017 14:26

Being home to support you is one thing but how much can he realistically do to interact meaningfully with newborn? Feed her (possibly but only if bottle-fed), change a nappy... There's a limit to how much gazing at her adoringly he can do (and he can do that when she's asleep). He has all day Sunday & a good chunk of tomorrow to bond. As a one-off I don't see the problem.

toomuchtooold · 03/11/2017 14:26

When my kids were 6 weeks I'd have been rushing in the opposite direction if I had any choice, but I didn't, because I was the one on mat leave. DH similarly dreaded walking in the door and being handed a crying baby but fair play to him, he'd work through his lunchtimes to get back as soon as he could - not for the kids, but for me, because I would be climbing the walls.

I think whether you're being unreasonable depends on what you actually want. If you want your DH to love being with your DC, you're BU - you can't fake a feeling and he might just not be that into it just now. Trying to force him to love it will be counterproductive.

If you want him to do his fair share of childcare so that you can get some time off, that's absolutely reasonable. But you can't make him like it!

Nikephorus · 03/11/2017 14:26

He'll have 4 hours when he's home...

RavingRoo · 03/11/2017 14:28

Ok OP. But personally I think him not seeing the baby because of working full time and you both leaving a 6 wo baby with your mum all day for a piss up, is effectively the same thing. Not saying it’s right or wrong. But you really need to stop with the blame.

2014newme · 03/11/2017 14:30

In any relationship thinking stuff doesn't get you anywhere, communicating stuff does. Yes I would not leave a six week old fir an 8 hour party either.

user1471459936 · 03/11/2017 14:34

An 8 hour unlimited prosecco

LostMyMojoSomewhere · 03/11/2017 14:34

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Lovelylovelyladies · 03/11/2017 14:36

If you really cared that much about how much time you spend together as a family you shouldn't be 'off to the city' for 'unlimited prosecco'. Of course you don't HAVE to go. You WANT to go.

If you honestly cared that much you would sack of the 'Big city piss up' and spend the day in bed cuddling!

Original poster

NCNovember · 03/11/2017 14:37

FYI I do not want to leave her but we have spent a lot of money and time on tomorrow, arranging for OHs family all over the country to attend. The brunch is for 2 hours and then there is an area in a restuarant that family are attending to celebrate. It’s for OHs sister and he is very keen for us to attend as we have arranged it for well over a year. Apart from tomorrow I have not left my daughters side. She is FF and will be more than happy with my DM tomorrow. Please let’s refrain from focusing on the fact I am leaving my daughter for some time tomorrow. I’m not particularly keen to attend because I don’t want to leave her but I also don’t want to upset my SIL in the run up to her wedding day. LO will be fine with my DM I have no concerns about this. My OP is about this evening, not tomorrow.

OP posts:

Tinty · 03/11/2017 14:37

RavingRoo the OP arranged to meet SIL tomorrow, over a year ago, before the baby was even conceived, one day off after 6 weeks of looking after a baby is hardly the end of the world.

OP I think you are not being unreasonable, but it sounds like your DP works hard for his family. Maybe tomorrow morning he can spend plenty of time with the baby whilst you have a bit of a break, nice long bath etc, before you go for your day out together, and remember to try and have a nice time and some fun together tomorrow. It may be a while before you get any time together without the baby.

user1493413286 · 03/11/2017 14:38

I would be disappointed too and also a bit upset that he wasn’t coming home earlier to support me but sometimes you’ve got to choose your battles or at least choose when you discuss stuff. I’d wait until Sunday and have a calm discussion about it rather than risk a snappy argument and it spoiling your day tomorrow.

Lovelylovelyladies · 03/11/2017 14:38

Also one day she will go to bed at 7 and he will never see her. You need to discuss things. Communication is key.

RunningOutOfCharge · 03/11/2017 14:39

He’s a whole lifetime with his child ahead of him

One day will make no difference whatsoever

Pick your battles, this isn’t one I’d choose tbh

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 03/11/2017 14:40

Enjoy tomorrow - TBH ask you mum if she can extend the baby sitting for another day because after 8 hours of bubbly stuff you're not going to be in any fit state

StealthNinjaMum · 03/11/2017 14:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm guessing that you're at home all day coping with a massive life change and it's the fact that he doesn't want to be home with you and the baby that upsets you. He shouldn't need to be told.

Halfdrankbrew · 03/11/2017 14:43

I get similarly annoyed, my husband does long hours too, Friday he finishes 2 hours or so earlier. Instead of coming home to help me, he buggers off playing football with the work team and ends up getting in at the usual time if not later. He doesn't see it as a problem, I do! I wouldn't say you were overreacting.

PotteringAlong · 03/11/2017 14:43

Please let’s refrain from focusing on the fact I am leaving my daughter for some time tomorrow.

Why? Because it doesn't fit your argument that your DH shouldn't leave her? You can't have it both ways!

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