I'm thinking you should just come home..

[NCNovember]

LO is 6 weeks old. OH didn’t see her at all yesterday as he had a work event in the evening and she was asleep when he got in at 10.30pm. Only sees her for about 2 hours every evening as he works until 8pm and she goes to sleep at 10. He always finishes early on a Friday at 3 and has text me to tell me he is going to the pub with a few of his work friends and will be home about 6. We are out all day tomorrow at a family members celebrations so our LO is being looked after by DM from 2 - 10 so he will only see her for a short time in the morning also. AIBU in thinking his priorities are completely not right and he should feel like he wants to rush home from an early finish at work to see his LO? WWYD in my situation? Am I being over sensitive? I haven’t replied yet but I honestly just feel like tearing him a new one.

Mothers of newborns shouldn't have to beg for the fathers of the newborns to come and spend time at home, whatever the reason

Huh? I meant at thr beginning of the thread. And who said she should beg?

One wonders what would happen if a mother ever found her baby less than totally and preciously enthralling. Baby would have to raise itself, I suppose, until it got old enough to be interesting to someone.

As for the "gazing adorably" bit- the men in my family manage to do useful work when they have small babies. Nappy changing, laundry, cooking for the mother, house-cleaning, burping the baby- and in this particular family, you can add bottle-feeding (with accompanying sterilising) to the job list.

But I suppose if a man falls into the "so precious he mustn't do anything boring" category, that must cut down quite seriously on the number of jobs he can do.

Wow some insane responses here.

How sad that women think men are allowed to find their newborn baby boring and instead if rushing home to support their partner at a special time it's totally natural they should prefer to be in the pub?

Truly nothing like the men I know. My husband would have been very keen to get home at six weeks in because it was an enormously special and amazing time for him - and he wanted to help me !

Jesus wept there are some women out there with sad expectations from men.

Totally agree waterrat

Some of you must have had really easy babies if all you did from 6pm-10pm was gaze at them adoringly! At that age, I spent most of the time with my excruciatingly sore nipple in the baby’s mouth or pacing around the house while the baby screamed.
Having someone else there to cook my dinner, hold the baby for a while while it screamed and provide me with moral support was a lifesaver.

Exactly Ecureuil my DH finished work early today we also have a newborn and I would not have been happy with a text telling me he was in the pub even though he was in with me yesterday evening and every other evening this week. He knows I've been at home with the baby all day and up half the night. He knows I rely on his support and his company in the evenings and he warns me in advance if he is going out and checks if I am ok on my own that evening. (I am not suggesting he asks for permission just confirms that I am ok with the arrangement as the care of our children is a joint responsibility)

What annoys me as well is that some people on this thread, many of whom i assume are women who have been through the newborn stage, have the cheek to criticise OP for having 8 hours away from her LO tomorrow. This father had all day yesterday and today and 8 hrs tomorrow away from LO. Surely she deserves a short break.

The op has all bloody day long and most of the night to spend precious mummy time with her baby. What she wants is her husband to appear as well and support her because it's his baby too and the newborn days are hard

Exactly this. Where are we, Stepford?

OP, as baby is ff, does your OH ever have your DD for a few hours on his own so you can have a break? Newborns can be as boring for mum as well as dad. Maybe could alternate Friday afternoons in the pub. He goes out one week after work, you go the next with your mates.

Well, of course newborns are boring, but it's not like they are only boring to the man of the house. What if OP finds it boring and wants a break?

It's not just her baby, FFS.

He'll have the rest of his life to go to the pub.

It's a bit crap but I know that my husband found the newborn days very boring.

Oh ok, so finding the newborn days boring means he can just go out without any kind of discussion in advance. Can't believe I just read that.

You DH is entitled to time out but did he ask if you were coping and if it was ok? Doesn't sound like it. When do you get to take the evening off?

YANBU to want him to come straight home to you both, but if you've never had a conversation about it before then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time.

My DH was similar in the newborn days and it really annoyed me until I blew. Once I calmed down and we spoke about it I realised he genuinely had no idea I was upset by him making so many plans after work rather than wanting to spend time with us, or how little his life had changed whereas mine had been turned completely upside down. We discussed what was fair to us both and things have improved a lot. He still goes to the pub and has his hobbies but there is a lot more consideration for me and DD, and now she's 6 months and BFing is easier I get my turn to have a few hours out too.

A baby is such a massive change to your life from the minute you find out you're pregnant but for most men nothing really changes until the baby arrives. He doesn't experience any of the physical side of it or the hormones and then in a lot of cases is back to work and routine pretty quickly with no concept of just how hard a day alone with a baby can be. Yes they absolutely should have to have equal responsibility, and in an ideal world they would all just 'get it' and change their life without having to be told, but I think they have to make that change consciously IYSWIM. For the mum that change just happens naturally. Some dads will just get it straight away and can see what they have to do, and others, like my DH, find it harder to adapt and need to be told explicitly. DH is a fantastic dad, he adores DD. It doesn't make him or your DP a bad dad for needing guided in the right direction. It's how he responds to you explaining how you feel that matters.

Those early days are really tough, but it really does get easier. Hope your DP is supportive now you've told him you need him home

When my first baby was 6 week old I was living in a daze!
My life had just been COMPLETELY turned around and I had no clue what to expect. I was scared to leave her for seconds let alone leave her asleep in another room while I had a candle lit bath!!!
My partner was there as soon as he could finish work to help me out and give me a break and some time.

Maybe someone who's had more children would be more confidant BUT with baby number 1 and no experience with babies before? It's hard work! I felt like I had lost my self, took me until I went back to work to feel more like me again.

OP you sound like you are doing a great job! Have a lovely day out tomorrow! Maybe explain to your husband face to face how you feel and how you need some 'you' time and some family together time.

Call me cynical but most men realise how hard and soul destroying it can be looking after a baby all day. I work with a lot of men who have children and they're often nudging and winking about letting meetings overrun until the kids are in bed. I believe it's one of the factors of the demise of my marriage as I became very resentful at being pushed into being the default parent whilst he "had a swift pint" etc.

Bringing this post back as I let it slide the first week, but since then he has been at the pub on a Friday from work every week. Tomorrow he is playing a football game in the afternoon and one of his friends has returned from living overseas so they have planned a big night out up the local pub then onto a few bars so as the default parent I am looking after LO alone on a weekend again. I spoke to him last night and said do you mind coming home straight from work to help me out seeing as I have LO alone pretty much all day Saturday and would appreciate the extra pair of hands and he has said he'll see but odds are he may pop into the pub with his work mates for a swift pint and will then come straight home. He finishes at 3.30 and will leave pub at 5 which means rush hour and takes him an hour to get home so he will normally get in around 6pm. If he left at 3.30 he'd be home by 4. AIBU for being really upset with him today and thinking about just packing up a bag and going to my mums for the weekend because I'm sick of his selfish behaviour? Surely this isn't normal! I've told him time and time again that an hour in my baby filled world feels like 5 and think the extra time he has available seeing as he is out the following day should be spent with us, or going out with us. I'm not even suggesting we stay in, I'm more than happy to go out for dinner or do anything but somehow pub is more appealing. I am so tired of being the default parent and feel so alone.

Anyone? X

Hi op.. I think a trip with lo to your mums for a nice weekend sounds a lovely idea. Maybe you can even confide in her about how hard things are with your dh just now? Hopefully she can pamper you a bit and give you a hand with the wee one? No other advice, but hugs and for you op.

I'm sorry he is being an arse, your expectations of him are as they should be.

How does he respond when you tell him how you feel? I can't remember if you said above but does he do much with the baby? Bathtimes, feeding etc? While I think new dads should step up from day one I accept that many don't. Is he failing to bond with baby? Bored with the baby? Frightened / overwhelmed? I don't know if there's anything you can do to help with that like just hand the baby over after the next feed while you go for a walk or run? I know that the problem is you want to be with dh and going for a walk doesn't achieve that but maybe you just need to force him to do more.

Apologies if this is bad advice I can't remember what was said upthread but I wanted to give you a hug.

Go OP, he sounds like an immature boy who hasn't quite realised what having a baby implies, he seems to think the life change and responsibility should be just for you, maybe he needs a bit of a shock!

AIBU for being really upset with him today and thinking about just packing up a bag and going to my mums for the weekend because I'm sick of his selfish behaviour?

No, you're not. Do it.

Yes, go to your mum's. If he isn't interested in seeing the two of you, I bet she is!

I'm really disappointed that you opened up to him and he basically went "nah, I'm all right, I'll carry on as I am".

I'd be livid, that's not okay at all!

I'd be expecting him to come straight back on a Friday, not for moral support but so that I could shove the baby at him (lovingly) and rush out the door myself for a couple of well-deserved hours at the pub. Christ, when is it your turn?? And I know I would be reasonable to expect that, so your lowly expectations are EASILY reasonable!

By all means go to your mum's (you'll get some help and hugs, that you're clearly not getting from home). However, if your DH is as much of a selfish arse as he comes across, then I suspect that rather than going “OH NO, she's taken dd away for the whole weekend, I am going to be so lost' he will actually be just punching the air that he’s completely off the hook for parental responsibilities for the whole weekend and he can spend the whole weekend beering it up with his mates. Talk about winning a watch.
So, it depends on what you want to achieve. If it's to get a break and have a lovely time with your mum, then go for it. But don’t expect it to send a message or teach your husband a lesson, because it really won't.

I can't believe the number of people saying the baby won't know if her dad is there or not or that babies are boring. For God's sake!! This is his child for whom he has joint responsibility. The priority should be getting home to look after his family and help and support his wife, not going to the bloody pub! i would have been furious and very upset if my husband had done this. It's a bonding period, and family time should take priority over going out with his mates.

I agree with Cardinal.

What effect does completely losing it have on your dh? I find a rare but dramatic "I literally cannot do this on my own any more, you are not living up to your responsibilities, this is neither fair nor acceptable and I'm going to go insane if you don't start pulling your weight" - with tears - is sometimes what it takes to get through to someone and let them know I mean it. Some people frown upon that but seriously, when you're at your wits' end there's no point being all stoic and pretending you're not just to keep up appearances. I don't know how your dh reacts to that sort of outburst though.