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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this to former best friend?

101 replies

Mimimimionlymimi · 30/10/2017 23:17

“Hey hope your party went well. It sort of feels like things between us have become quite weird...? Got the impression you’d been ignoring me/my messages for a few weeks & think the last time we met as a two was in like February which is a bit strange when we live in the same city. Seems to be me you are reluctant to see/message rather than other friends, so I’m wondering whether there is a reason for this?”

She has massively cooled with me but will still see mutual friends. I feel like she owes me an answer though! I’m quite a steady dependable person whereas she has form for being a flighty drama queen. This was a long standing decade old friendship though and whilst I don’t like how she’s behaving I sure as hell don’t deserve to be treated like this. She broke a theee week silence to invite me to a social event (which I politely declined as I got the feeling it was one of those she couldn’t Lot invite me to, for keeping face/mutual friends purposes... She is sugary sweet to me in front of them but has turned towards me). Any advice?

OP posts:
HotPotatoePies · 30/10/2017 23:19

Move on. People change, friendships change.

Worriedobsessive · 30/10/2017 23:19

“Flighty drama queen” is your answer. Leave it. Living well is the best way.

TheSnowFairy · 30/10/2017 23:20

Personally, I cba with the drama and would certainly not be looking for reasons.

Just arrange to meet mutual friends yourself - life is too short for this shit.

Original poster
Mimimimionlymimi · 30/10/2017 23:20

We have exactly the same friendship group which makes it tough! Although some of them know my side and are supportive of that.

OP posts:
nevereverever83 · 30/10/2017 23:27

if you must send a message (bad idea imo) then do proofread it better than you do your mumsnet posts. This isn't strictly a jibe -- errors will make it look like you're angry and being impulsive.
But either way i really wouldn't if I were you.

MayFayner · 30/10/2017 23:29

Oh god no. Don't. When was the party you refer to in the first line- was it tonight?

Sleep on this.

Original poster
Mimimimionlymimi · 30/10/2017 23:33

I am typing hurriedly on my knackered old phone hence the typos. But point taken.

I won’t send, just needed to get it out. No the party was two days ago - am furious at her shitty behaviour!

OP posts:
LolaTheDarkerdestroyer · 30/10/2017 23:33

Don’t send it you will look a duck. She didn’t invite you to the party I think you can safely say the friendship is over.

TinselTwins · 30/10/2017 23:34

You do don't sound like you like her anyway!
Maybe she's not keen because you're only friends with her out of "longstanding" duty... 'cause you're so "dependable" like that! Hardly flattering is it, to be contacted cause 10 yrs...rather than because you're liked!

donquixotedelamancha · 30/10/2017 23:36

I would not send that message. Tone is hard in text, and it risks coming across as needy and passive aggressive.

It seems like you just want to score points or demand an explanation. If this is not the case and you actually want to be friends, then I would invite her out and try to build the friendship up again. Perhaps she's just been busy and is actually being genuinely friendly, not 'sugary sweet'.

If after this you feel there is a real issue that needs to be discussed, do it face to face.

Cobblersandhogwash · 30/10/2017 23:36

No. Don’t bother. You won’t get the truth from her anyway. It’s pointless exercise. A mature approach won’t work.

At worst, she will simply deny anything is wrong and will make you look paranoid. At best, you will find out about some tiny nonsense slight you have done her and it will be escalated.

So you have the same circle of friends? Yes, a little bit awkward but you can be polite and detached from her in any social setting. It’s easy. Friendly formalities and then move on to the next person in the room with whom you are really friendly with.

Don’t for God’s sake discuss her and this nonsense with your mutual friends. Don’t put them in that position and assume she is also talking about you to them. Just keep quiet about it. Save your dignity.

In short, she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore. Don’t chase her. Let her go and focus on people who value you and who don’t drop you like this.

Original poster
Mimimimionlymimi · 30/10/2017 23:39

I have done the inviting her out thing. Yes I was invited to the party. Yes I enjoyed her company - just not the way she is treating me!! Which is pretty abhorrent. But point taken - will leave it

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 30/10/2017 23:40

You may not deserve it. Nevertheless this is how she is behaving. Let it go. Her loss.

If she is the drama queen you suggest don't feed it. Don't involve others either, or encourage them to take sides. Concentrate on real friends who you can rely on.

LolaTheDarkerdestroyer · 30/10/2017 23:41

Dick btw not duck...

millifiori · 30/10/2017 23:42

Don't bother. She probably won't respond with a mature and reasonable explanation. It's hard to do but I'd just let it drift away. Even if you do have a mutual friendship group, the friendships within a group can fluctuate. At least she had the grace to invite you to the party.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 31/10/2017 00:10

I would send a text, but only cos I couldn't bear not knowing if I'd done something wrong! I'd probably just say 'have I done something to upset you? Feels like things are a bit off between us'.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/10/2017 00:11

No, don't send her any messages. Ignore her if you can, be polite if you have to be at the same event, and let go of the friendship. Just like being dumped by someone you were dating, you have to suck it up when people stop wanting to spend time with you, even though it's unpleasant. Whining, demanding apologies, begging for attention... all this stuff makes you look like a twat and will never, ever win back the other person's liking.

Remember everyone has the right to move away from those they were once close to, for any reason - you can't force someone to like you and make time for you if that person no longer wants to.

MrLovebucket · 31/10/2017 00:16

Not sure I get this.

She invited you to an event, you assumed she was asking as you "got the feeling" she was doing it for less than friendly reasons so declined.

Look at it from her point of view. You haven't seen her since Feb, she invited you to a party and you refused. She probably thinks you are the one being difficult/drama queen.

I think you are projecting here and your friend simply wanted to invite you to a party.

I have good friends that I sometimes don't contact for three weeks (or more) too. Doesn't mean I don't care about them, just that other shit gets in the way. I'd hate to think I have to live i someone's pocket to be A True Friend.

ewen1234 · 31/10/2017 00:16

Having experienced something similar fairly recently I would say, dont respond but the next time you see her, smile politely but keep on walking . This is child's play and if you pander to it, you're showing yourself to being just as immature as her!!.

Leave her to it and move on ...

Helpmetosaysomethingx · 31/10/2017 00:18

No it’s not like that - she has been incredibly flaky to me for months, turned down catch-ups I have suggested, made excuses. Only invited me to group events on her terms. My last message (three weeks before) had been asking her to give me a call. She responded three weeks later with party invite, completely ignoring my message re call.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 31/10/2017 00:21

But what if the friend is actually upset about something and they could clear the air by talking about it? This isn't just an acquaintance, op says she's her best friend. Surely with best friends its worth at least one go at getting to the bottom of it before walking away?

MrLovebucket · 31/10/2017 00:22

My friend of nearly 30 years has turned down my last 3 invitations to meet up in spite of her sending texts saying guff like "I really miss you, we need to catch up"

Yes it's annoying but life isn't a Disney movie, people can be irritating gits at times.

If she hasn't done/said anything nasty then I think you are taking this too much to heart.

Ploppie4 · 31/10/2017 00:23

Keep it simple ‘are you upset with me? Your behaviour has changed this year. Do you want to talk about it?’

MakeItStopNeville · 31/10/2017 00:24

She invited you to a party and you said no because you had a “feeling” and she’s the one being weird?! Just call and meet up and explain how you feel. Your friendship’s either over or it’s not but nothing good will come from sending texts like that.

TinselTwins · 31/10/2017 00:26

I honestly think that what's happened here is that the OP qualified a "best friend" by longevity rather than mutual affection. Because of this she has high expectations of a relationship that's not actually close, just because of the old "old friends must mean good friends" thing.

Its often done, I've previously caught myself doing it.