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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send this to former best friend?

101 replies

Mimimimionlymimi · 30/10/2017 23:17

“Hey hope your party went well. It sort of feels like things between us have become quite weird...? Got the impression you’d been ignoring me/my messages for a few weeks & think the last time we met as a two was in like February which is a bit strange when we live in the same city. Seems to be me you are reluctant to see/message rather than other friends, so I’m wondering whether there is a reason for this?”

She has massively cooled with me but will still see mutual friends. I feel like she owes me an answer though! I’m quite a steady dependable person whereas she has form for being a flighty drama queen. This was a long standing decade old friendship though and whilst I don’t like how she’s behaving I sure as hell don’t deserve to be treated like this. She broke a theee week silence to invite me to a social event (which I politely declined as I got the feeling it was one of those she couldn’t Lot invite me to, for keeping face/mutual friends purposes... She is sugary sweet to me in front of them but has turned towards me). Any advice?

OP posts:
babybarrister · 31/10/2017 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhyOhWine · 31/10/2017 09:08

I think you should have gone to her party (assuming you did not have a prior engagement). I doubt it would have been too awkward given number of mutual friends there, and I think you have lost the moral high ground and she will now be able to spin it that it is you who is blanking her.

The message gives the impression that you were not invited to the party so is not appropriate as drafted.

morningconstitutional2017 · 31/10/2017 09:09

'Least said, soonest mended' is advice my mum always went by. Be absolutely certain before you commit yourself to writing. Maybe it would be better to just move on as it sounds like she has. Do you really need a drama queen as a friend?

SilverSpot · 31/10/2017 09:11

I agree with @PickleFish

MargaretTwatyer · 31/10/2017 09:21

OP, you're not very complimentary about her, describing her as a 'flighty drama queen'. You also say that other friends 'know your side'.

Looking at it from her point of view, that might feel like you don't like her that much and you slag her off to mutual friends, yet still expect to be treated as a best friend and are perhaps somewhat clingy and expect to be invited along to what she's doing. Do you think perhaps she might see it more that way?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2017 09:25

I agree with morningconstitutional, that is such a wise doctrine to live by and I wish I remembered to do just that more often.

Don't send that message, OP and really - don't set up the friendship group to take sides because I really think you'd come off worst.

SheSparkles · 31/10/2017 09:26

Walk away. I had a similar issue , and asked the person about it. The answer I got was their perception of a comment I’d made. They were the only person who had seen it this (wrong) way, but I can’t change that. It didn’t feel good and I now feel the situation is totally irredeemable

Lethaldrizzle · 31/10/2017 09:28

So shes a drama queen and you are solid and dependable. Are you sure she'd agree with those descriptions?

LetsSplashMummy · 31/10/2017 09:32

I think you sound quite hard work and she is probably just busy with her life and it isn't about you at all. She hasn't actually done anything wrong, just not behaved as you think she should - that is perfectly fine. You told her to call you, why didn't you just call her? I just don't understand these weird score card, testing each other, friendships and maybe she doesn't either.

You have told friends "your side" which is what exactly? Unless there is something big you aren't saying, that is probably why they are going out without you, nothing more, so stop bitching over nothing. Just go to the parties or out when asked, carry on as normal and stop reading between the lines for messages that aren't there. Oh, and do not send a message like that, it'll haunt you.

Bonobosown · 31/10/2017 09:37

Maybe she just doesn't like you anymore. I'm sorry if that sounds really horrible but I had a very similar kind of experience with a decades-long friend of mine. We were friends as teenagers but as we got older we became very different people and I found she still spoke to me as a naughty teenager and not an adult. I did try raising it with her a couple of times and nothing changes. I got very tired of it so I just kind of phased her out I'm afraid.

She was really demanding and would get really offended if I didn't immediately reply to texts, want to have long phone conversations or meet at least twice a month.

Sometimes you just have to accept the friendship is dead because maybe you are just no longer compatible as friends.

AtlanticWaves · 31/10/2017 09:43

I hate it when people text me telling me to call them.

Reminds me of my teenage best friend who always used to say "call me" as she was leaving. 1) you are not my boss 2) I have other things to do 3) it costs me money (this was before mobile phones) 4) it means that the contact is in my court so she can then legitimately complain that I'm not contacting her whereas she isn't making the effort either

MeAndMyElephant · 31/10/2017 09:48

I tried to sort out something with a friend who had gone cold on me; I sent a super mild, ultra gentle text, but she went ballistic. The whole thing went nuclear and caused problems across the entire friendship group that have lasted for years.
So now I wish I had let it go and just accepted it was her choice. People change. Life moves on.

KatherinaMinola · 31/10/2017 09:56

"She broke a three week silence to invite me to a social event"

A "three week silence"? Grin Honestly, you sound like the drama queen here. She might have all sorts of things going on.

Rudgie47 · 31/10/2017 10:48

Move on and let her contact you if she wants.
Look towards meeting new people away from this friendship group as well. Join some new things, anything to get you mingling with other people.
People change all the time and make new friends and find that old friends dont really suit them anymore. I'm sure neither of you have done anything wrong its just the way it goes sometimes.
Loss of a friend is hard, but you'll get over it and dont send that message, she will be showing it to other people and it doesnt make you look good.

WhatwouldAryado · 31/10/2017 10:50

If someone as an adult can be described as flighty or drama queen then Don't chase after them you're just creating a drama. Which they want. You're feeding the immaturity. Don't play the game.

2014newme · 31/10/2017 10:52

Don't send that.
It's cringey.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 31/10/2017 10:52

Move on. I bet she will miss you before you miss her anyway. Please don’t belittle yourself by begging for an answer.

messyjessy17 · 31/10/2017 11:00

I feel like she owes me an answer though! I’m quite a steady dependable person whereas she has form for being a flighty drama queen

Maybe she just doesn't like how judgemental and rude you are about her?

Mulch · 31/10/2017 11:01

Don't feed the monster. Rejection hurts but you have to suck it up and put on a brave face. At the absolute most if you must make contact id write something short and succinct. Have I done something to upset you

2014newme · 31/10/2017 11:01

She uses you nothing. She doesn't need to give you a reason. You're embarrassing yourself.

Flimp · 31/10/2017 11:07

You can’t make someone like you. Let it go and move on.

whiskyowl · 31/10/2017 11:20

I also like PickleFish's message.

Givemeallthechocolate · 31/10/2017 11:37

I haven't read the whole thread, but I am in a fairly similar situation. I have pulled away from said friend over the past 18 months, but 6 months ago I really pulled away.

I reply to every other text she sends. I don't like her Facebook posts, I've not made plans to see her, and made an excuse not to go for coffee with her when she last asked.

If she sent me an email like you've written for your friend, I'm sorry to say that the reply she would get would be "we've grown apart" if I even replied.
I wouldn't spend the time to write to her about what was wrong, because to be honest, were not friends anymore and I wouldn't give her the time of day now.

In fact the one thing it would do, is it would make me stop trying to make it seem like there wasn't a problem. I'd just blank her.

Im Just trying to say, confrontation may not always make it better

crazycatlady5 · 31/10/2017 11:42

I would actually want an answer as it could be a huge misunderstanding and I like to hang on to friends (if they’re worth it). But it’s quite lengthy I would probably just go with ‘have I done anything to offend/upset you? It just feels you've drifted and I wondered if there was a reason’

This happened with one of my friends and it turned out she felt I hadn’t been making much of an effort with her. She came round that night and burst into tears and we’re good pals now. Dramatic behaviour but forgiven as she is worth it. You need to decide if your mate is worth it really.

oklookingahead · 31/10/2017 11:50

"You need to decide if your mate is worth it really."

And be prepared for them to think that you are not.

I do agree that the 'have I done anything to upset you, I'm sad we've drifted' approach is more likely to work than an annoyed 'oi!'- if that turns out to be the reason. If not, and friend has just moved on then nothing will work.

I would say in the vast majority of cases an overture like this doesn't work (my hunch, not experience!) - but occasionally, it does! So you always have to be prepared for some meaningless platitudes about how busy the person is - (or worse, if they decide to be truthful!) - and then nothing to change.

Agree confrontation does not always make things better - though whether it ever genuinely makes it worse is an interesting philosophical question. Perhaps openness is itself better - though it also has huge disadvantages!