To send this to former best friend?

[Mimimimionlymimi]

“Hey hope your party went well. It sort of feels like things between us have become quite weird...? Got the impression you’d been ignoring me/my messages for a few weeks & think the last time we met as a two was in like February which is a bit strange when we live in the same city. Seems to be me you are reluctant to see/message rather than other friends, so I’m wondering whether there is a reason for this?”

She has massively cooled with me but will still see mutual friends. I feel like she owes me an answer though! I’m quite a steady dependable person whereas she has form for being a flighty drama queen. This was a long standing decade old friendship though and whilst I don’t like how she’s behaving I sure as hell don’t deserve to be treated like this. She broke a theee week silence to invite me to a social event (which I politely declined as I got the feeling it was one of those she couldn’t Lot invite me to, for keeping face/mutual friends purposes... She is sugary sweet to me in front of them but has turned towards me). Any advice?

I have tried meeting up and I have tried talking and I have tried calling/asking her to call. She says there’s no problem and makes vague excuses. I just don’t understand. I didn’t go to the party because I am ridiculously busy with other things. But have gone to every other event

Gosh not at all!!! She frequently referred to me as her best friend, we lived together, she told me things in confidence. For around two or three years I was certainly her closest female friend. But thanks for telling me what you think is true 😅

Have you not noticed that your entire reply to me is written in the past tense? Which was exactly my point! Having history together doesn't always translate to a permanent / present tense connection

Well yes... because things have changed. Please see my first post, many thanks

Well exactly!

Do you like her? I don't mean do you like the past you've shared, but do you like her company, present tense? Doesn't sound like it, sounds like you want to maintain a friendship for old times same rather than for the right reasons.

If you are close friends then you really should be able to ask her what's wrong.

What do you miss about her?
Or do you just think you should be friends because of history?

Yes you should ask her, I don’t know if the words you used are right - you know her better. If you have invested time and emotion into the relationship then of course you want to know what’s up, and especially with mutual friends or there will be an atmosphere. Take control of the situation and you will feel better for it, you know her well enough to know there IS a problem, so get it aired and then move on!

What cobblers said. You won't get a proper answer, so don't do it.

I don't know, you sound really critical about her. Maybe she's got things going on that you don't know about. Maybe she's moving away from the friendship.

Yes I enjoyed her company - just not the way she is treating me!! Which is pretty abhorrent

What has she done that is abhorrent? Sorry if I've missed it in the thread.

In your situation, my head would tell me to leave her be, my heart would be niggling like hell and need answers, so I see why you want to message her.

I completely understand your post OP, I had a couple of “friends” like this until fairly recently. One was a drama queen too.
Needless to say they are former friends...but I count myself lucky as I have plenty of good friends.
Its tempting but wouldn’t send the text, because I don’t think you’ll get an answer, or you may get an answer but end up more hurt. I would say nothing further and accept that the friendship is over.

Although some of them know my side...

Big mistake. And way too high school.

You are steady and dependable, she is a 'flighty drama queen' according to you. Are you concerned that the other friends will like her more despite the fact that you are clearly the better person being so steady and all?

Just let it go. Definitely don't email her. If you need to ask, actually speak to her.

You are clearly done with this friendship, or else you would have accepted the invitation and tried to have a good time with this person.
It's ok to move on, people do all the time.

Head high, don't look back, and for God's sake, don't go dragging mutual friends into it, that never works.
Just act like you've never been more than casual friends, and let it go.

In a similar situation OP.
My 'best friend' is off with me in messages and I haven't seen her in months
Last time I saw her we went to visit her. Since then 2 of my kids have had health problems and she's been nowhere to be seen. She will in fact drive past my street to visit other friends......to be honest I've taken the hint now.
But I haven't confronted her about it. It's her choice and I know i would come off looking desperate.
In the words of Elsa.......Let It Go!

If she is being a drama queen, and is genuinely being off with you, why would you feed the drama? Some people get off on power and showing her you care by texting her that type of text is feeding her ego and makes you look desperate. Hopefully your friendship will pick up in the future but let that happen naturally rather than forcing it. If not, move on.

Think about what you want from sending the message, apologies? Confirmation? Change in behaviour?

Now think about what you will actually get? Ignored? Drama? Excuses?

Have there been any changes in either of your lives that make you less compatible these days?

I once distanced myself from a previously close friend after she had another baby after a big gap & I was well passed the baby stage. She hadn't done anything "wrong" but she was no longer able to do the type of things I wanted to and I found the constant baby talk very wearing tbh.

Like your friend, I was always busy when she suggested meeting up (genuinely - I'd realised I'd become too reliant on her in the past and wanted to spend the little spare time I did have cultivating other friendships & interests). If she'd sent me a message like you're proposing it would've freaked me out and I'd be angry being put on the spot, having my freedom of choice challenged. I would also probably respond that nothing was wrong so you'd be no better off!

We had mutual friends but I never discussed it with them so don't know if they felt the same but, afaik, they don't see much of her now either.

As others said, let it go and make an effort to make other friends. If you do have contact be pleasant & friendly and who knows one day you might drift back together but, if not, you probably won't care....

What I never understand is why some people don't accept that friendships change and many end, not because of anything in particular but just because the original circumstances that created them have gone and the friendship hasn't adapted enough to continue long-term. If you like someone then you make an attempt to keep the friendship going and if it's not reciprocated then you let it slide, leaving the door open for it to start up again later. If you don't then just let it go. Either way don't insist on chapter & verse why it didn't work because you can probably guarantee you've ruined it permanently.

But also sometimes we can inadvertently upset a friend who may then appear to be off with us, and sometimes if we ask the friend what's going on rather than just walking away we can actually resolve it. Best friends don't grow on trees and if one of my best friends started treating me differently I absolutely would ask them if everything was ok, I wouldn't just give up on the friendship without even trying once to sort things out, because to me best friends are very rare and worth making a bit of effort for. Some posters on here seem to be coming from the perspective that their best friends are inherently twats which I just don't get at all.

Yes, I am inclined to agree with what - it can be worth one go at trying to see if you have inadvertently hurt the other's feelings. But only one attempt, and it sounds as though op may have tried that - and only if the person is incredibly important to you.

The risks of asking are manyfold; you may get an honest answer which is incredibly hurtful; more likely you will be told 'no all is fine', nothing changes and then feel you've been needy and undignified. Or, you may rescue the friendship! I think many of us feel the risks outweigh the slim possibility of the third outcome. Though why it is undignified to want to rescue a friendship I am not quite sure. Still, I don't think I'd do it these days - but never say never!

Not sure if there are dc on the scene - if so is it possible they may have fallen out? Adult friendships often don't survive that.

I don't understand what she's done that's so abhorrent, either, and why you keep saying you 'Don't deserve to be treated like that'. What do you deserve? Someone doesn't specially want to be friends with you, so is fading you out. You don't deserve anything in particular - what makes you think she really really ought to be friends with you? Why does she have to have some awkward conversation to say that you've grown apart, if that's her reason? She just doesn't feel like spending loads of time with you and hasn't agree to catch ups, or hasn't phoned when you told her to call. That's her right. It's disappointing when someone doesnt' seem to like you that much any more, but it doesn't make her wrong. Or you, either. You can both just not particularly like each other as much as you used to, and still stay acquaintances that are vaguely friendly when you see each other, and not make a huge drama out of it. She honestly doesn't need to like you any more, just because you've been friends for 10 years. If you really want to know, you can wait and have a get together with her some time if she fancies it, and then see if you can start to get closer again, and maybe chat about it - but I'd wait until you don't have this attitude that she owes you an explanation or that you deserve her friendship or her attention. She may well be thinking a lot of the same things about you!

actually rereading the posts I'm not sure the op has already tried it. Of course friend may now be hurt that op did not go the party.

I vacillate on this one. Why do we think it such a 'no no' to say to a friend we are feeling hurt? Would it be so bad to show this? I suspect there may be some instinctive 'hold your head up' reaction because out in the wild, the weak get abandoned - so we feel deep down that we need to put on a show of strength to be accepted! Hmm, not an encouraging message for the morning!

Op, sympathies. It can be incredibly hurtful to be dropped or distanced by a friend. I would focus on your other friends and interests for the time being. But don't feel bad that you are upset - it is quite natural to be. I also read on another thread recently that it is particularly hurtful these days because there is a 'culture' of thinking friendships will always be supportive and wonderful - and they are not always like that.

So she invites you to the party, you decline, and then want to send her a shitty message sarcastically saying it looked like fun?

Sounds like you’re the problem friend in this relationship.

I don't think that it's telling a friend you're hurt that is such a no-no. It's demanding they call you, saying you don't deserve to be faded out, that someone else's behaviour is abhorrent for not explaining to you exactly what it is that has made them drift away, etc. There's no problem with being hurt, nor with saying so - if she'd said to her friend "I'm sorry we haven't seem to see each other much lately which makes me sad; I hope I haven't done anything to upset you - I'm really sorry if I have, and I hope we can get together at some point to catch up as I'd really like to see more of you" - that would be a very different feeling.