To send this to former best friend?

[Mimimimionlymimi]

“Hey hope your party went well. It sort of feels like things between us have become quite weird...? Got the impression you’d been ignoring me/my messages for a few weeks & think the last time we met as a two was in like February which is a bit strange when we live in the same city. Seems to be me you are reluctant to see/message rather than other friends, so I’m wondering whether there is a reason for this?”

She has massively cooled with me but will still see mutual friends. I feel like she owes me an answer though! I’m quite a steady dependable person whereas she has form for being a flighty drama queen. This was a long standing decade old friendship though and whilst I don’t like how she’s behaving I sure as hell don’t deserve to be treated like this. She broke a theee week silence to invite me to a social event (which I politely declined as I got the feeling it was one of those she couldn’t Lot invite me to, for keeping face/mutual friends purposes... She is sugary sweet to me in front of them but has turned towards me). Any advice?

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

Wow I find it staggering how so many peopl just give up on friendships as soon as there's a bad patch. Me and my best friends have had multiple ups and downs over the years but we talk about it and sort it out because deep down we care a lot about each other. I thought that's what people did?!
Its obviously different with acquaintances who come and go, or friendships which are transient. But I would never just walk away from a very close friend because she'd been a bit odd with me, I would want to at least try to get to the bottom of it first. If they thought I was needy for doing that then they probably aren't the sort of person I would've been best friends with in the first place!

[littlechous]

OP, what’s she done that’s abhorrent?

[messyjessy17]

am furious at her shitty behaviour!

Sounds like you are the drama queen here. She invited you to a party, you chose not to go. Your posts are full of self righteous anger at someone who seems merely to have had enough of your nastiness.

I imagine her post about the situation would be very different
.

[doobeydoo]

I have tried meeting up and I have tried talking and I have tried calling/asking her to call. She says there’s no problem and makes vague excuses. I just don’t understand. I didn’t go to the party because I am ridiculously busy with other things. But have gone to every other event
Ok, so you've tried and haven't had the response you want. That's just how life goes sometimes, we can't control other people and how they act towards us.

I really really don't think you need to say anything else to her if she has said there's no problem. It will get tiresome for her. Just let her go a bit for now, and accept that her energies are going elsewhere for now. That's the ups and downs of friendships. I'd stay in touch with the wider group, and go along to things and be friendly to your friend.
Shared history apart, would you actually become friends if you met each other for the first time now? I think it is hard to tell how she has been abhorrent, and least said soonest mended. Nobody wants to be in a friendship which isn't easy and natural, nobody wants to be friends with someone where they feel they're going to be scolded if they don't maintain a full level of contact at all times. That's no fun for anyone and as everyone has busy lives, spending time with friends should be relaxing and yes - fun - and you need to be a bit more light-hearted with her and easier on the whole situation. Try being breezy and not to take things so personally.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Most people would rather not have to say to a former friend: I don't want to be friends with you any more, go away. So they make excuses and ignore the person as much as possible. This generally works, because most people (at least in the UK) understand the rules, take the hint and everyone just moves on, even if there's a touch of sadness on one side or another.
But if you're trying to shake off someone who considers him/herself a wonderful friend 'emotionally open' and 'not into playing games' then you're even more likely to try to avoid confrontation, because such people invariably say they 'want to put things right' when what they actually mean is they are going to criticize you for being a bad friend, tell you once again how important they are and how you ought to treat them, and do everything that has made you want to shake the fucker off in the first place.

You will get nowhere with trying to coerce this woman into maintaining a friendship with you, OP, apart from making yourself look stupid (and quite possibly making the rest of the friendship group cut you off as well because they don't want any more of your self-important, attention-seeking behaviour). You have no authority over her and if you keep trying to make contact with her when she is demonstrating in every way possible that she's not interested, you might even end up being charged with harassent.

[LagunaBubbles]

OP why have you name changed half way through a thread - it makes it impossible for the rest of your posts to be highlighted.

[Gordonsdaughter]

I recently received a message from a friend that was in very similar terms to the one you wanted to send, OP...

The old me would have admitted something was up and thrashed it out. The wiser, experienced me is aware that no good can come from this, and if I explain what my friend has done (she has an idea what it is but is pretending not to) she will cry and I will be the bad guy. People don't like you to say things to their faces. That is the way of things unfortunately.

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

Or, SGB, you might find that they say 'well actually I was annoyed about x,y or z' and then you can apologise and make amends or talk it through, or agree to disagree and go your separate ways or whatever. Why do you assume that your friends are all secretly arseholes?? I just don't think about my friends like that at all.
And I think a lot of people are projecting a lot on this thread, for all you know the ops friend is not trying to shake her off at all and maybe has just been busy, or distracted, or annoyed/upset with something the op has done.
Do you really think that no friendships are ever worth any effort at all and the moment it hits a rough patch the best thing is just to leg it??

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

Gordon's daughter, again that only rings true if your friend is actually an arsehole. When I've had a situation where I've said to a good friend 'have I done something wrong, you seem a bit off' and she's let loose on me about the thing I'd done that had pissed her off (I had no idea) and then we argued and blah blah and then we made up, felt a lot better for having cleared the air, and 7 years later are still very close fronds. Because neither of us are arseholes!

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

And genuinely, if this was your child and they had a best friend who they loved and were very close to, and then theirs friend was a bit off with them, would you genuinely advise your child that their friend is clearly trying to phase them out and just move on and forget about them? You wouldn't encourage them to try asking the friend what's wrong first?

[PickleFish]

"try asking" - yes. Call their behaviour 'shitty' and 'abhorrent' and say that you deserve more and that you've told them to call you and complain they haven't - no.

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

Oh I do agree with that PickleFish, there is no need for all the emotionally dramatic language, just ask them if there's something wrong.

[Mittens1969]

I think you might be over thinking things here. She invited you to this party, which you declined, that is quite petulant behaviour imo. I think you’re the one who has behaved like a drama queen.

[Gordonsdaughter]

Whatthefuck

There is nothing wrong with asking in itself, but assuming that you'll get an honest response is naive.

It worked for you, good for you. I'm not an arsehole and neither is my friend, but thanks.

I've always been of the upfront honesty is the best policy school of thought. However, I have learned the hard way that "having it out" with people ultimately does not change their behaviour in the long term and rebounds on me, with my friend crying because I've told her how she's let me down, and everyone then being cross because I made poor friend cry. So this time I'm walking away.

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

But Gordonsdaughter, with all due respect your friend must be a bit of an arsehole, if you know that if you were to speak to her about something that was upsetting you/bothering you (to the extent that you would end the friendship) her reaction would be to cry and make you out to be the bad guy? That's a pretty arseholey way to treat a friend.

But I am giving my opinion/advice to the op on the presumption that generally speaking our best friends aren't arseholes, and so wouldn't respond in the way you describe.

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

Just to clarify, I wouldn't dream of asking someone if there was something wrong if they were a friend I'd known for a short while, or a work colleague I went for the occasional coffee with or something like that. I totally agree that would be intense and weird.
I am really talking about when a very close/best friend seems to change in their behavior towards me then I absolutely would ask them if anything was wrong.
It boggles my mind that anyone wouldn't!

[Gordonsdaughter]

@What the fuck

She's not an arsehole, really. She is pretty sensitive. But in general I have found that raising issues to friends' faces has bitten me in the ass, sensitive or no. People seem to prefer for you to talk behind their back. That is my bitter(!) experience.

[Motoko]

What I find odd, is the way friendships are treated differently to LTR/marriage.

There are sometimes times that one or the other of you are going to do or say something that pisses the other off, or start acting distant. In a marriage, people would tell you to talk it through, yet in a friendship, the message seems to be to drop the friend.

Why the difference?

[sonjadog]

Only raise it with her if you are sure you want an honest answer, and that that might not be nice. Like "I find you really boring", "Your endless whining drives me up the wall", "I hate the way you eat". Don´t ask if you don´t want to hear unpleasant things about yourself.

[Trampire]

Three week silence???

Bloody hell IP you sound really high maintenance. I'm an old woman of 45. I have friends (really good-count-your-life-on friends) who I don't see for months sometimes even years. We're friends because no matter how long it's been we never give each other shit about how long it's been.

I've had a terrible year. I lost my Dad at the beginning of the year and it hit me about 4 months later. Since then I've bee barely seeing/speaking to anyone. My greatest friend I haven't seen since June (and we live in the same city).

You have no idea what's going on with your friend OP. Three weeks is no time at all. She just invited you to a party ffs! You declined.....

[AMagdalena]

Honestly OP. Move on.

3 week silence is nothing! I don't see some of my best friends for months as they live far away and I don't expect them to message me all the time. They have lives and other friends, too.

Also, you might have been ghosted by the said friend for a reason.

Just let it go. Dwelling on it will only make you look needy and people don't generally like 'needy'.

[Happydoingitjusttheonce]

The shoe is on the other foot with me. There is one friend who I have cooled with, with good reason and mutual friends understand why. But i can’t bring myself to confront her and explain. So I just make excuses. Not ideal I know. Just move on

[ReanimatedSGB]

Whatthefuck: anyone who keeps on and on pestering is an arsehole. It's actually perfectly all right to grow apart from people, move on, walk away, and no one is owed an explanation.
The same applies to dating/romantic relationships. if you want to walk, you walk.
Because it's mainly selfish, toxic, abusive people who think they are entitled to explanations, and who won't listen even if you do try to tell them that you have had enough of their constant whining/demanding behaviour/attention-seeking, and tell you you are being silly, over-reacting, or you have hurt their feelings by being upset that they borrowed your new coat and wrecked it, or trod on your cat, or blew out your birthday party because they had a better offer.
It's not at all uncommon for people to realise that the 'friend' they have known for a long time is actually a PITA they would be happier without.

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

That's exactly my point SGB, I just have literally never found that one of my best friends has become a selfish, toxic, abusive person. So I wouldn't dream of treating them like one.
Maybe I have been lucky but the people I've become best/closest friends with have all been really kind and decent, so if they starting behaving strangely to me I would ask if everything was ok. So far this approach has 100% of the time resulted in us sorting out whatever is going on and being closer friends as a result.
It's possible of course that I am the selfish, abusive and toxic friend because I ask if they're ok rather than just walking away, but it doesn't seem like they think that.
I'm not for one minute advocating stalking by the way! Of course if one of my close friends went odd with me and I asked them if anything was wrong and they ignored me then of course I would have to just assume they don't want to talk about it and leave it, but that has literally never happened. The only times I've asked a close friend that question they've either reassured me that everything's fine, and then gone back to normal, or we've talked (sometimes argued) about whatever it is and then everything has gone back to normal.
I just can't imagine being close friends with people who are these awful, manipulative, selfish fuckers that you describe your friends as!

[oklookingahead]

" if this was your child and they had a best friend who they loved and were very close to, and then theirs friend was a bit off with them, would you genuinely advise your child that their friend is clearly trying to phase them out and just move on and forget about them? You wouldn't encourage them to try asking the friend what's wrong first?"

An interesting question. It would depend. On what I knew of the friend and his/her behaviour now and in the past, on my own dc's state and resilience, and so on. The main thing would be to discuss it with my dc I think, and the pros and cons - I would tend to take a neutral line although in some cases I might express a view! I think it is actually riskier for a dc or teen to do this than for a adult - very stressful time for teens and if the friend decided to go down the 'home truths' route eg 'you're just such a loser, I'm so bored with you', that might not be a good thing!

Actually I can think of a couple of occasions when dc I know of have apparently tried asking the friend. On neither occasion was the friendship 'rescued' - I don't know if the dc are glad they tried it though, they may well feel 'at least I tried'.