To be on DD's boyfriend's side?

[AshleighPope]

DD is 17. We (our household) would all say that we were feminists.

DD has had her boyfriend over for the weekend. DD is having some new units put up and she was carrying some wood up the stairs, with DH following and her boyfriend did turn around and say to DH "why are you getting her to carry it, I'll carry it (DD's name)?" and she went rather ballistic, saying that she thought he wasn't like that. As I said before, I absolutely do see where she is coming from, but he was looking out for her. He seemed really sad and went home

I actually can't stop thinking about it, he's just a young lad. I have a son too and wouldn't think he was going against anything he has been taught, if he offered to do it for his girlfriend.

AIBU to feel a bit sad for him?

Oh for god sake. She has a lot of growing up today - maybe tell her to quit the dramatics and feminist cliche? Poor boyfriend.

He was rude to your husband and insulted your dd!

Good on your dd for speaking up and asserting herself!

No I would be too. He's propbably just trying to make a good impression on your DH by showing he is trying to help too! It's the kind of thing I do infront of dps family that I wouldn't do otherwise (like marking a million cups of tea or helping to unload the car )

I would be annoyed if anyone assumed I wasn't capable of carrying something, especially something that I was ALREADY carrying! And why address your husband instead of just offering to help her if he wanted to make himself useful?

That's how I took it, that he was trying to make an impression. I have to disagree with "feminist cliche" but yes, I do feel for him.

Tbh I'd be mad he asked my Dad why instead of offering me. Yore my boyfriend, you do t get to question my Dad on how he treats me over something I can clearly capably do.

However she over reacted . clearly he was raised to be a "gentleman" and do the "bloke" stuff

OP, I see where you're coming from. However, women cannot get all the extra 'nice' bits (having dinner paid for, not having to put in much effort, etc.) and then want equality everywhere else. If men see women accepting that he's being nice by thinking she shouldn't be carrying that, it spreads to other parts. I recently did a similar thing to a friend, I actually did feel bad after. However, I doubt he'll ever suggest to another man why he's let me lift it again... Which is good, he knows I'm capable and that he doesn't need to 'make an impression', so I stick by what I did. I also asked a very close friend after he said ladies first, why. He didn't really have an answer and I let him go. I think it's important that this 'gentleman' crap is stopped. You can be a nice guy, but if you wouldn't say it to/about your closest male friend, you shouldn't say it to/about your girlfriend. If this boy would honestly have said the same thing around his mate's house (would have been better to offer) then fine, but I doubt he would have and there's the problem.

Poor kid!! She didn’t have to go ballistic , that’s just aggressive, she could have spoken about it to him when they were on their own, how bloody exhausting to get her up about something so ridiculous , hopefully he will dump her and get a girlfriend who appreciates his kindness

YANBU.
It's nothing to do with feminism. Men are generally physically stronger - it's biological - so it makes sense for them to do the heavier physical stuff.

@Mrsbird311 if he's being kind, he'd offer to do it for his mate's/brother, etc. do you think he would?

@Mintychoc1 why? Even if women can do it? If she couldn't lift it, yes, a man is most likely to be able to help (although not always) but as she could, why would a stronger person need to do it, wether male or female?

@Mrsbird311 if he's being kind, he'd offer to do it for his mate's/brother, etc. do you think he would?

Why wouldn't he? My dp offers to carry things all the time to help out, man or woman!

@StickThatInYourPipe that's great and that's when I think it is being nice. However, I have seen a lot and experience, a male my age, saying to another male my age "why have you left her to carry it" even though it's in my arms. There's no way he would have turned to me and said "why have you left him to carry it".

It's like, I've been out with a group of boys and it's cold out, one of them has a coat, he offers it to me, yet we are all friends and I didn't mention being cold once, one of the boys did though... They think they're being kind, but why not offer it to the guy who said he was cold to be kind? To you not see what I mean?

TurquoiseChevrotain ahh see my dp would be like "why have you left ME to carry it" if it were just the two of us hehe

I find these threads hard because I am lucky with my dp and we are very equal so I can't get my head around some of it. Like hear I just see a 17 year old lad tying to help and gain some brownie points with gfs dad. But I guess when you put it how you have I can sort of see the other point.

Obviously I meant here and not hear!!

But he didn't offer to help her carry it. He assumed she couldn't and told of the other man in the situation for treating her as an equal. And when she objected to his belittling of her capabilities, instead of accepting she had a point he seemingly tried to make her feel responsible for his emotional response and went off sulking. if I were her mother id be telling her shed dodged a bullet. Are you sure Yu are a feminist??

a) why did he feel the need to speak to her ‘other male owner’ rather than her and

b) how dare he question your DH in his own home when he is perfectly legitimately treating his daughter as the capable human she is?!

I would have been pissed off (probably wouldn’t have torn him a strip like that but still, irritating fucking ‘man’ bullshit.)

I'm old now and just say thank you young man to gentlemanly offers, but it used to really get my wick.

It's nothing to do with feminism. Men are generally physically stronger - it's biological - so it makes sense for them to do the heavier physical stuff

I would question that. I worked in a hospital laundry with all women who were being paid minimum wage. Nobody minded that we had to carry heavy piles of sheets, because that is women's work.

Does your daughter's boyfriend often scold your husband, OP?

Jesus, poor lad!

Your DD is blowing it out of all proportion, her boyfriend was trying to be kind and make himself useful, no need to jump down his throat like that.

Sounds like he was quite rude to your husband, no? I'd have been pissed off if I was either your DH or your DD. He should have just said "do you want me to take that?"

Perhaps she overreacted but his questioning of her dad in a sort of one male to another kind of way does make it a feminist issue.

I’d love to see how any feminist would manage on our labour intensive farm when they get into their 60’s. Try looking at a cow's back-end, at a couple of hooves sticking out, knowing you had to pull the calf to save the lives of both cow and calf, you'd find out quickly men are much more physically capable. My husband can still pull out stuck calves in his mid-60’s and will be able to do that, and more, probably throughout his 70’s. I, on the other hand, am spent. Hell, I never did have the strength to pull a calf out of its mother.

Don’t get me started on all the other shit he does in the machine shed - rebuilding engines etc.

Most men are still farming in their later years, but never the women.

Sounds like this lad will have a lucky escape!