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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be on DD's boyfriend's side?

101 replies

AshleighPope · 16/10/2017 00:32

DD is 17. We (our household) would all say that we were feminists.

DD has had her boyfriend over for the weekend. DD is having some new units put up and she was carrying some wood up the stairs, with DH following and her boyfriend did turn around and say to DH "why are you getting her to carry it, I'll carry it (DD's name)?" and she went rather ballistic, saying that she thought he wasn't like that. As I said before, I absolutely do see where she is coming from, but he was looking out for her. He seemed really sad and went home Sad

I actually can't stop thinking about it, he's just a young lad. I have a son too and wouldn't think he was going against anything he has been taught, if he offered to do it for his girlfriend.

AIBU to feel a bit sad for him?

OP posts:
LadyNutmeg · 16/10/2017 11:17

Based on the op, I think YABU to side with the boyfriend. Why didn't he just say "can I help?" instead of telling his gf's dad that his DD shouldn't be carrying the wood (which she was clearly capable of carrying, as she already was). It would annoy me too. Maybe the DD overreacted and could have responded more calmly though. I still would have said something, just not gone "ballistic".

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 16/10/2017 11:17

Where does it say he has form? Am I missing something or is that just a huge assumption on your part?
Not an assumption at all, a possible speculation on my part which may explain the apparent over-reaction, as it reads. I don't know whether he has form or not.

MillicentFawcett · 16/10/2017 11:17

It's not about carrying wood. It's about him assuming it was down to the dad that she was carrying the wood, that she didn't have any input into it and that this was something that was to be discussed by men.

Of course women can carry wood. The boyfriend could have just helped carry some bits too if he wasn't being a prannet.

corythatwas · 16/10/2017 11:19

"Young girl was carrying some heavy stuff. Young, chivalrous, man offered to carry said heavy stuff (as we all know, unless young lady in question lifts weights, young men find such tasks easier so it is only polite that he offered to help)."

No, he didn't. His first reaction was to give her father a telling off. Rude and inappropriate. He made assumptions about her instead of asking her what she thought was the best solution.

I don't want a man who makes decisions over my head based on general statistics about what most women are like. I want a man who asks me what works best for me. And preferably one that credits my parents with some kind of intelligence too. Swanning into another family at 17 and thinking you know it all wouldn't have gone down well with me.

I probably wouldn't have shouted. But I would have had quiet words.

PerfectPenquins · 16/10/2017 11:26

There was no need for her to go ballistic at all just say firmly she's happy carrying it and it's not an issue. She was nasty to him trying to do 'the right thing' it's hard to navigate and they are young. She dosnt go ballistic at him a lot does she? She dosnt sound very nice to be honest he was still helping her with the units I'm not surprised he left after that.

monkeywithacowface · 16/10/2017 11:34

I can get where she is coming from. He discussed her with her dad like she wasn't in the room and the told her he would carry it.

A simple "do you want any help" would have been fine but he was giving it charlie big potatoes by having a dig at your DH.

ShoesHaveSouls · 16/10/2017 11:38

I'd go pretty ballistic if my partner had told my father I couldn't carry some wood up the stairs.

Original poster
AshleighPope · 16/10/2017 11:46

I must admit DH was taken a bit by surprise with the "why are you letting her do that?" and I think DD wasn't happy about the way that looked either.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/10/2017 11:46

If he had said
"Do you need a hand with that?" addressed it to HER, not berated her father, and been prepared to accept "No, I am fine" as an answer all is well

However that is not how it went down. He spoke to her Father a) rudely and b) as if she wasn't there and c) as if she didn't have any input

This.

OP, you need to clarify what you meant by ballistic.

And if she did, it would make me think that he does have form for such patronizing comments.

TurquoiseChevrotain · 16/10/2017 11:51

I think people are missing the point. On average, men are also taller. However, if I'm tall enough to reach something, I'll reach it, does that make it clearer? If I can't, I'll go and find a taller person (wether man or woman - usually man) or if they see I can't reach, they'll usually ask if I need some help - that's called having manners and being nice. It's exactly the same. If I'm strong enough to carry something, I'll carry it. If I can't, I'll go and find someone stronger. If someone sees me struggling, an offer to help is nice and polite - but I'd expect that from a man or women. Do you not see the difference?

If the situation was - DD was struggling, he offered to help, that's polite. Asking her dad (another male) why he has let the female do a task she is capable at, is just rude. Again, if the DD had just put something on the top shelf (assuming the boy is taller) do you really think he'd have offered to put it on there? Should all tall men do stuff that requires you to stretch your arms a bit? No. Just like not all strong men should do stuff that requires a bit of strength. It's just ridiculous.

LewisThere · 16/10/2017 11:56

It's being against feminism to actually ask or accept help.
There is nothing wrong about it.

A much nicer answer would have been 'no that's ok, thanks you'. Or even 'thanks for wanting to participate and support me' (NOT help me which has a very different meaning).

I am a feminist. I also have gone down the route of 'I cando it all myself, I'm sting enough, able enough etc...'.
Ive learnt it doesn't work.
Because we are all interconnected. If she is getting angry and his proposal for help, what is she going to do when HE will ask for help? Tell him that he should be getting in with it because she isn't his skivvy?

She will have to learn to balance her birthright of being equal with the equal birthright of being able to help and receiving help.
Because there is no way she will go through life wo receiving help and that means receiving help from men too.
Just there she has taken away something very important from her bf (the pleasure you get from helping) and she has denied herself the pleasure of being supported.

Fwiw, I think that what is important in any action like this is not the ACTION but the INTENTION.
If he is asking if she needs help because he wants to help, then I think it's appropriate. If he is doing so because he doesn't think she is able to do it, too 'weak' not good at DIY etc... then it's another issue.
She could have made that moment an important one but standing up to her beliefs whilst at th same time avoid putting him down.

Original poster
AshleighPope · 16/10/2017 11:57

By ballistic I mean "are you serious? He's left me to do it because he knows I can do it, so why should he do it? I don't need you to lift it. My dad clearly knows me better than you. I didn't think you were like this." He then left.

In all fairness I'm seeing people's points so I see where that thin line is. DD wasn't struggling, if she was, maybe her reply would have been very different if he had said would you like some help.

Why do people thing she is a "silly little girl" though? I don't know many young girls who'd say the same, they all seem to do anything to please their boyfriends so they stay with them, so I don't see it as a trait regularly associated with 'little' girls. Although at 17, is she really a little girl? Confused

OP posts:
LewisThere · 16/10/2017 11:57

If he said the exact words 'why are you letting her do that?' The your dd was totally right!

LewisThere · 16/10/2017 11:59

Xpost.
Her answer was fine IMO.
He assumed that she was too 'weak' to carry a 'heavy' item which was a stupid assumption.

ShoesHaveSouls · 16/10/2017 12:01

No, she isn't a silly little girl.

Original poster
AshleighPope · 16/10/2017 12:02

Lewis yes in all fairness it was more so that than an offer to help. They do regularly help each other "do you want me to hold your bag while I go to the loo" "do you want me to take that shopping bag as you have your coat to take as well" are 2 that I have heard between them, so they are usually okay. I'm not there all the time though, heck I'm not there for even 10% of it.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 16/10/2017 12:03

She could have got her point over without making her ?ex boyfriend feel so bad. He very clearly meant well even if he got it wrong.

He made a mistake, albeit with the intention of being helpful, she responded by humiliating him. Does she have form for put downs?

Lweji · 16/10/2017 12:03

silly little girl

That was a silly comment.

Her reply is fine and I don't consider it ballistic.

He should have apologised and leave it at that rather than go home looking sad. It looks more like sulking.

Lweji · 16/10/2017 12:05

She didn't humiliate him. Not more than he humiliated her father and her, anyway.

LewisThere · 16/10/2017 12:08

One thing.
Nothing absolutely nothing is saying that your dd, as a woman?, should do her utmost to NOT hurt her bf
Sometimes, hearing a truth being told is hurtful. It doesn't mean that said truth has to be sugar coated and watered to avoid hurting people feelings.
It especially doesn't mean that it's essential that the OP's dd never says anything that could be hurtful to protect her bf feelings.
This guy DID hurt her feelings. And she told her truth.
The fact he is finding that hurtful is his problem, not hers because she no more intentionally trying to hurt him as he was....

LewisThere · 16/10/2017 12:09

If he was really sad, it more likely that, actually, he really does believe in all the sexist crap and therefore is feeling hurt that she didn't follow the script and make him look like the good guy btw.

StanleyJames · 16/10/2017 12:14

Boys that age definitely do it because most girls that age want a "gentleman". My daughter is also 17 and her male cousin is 16. She's a regional champion in a sport and is very strong, definitely stronger than her cousin. However, grandparents own a farm and grandfather often says when DD is pushing a full wheelbarrow or something "why have you got her to do it" which is clearly about the sexes. She's clearly much stronger than he is.

A lot of the boys do it at her college too.

Minxmumma · 16/10/2017 12:19

Is it possible that his approach was all wrong but his intentions were good? They are still fairly young and brain to mouth doesn't always work well on either side.

My middle daughter is a mechanic - she works surrounded by men and they rarely intervene when in 'work mode' Tbh she can be quite savage if she she is being little womaned.

However that is at work, everywhere else it is a fair balance. While she is more than capable of holding her own she doesn't make a drama over someone attempting to do the gentemanly thing (even if they do it badly)

DiegoMadonna · 16/10/2017 12:22

I don't think there's anything wrong with offering to carry something for somebody weaker than you rather than standing around and watching. That's just good manners.

The way he said it was pretty rude though.

TurquoiseChevrotain · 16/10/2017 12:24

@Minxmumma the gentlemanly thing is the issue. Why do they need to be a gentleman? They wouldn't do it to other males.

@DiegoMadonna I haven't read anywhere that the DD was struggling, actually... I've read the opposite. Also, how do you know he is stronger? As a PP has said, her DD does lots of sport and is stronger than the 16 year old boy. It happens quite a lot. I'm 18 - black belt in kick boxing, I'm strong! Stronger than a good few of the boys my age.

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