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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be on DD's boyfriend's side?

101 replies

AshleighPope · 16/10/2017 00:32

DD is 17. We (our household) would all say that we were feminists.

DD has had her boyfriend over for the weekend. DD is having some new units put up and she was carrying some wood up the stairs, with DH following and her boyfriend did turn around and say to DH "why are you getting her to carry it, I'll carry it (DD's name)?" and she went rather ballistic, saying that she thought he wasn't like that. As I said before, I absolutely do see where she is coming from, but he was looking out for her. He seemed really sad and went home Sad

I actually can't stop thinking about it, he's just a young lad. I have a son too and wouldn't think he was going against anything he has been taught, if he offered to do it for his girlfriend.

AIBU to feel a bit sad for him?

OP posts:
TurquoiseChevrotain · 16/10/2017 12:25

And it's fine if they would have done the same for their male friend doing the same thing.

DixieFlatline · 16/10/2017 12:26

You should absolutely encourage your DD in noticing red flags and stamping out this kind of ridiculous misogynistic behaviour. A pointed show of man-to-man territory marking and boundary testing was about right, whoever mentioned that, whether this was entirely conscious on the boy's part or not.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 16/10/2017 12:28

I would have been livid at my BF addressing my father like that and that's where I would have taken issue. But then I would not have carried the wood if there was an able bodied young man to do it instead- and he seemed happy to do so. Why exert myself if someone bigger and mstronger wants to do it for me?

JemimaLovesHamble · 16/10/2017 12:30

It was just a spat. You don't need to be "on his side".

It sounds like she went slightly OTT, but she is an imperfect human like the rest of us, and was possibly having a bad day? Or maybe there have been other things you haven't heard/seen and she's getting tired of him?

TurquoiseChevrotain · 16/10/2017 12:30

@DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops say over maternity leave you learnt more about your baby's routine, would you not bother making the dad do some of the routine because you know it better?

TurquoiseChevrotain · 16/10/2017 12:31

Nappy changing is a big one. Men claim they don't know how to do it as well and over maternity leave I suppose women may change more nappies? It doesn't mean a man shouldn't do it Hmm they'd soon learn

TurquoiseChevrotain · 16/10/2017 12:32

And there's always going to be someone stronger than us, more intelligent, etc. doesn't mean we shouldn't do those things. Imagine if they had that mindset at school? Only the clever kids can do maths club. Only the sporty kids can do PE.

whatathingtosay · 16/10/2017 12:38

She was clearly managing, and she wanted to do this physical task herself. Good on her. You should be cheering on her strength, not bloody teaching her that she's a weak woman who needs a man's help. Not good parenting, OP.

I get sick of the way women think they can't lift anything heavier than a coat without strain. Actually, most of us are really fucking strong. DH is stronger than me, but in practical terms there is very, very little I need his help with in terms of carrying - I can lift one of the really huge 125 litre bags of compost unassisted and it would be a very rare occasion that I needed to heft a greater load than that. A lot of it is just getting accustomed to dealing with weight.

LongWavyHair · 16/10/2017 12:40

I think he was rude to her dad and quite disrespectful if I'm honest. If he thought she needed help then he should have just offered himself.
But, to be honest, women are capable of physical work such as carrying things and surprise surprise their arms don't just fall off. Her dad can see that and if he genuinely thought she was struggling I doubt he would have just left her to it. It's quite irritating that people still think women aren't capable and instantly need help.

diddl · 16/10/2017 12:45

"are you serious? He's left me to do it because he knows I can do it, so why should he do it? I don't need you to lift it. My dad clearly knows me better than you. I didn't think you were like this."

Good for her!

Maybe the last 2 sentences were unnecessary, idk.

So did he just walk out?

BowiesJumper · 16/10/2017 12:52

I think I would be annoyed in her place too - why was he talking about her as if she wasn't there? If he'd said "do you need some help?" it would be an entirely different scenario. Maybe she overacted, but good on her for telling him off.

TurquoiseChevrotain · 16/10/2017 12:53

The thing is, we'd go back in time if we kept to the, men are statistically more likely to be stronger, so we might as well let them do the heavy stuff. Where would that stop? The police force, the army, shop assistant, etc.? They all have a test you have to pass, many women pass that, they aren't after the strongest people.

RhiWrites · 16/10/2017 13:12

I'm impressed by OP's daughter. She's trying to take a stand. The people on this thread saying "men are stronger, women can't be farmers" are less impressive. I don't want to live in the 1950s even if you do.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 16/10/2017 15:48

@TurquoiseChevrotian, I see your points and have considered them. I actually do a physical job, which is one of the reasons my BF does lift/heave for me when he can, so I have a break. We are both dyspraxic and have to ask for help with some things and thus also respect when the other says they can and will do a job on their own.

I do completely get your point wrt to child care; I had one or both parents at home all the time all of my life so have never considered it; they did share my care. Although if I had a clingy baby would I not be stuck to an extent anyway?

Wrt to your points on competition at school, I used to resent when art comps etc were compulsory; I would always try my best but I would rather have put the time towards something I was good at; my participation never impacted a result. It was a waste of my time but I always took the task seriously. I fail to see how getting someone bigger, stronger and willing to do a job I could do, but not as easily or willingly, will condemn me to a life of shitty nappies. In return, I do things for him that am better at. These include driving and some diy so we're not entirely stereotypical I deploy my staff at work according to their strengths, so I don't so jobs I'm bad at if I have someone who will so it betterwhy not my partner?

PandorasXbox · 16/10/2017 15:51

Men can’t do right for doing wrong.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 16/10/2017 15:52

Trying to make a stand, Rhi? She sounds like a little madam to me. No need for all the drama at all, points can be made without soapbox screeching.

InspMorse · 16/10/2017 15:58

Wow! Poor lad.
FWIW, DH often carries and lifts stuff for me because he's far stronger than me. There's nothing wrong with that. Simple fact.
Your DD needs to brush that chip off her shoulder.
He meant well & she could have laughed it off by saying something like 'Don't be cheeky! I'm doing fine thanks!!'
Good on him for leaving.

PerfectPenquins · 16/10/2017 16:27

Not all teen girls do anything to keep their BF op so no your daughter is certainly not special in that way!

faithinthesound · 16/10/2017 18:38

I mean, no, he didn't get it right.

However, he's a baby, in the scheme of things. He's seventeen (or thereabouts). I have known boys that age. That he thought to ask at all is pretty monumental. His phrasing upset your daughter, and if you sit there and pick it apart (he asked your daughter's "owner" instead of her, he didn't offer he questioned your DH's treatment of her, etc) of course he doesn't come off particularly well.

But in terms of anti-feminist sentiment, there are so, so many more worse ways this could have transpired. He could have stood at the bottom of the stairs and laughed at your DD, elbowing your DH to get him to laugh with him, saying something like "ahaha look at her waddle" (I'm sure she doesn't, but boys can be stupid in their humor). He could have ignored the situation altogether and lazed on the couch and asked for a cup of tea (despite plainly seeing the others working away at the unit building).

What actually happened was, his teenage, rudimentary, best-behavior inner monologue likely said something like "WORK BEING DONE. CHANCE TO HELP" and his mouth engaged before his brain caught up. Or, maybe he just hasn't yet been educated in the nuances of benign misogyny.

Your daughter rowing him over it isn't going to teach him. It's far more likely to have the opposite effect: they'll break up because he doesn't like being shouted at for what he thought was being nice (and why should he?) and he'll be back in the dating pool of teenagers with some less than flattering opinions about self-identified feminists. And we have enough men in this world with less than flattering opinions about self-identified feminists.

I'd suggest that you suggest that she calls him up, apologizes for going off on one, and has a calm and reasoned conversation about why she was upset. You can stress that it's okay that she was annoyed, and that she's allowed to feel how she feels, but that she has a choice about what comes out of her mouth and she's likely to catch more flies with honey, etcetera. This is not about "the crazy woman pandering to the clueless man", it's about "the ultimately correct but unfortunately volatile girl apologizing to the ultimately wrong but unfortunately offensive boy".

MrsDustyBusty · 16/10/2017 18:47

OP, I hope your daughter has more about her than to take the advice above. She's not put on this earth to educate any young man.

I'm glad she's not censoring herself to flatter anyone's ego. Why should she?

MrsMcGarry · 16/10/2017 19:15

So its wrong for a woman to assertively object to unconscious misogyny, but ok for a man to sulk off when called out on it? and we wonder why we haven't overthrown the patriarchy yet

Fekko · 16/10/2017 19:18

Why did it need to be a spat though? 'Nah it's fine, this wee girly is perfectly fine carrying this but you can go and put the kettle on'.

MrsPestilence · 16/10/2017 19:42

MrsM we are not going to overthrow the patriarchy, it is being supported by the majority of women.
Pope well done for raising a fine young woman. However, she will find attitudes like her boyfriends everywhere. Especially from women as this thread shows. Life will be much easier for her if she does not worry her little head about carrying things, heaven forbid she then builds the units herself.

Fekko · 16/10/2017 19:46

It's me who does all the diy and pluming around here (not electrics - wouldn't tough that with a barge pole). And the finances. Won't do laundry though.

I'm confident enough not to go about raging at men (unless they are being particularly pricking) if they act all caveman.

In my youth (I'm getting on) if a man swore in front of a woman often they'd apologise 'sorry about that, hen' to which I'd reply 'Why, what the fuck have you done?'

Lweji · 17/10/2017 08:13

However, he's a baby, in the scheme of things.
No, he isn't. He's a young man.

He's seventeen (or thereabouts). I have known boys that age.
One or two?

That he thought to ask at all is pretty monumental.
No, it's not. It's basic manners.
Also, he didn't "ask".

His phrasing upset your daughter, and if you sit there and pick it apart (he asked your daughter's "owner" instead of her, he didn't offer he questioned your DH's treatment of her, etc) of course he doesn't come off particularly well.
No, he doesn't. But I also don't remember anyone mentioning "owner".

But in terms of anti-feminist sentiment, there are so, so many more worse ways this could have transpired.
There are always worse ways, it doesn't mean we shouldn't challenge the less serious. The little things lead to the big ones.

And why should she go and apologise when he didn't for how he spoke? It works both ways.
Why is he such a great commodity? Just because he didn't laze about on the sofa? That's bottom levelling.
He may well lose a fantastic girl over his stupid comment and the sulking, though.

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