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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son has no respect for his stepdad

98 replies

CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 19:55

My son is 16 and he has always be tricky towards dh, he has done some horrible things to him he has told teachers at school that dh racially abuses him (dss father is from Morocco) and he later admitted to making it up and it was horrible because I had a phone call from the school but that was about a year ago.

We went away at Easter to a big villa with a lot of dh family and he was incredible rude to dh in front of them and ended up having and dh snapped at him and he had to send him to his room. He almost tried to wind dh up and will try and try to make him snap.
It's got to the point when I felt so embarrassed and i feel responsible. He would never be rude to me and has a lot of respect for me. I am I love with dh and have a child with him. We have been married for 5 years and he has done so much for me and my son and is so generous to him but it's got
to the point that dh says he doesn't want ds around anymore.

Ds father is no longer with us and so dh has been a full time dad he has always treated them equally.

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 29/05/2017 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntigoneJones · 29/05/2017 19:59

" dh says he doesn't want ds around anymore. "

will he say the same when his 'real' child plays up in the future? I doubt it.

LadyWhoLikesLunch · 29/05/2017 20:00

Maybe speak to your ds and try and find out what his issues with you dh are. It could be something as simple as he feels guilty having another father figure in his life when he's lost his own father. He may just need to talk through some things to get his head round it.

Patriciathestripper1 · 29/05/2017 20:01

Oh I feel for all of you. It's not nice being stuck in the middle.
I would suggest family counselling to get to the root of the problem. It's horrible being resented when your Dh sounds like he is doing his best.

caffeinestream · 29/05/2017 20:02

Would your DH go to family counselling?

MatildaTheCat · 29/05/2017 20:04

Adolescent is hard at the best of times and what you are describing is so common. You will get some nasty responses on here so maybe repost on the step parenting board?

DS does need some boundaries setting and DH does have to be the adult. Ds must feel very second best to the child you have together and being rude and mouthy in front of family is him trying, very immaturely, to assert himself ( like the stags who bellow in the rutting season to assert themselves as top stag).

Would you consider family therapy? No matter how unlikeable ds is making himself the bottom line is that he is unhappy. Somehow you have several years to negotiate so getting help seems sensible.

ballerinabelle · 29/05/2017 20:04

I feel for you. I'm not surprised your DH is at the end of his tether. Your son sounds vile.

SofiaAmes · 29/05/2017 20:06

Of course he will be the same with his own dc. Teenagers are generally pretty awful and no one wants them around much of the time. I feel sorry for both you and your dh (and your ds who is probably struggling with life in general).

supermoon100 · 29/05/2017 20:07

I'm not sure I would have got together with a man my kid disliked so much. I would have put dcs feelings first.

RebootYourEngine · 29/05/2017 20:07

You need to speak to your ds and ask him why he treats your dh like that. Has he always been like that towards your dh or is it something that has developed over the years?

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 20:14

what does your husband propose be done with your 16 yr old child that he doesnt want around any more?

He doesn't propose anything just that he doesn't like him anymore.

Family counselling would be good but I'd doubt I'd get ds to attend and it's only their relationship that's problematic..

OP posts:
LadyWhoLikesLunch · 29/05/2017 20:16

I feel for you op and I daresay my step mum had similar feelings about me between the ages of 12-17

MissionItsPossible · 29/05/2017 20:18

Bit fucking harsh Belle her son does not sound vile at all.

Coffee does your son have a hobby or something that he likes doing that your partner could join in or at least have to drop him there and pick him up? That way they can both enjoy and he will also have to keep his behaviour in check or risk losing the chance to go

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/05/2017 20:19

Family counselling would be good but I'd doubt I'd get ds to attend and it's only their relationship that's problematic

What does that mean OP ? As it
Sounds like rather complex situation

Trifleorbust · 29/05/2017 20:19

Your DS is acting out and your DH is getting the brunt of it, but he is only 16 years old. He will grow out of it. He can't choose not to have him around anymore.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 29/05/2017 20:24

This sounds tough for you, op.

I think you just need to hold firm - 16 is a tricky age where kids are navigating a lot of tough things. It might be that he feels he can kick out at your DH in safety.

Is his Dad dead? Would counselling help him explore his feelings further? Could he be feeling uncomfortable/guilty having a nice life with you and DH? I would try to spend time with him (I know that's hard - its a cliche but car journeys can work well) and to get him to talk.

RB68 · 29/05/2017 20:26

Not being funny but what are YOU doing to address this - sounds like you are just watching from the sidelines. His behaviour needs consequences that are backed up by both of you. This kind of nastiness is not acceptable behaviour in someone who is nigh on an adult hormones or not

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 20:33

Ds father has passed away, he passed away two years after I separated from him.

Ds hobby is football and he plays in a team along with dh son so dh already takes them.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 29/05/2017 20:34

How old was he when his father died? How long have you been with DH?

This sounds so sad.

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 20:38

What I mean by that is that ds can get along with dh dc and that has rarely been an issue it is just dh that there are problems. I have not sat and watched Ds faces consequences for his behaviour I have asked him and he just said because he annoys me.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 29/05/2017 20:40

Does your son know that his stepfather dislikes him and wishes he wasn't there?

Capattack · 29/05/2017 20:41

How long has your DH been in DS's life?
Because you can't really expect DS to have the same respect for a stepparent as an actual parent. He didn't choose to have DH in his life. Why are you not disciplining him instead of making DH the bad guy?

But I think this may have more to do with missing his father. 16 is a very difficult age, and he might miss that father/son bond in helping him grow to adulthood.

PeaFaceMcgee · 29/05/2017 20:42

Do you and your DH have a respectful, equal, happy relationship?

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 20:43

He was 7 when his father died, I have been with dh since he was 11. So I've been with dh for five years.

OP posts:
Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 20:44

Do you and your DH have a respectful, equal, happy relationship?

Yes absolutely

OP posts: