My son has no respect for his stepdad

[CupOfCoffee1967]

My son is 16 and he has always be tricky towards dh, he has done some horrible things to him he has told teachers at school that dh racially abuses him (dss father is from Morocco) and he later admitted to making it up and it was horrible because I had a phone call from the school but that was about a year ago.

We went away at Easter to a big villa with a lot of dh family and he was incredible rude to dh in front of them and ended up having and dh snapped at him and he had to send him to his room. He almost tried to wind dh up and will try and try to make him snap.
It's got to the point when I felt so embarrassed and i feel responsible. He would never be rude to me and has a lot of respect for me. I am I love with dh and have a child with him. We have been married for 5 years and he has done so much for me and my son and is so generous to him but it's got
to the point that dh says he doesn't want ds around anymore.

Ds father is no longer with us and so dh has been a full time dad he has always treated them equally.

Does your son know that his stepfather dislikes him and wishes he wasn't there?

No, but dh does sometimes get angry back at ds.

boys are like that with their actual dads at 16 they are little shits. Luckily they grow out of it - it's just a matter of waiting. Although it could be some time.

It's the alpha male routine. I have three sons and watch them all challenge as they find their place in the family.
I just keep things quiet, divert if I think there is going to be a 'blow up', change the subject and do the majority of the 'parenting'. I don't live with my long term partner though as I knew this would/ might be an issue.
I am not saying it's the right way. It just works for me.
Sulky teenagers are a pain. He needs to be the adult here- calm and reinforce the boundaries.

Does your son know that his stepfather dislikes him and wishes he wasn't there?

I think that's a really unfair thing to say or at least pick a point about. I think it's probably been said out of upset and frustration by the DH. It's tough being a step parent. It's equally as thought being a teen. Add to that that the DS has lost his dad and it makes for a very sad situation indeed.

OP, do you think your son wants to have a good relationship with his step-dad? As in, do you think it's something he would be willing to work on if he knows your DH is prepared to give the same? Or has he written off the relationship? Has it been good in the past?

boys are like that with their actual dads at 16 they are little shits. Luckily they grow out of it - it's just a matter of waiting. Although it could be some time.

But dh son is not like that to his dad.

You say this man has raised your son, done lots for him, generous etc etc and your son is disrespectful, tells lies about him and is rude to him (or anyone else for that matter) ??

Take the bull by the horns and YOU discipline YOUR son. Don't leave it up to your husband !

The poor bloke is probably at the end of his tether.

Take the bull by the horns and YOU discipline YOUR son. Don't leave it up to your husband

I do discipline my son.

I think that's a really unfair thing to say or at least pick a point about. I think it's probably been said out of upset and frustration by the DH. It's tough being a step parent. It's equally as thought being a teen. Add to that that the DS has lost his dad and it makes for a very sad situation indeed.

It is unfair dh never meant that he wanted to send ds off somewhere or leave him on the street just that he no longer enjoyed his company.

Maybe you are blinkered and believe he treats them exactly the same but it takes a very rare person to treat another persons child exactly the same as their own. It's highly unlikely your son doesn't know his step dad dislikes him and wishes he wasn't there.

You need to decide now if your son comes first or your husband. There should be no contest and the child should always come first.

Maybe you are blinkered and believe he treats them exactly the same but it takes a very rare person to treat another persons child exactly the same as their own. It's highly unlikely your son doesn't know his step dad dislikes him and wishes he wasn't there.

You need to decide now if your son comes first or your husband. There should be no contest and the child should always come first.

Dh has always included ds and has always done things and treated him equally.

Dh dislike of ds is down mainly
toDs behaviour.

I think there is a complete lack of understanding for what your DS has been through.
His dad died when he was only 7. A few years later a new step-dad comes into his life. That would have significantly changed the relationship he had with you. Along comes another child to further push him out of the picture.
Your DS is testing his place in the family - is he important? Does he matter to you? Will you choose him over your DH? Do you love him less now that you have a new family? It might feel hugely disloyal to the memory of his real dad for him to have developed a relationship with his SD.
I don't think you have given your son the time and consideration he needed top cope with all of this. Yes you can punish him for his disrespect but that will not build the relationship, it will further damage it.

mission what part of falsely accusing someone of making racist statements to you isn't vile?

You can play the "oh he's a teenager card" but at the end of the day he's old enough to realise what's he's done and how he's behaving is atrocious.

I'm sorry but if I were your DH id be furious. I don't know what the solution is to be honest because it sounds like reprimands probably won't work.

Has your son always disliked him?

FWIW, it sounds to me like your son feels like he's been replaced. You're remarried, have a new kid and you holiday with your new husband's family. He's an 'outsider' and he can't get 'in'.

Have you asked him what would make him happy? Why he's so sad and badly behaved? You say the two of you have a great relationship so he can't be unreasonable all the time. How much time do you two spend together alone?

He sounds disconnected and sad. I feel for him.

I understand that his father has passed away and obviously that is very sad but it does not give you carte Blanche to act like a horror.

He will grow out of it. Adolescents do stupid things because their brains are still maturing at least until age 25. It must be very hard to have lost his Dad, sounds like he is just lashing out, dealing with his grief and anger, and your dh is getting the brunt of it. Ideally you love children unconditionally and let them make mistakes, perhaps this is harder for step parents, but I think it is part of the job. On the other hand, Ds should learn to be civil and he will.
Try to be patient and get some counselling for both of them if you can, before it gets any worse. Has your ds had berevement counselling?
(Also don't expect too much at family gatherings, I find these particularly difficult because I lost my mum too soon, and such events always remind me what I have missed. Let him stay at home next time, or play on computer in another room.)

Has your son always disliked him?

No he hasn't, he used to get on with dh when he was younger. I had really been the last two years.

Have you asked him what would make him happy? Why he's so sad and badly behaved?

I have and he says that he hates dh and that he annoys him. I said would you like for me to leave dh he said yes.

You say the two of you have a great relationship so he can't be unreasonable all the time. How much time do you two spend together alone?

No around me he is delightful young man, he occasionally can have problems but he gets on with dh son as well.

We do have a lot of time together and it will mainly be me or ds or me ds and half brother, we go out together a lot.

I would never ask ds that question- it shouldn't even be on the radar.

I would work on your and his relationship - a happier boy will mean a happier family. Don't leave it to dh- yes he must feel super ducked off and deeply hurt about what he said. Build on the good stuff- ds is doing sports- that's good- doing his school work? Etc, try not to turn him into the difficult one (I know it's hard)

I would never ask ds that question- it shouldn't even be on the radar.

No he sort of pointed to that so I asked him. The trouble is he doesn't acceapt his half brother as his brother. When I say your brother to him he will say he isn't his brother. So I think he doesn't want to acceapt that things have changed as well, because it was just me and him for so long.

I do sympathise - (My 16 yr old ds has a stepdad, but oddly it's his dad who is taking most of the brunt of his git- like behaviour).
If you feel there are no other issues- I dunno, weed, depression, bullying etc, then I think it's just a case of staying firm and loving and biding your time. Chose your battles- as long as he's kind to his brother, don't worry about the labels. I would also let your dh take the parenting back seat at the mo.

Have you written on here about him before?

yes she has, I remember.

Trying to work this out...

Your son is mixed race/culture. You and his father separated when he was 5, then his father died when he was 7. Then it was him and you, together, alone against the world, until you married your DH, and had another child.

Does your son still have a relationship with other relatives on his dad's side? And thus access to that side of his heritage? Just I'm wondering whether he's not just feeling the adolescent existential angst one would expect from the life events he has experienced, but also a heightened sense of uncertainty about his identity? It can sometimes be especially difficult for the only mixed child within a family, if idiots external to the family keep drawing attention to them "not fitting in".

You mentioned a holiday for you all with his stepdad's family. Would there be any chance for a holiday with your son's dad's family?

Apologies, of course, if you've already done all that!

I have and he says that he hates dh and that he annoys him. I said would you like for me to leave dh he said yes.
So you married this man when your DS was still grieving and wasn't ready for you to move on. He wasn't ready to replace his dad.
I'm surprised you have got this far without things falling apart.
This new family has been forced on your DS and he has never wanted it or felt any part of it.

Your son is mixed race/culture. You and his father separated when he was 5, then his father died when he was 7. Then it was him and you, together, alone against the world, until you married your DH, and had another child.

Yes that's right.

Does your son still have a relationship with other relatives on his dad's side? And thus access to that side of his heritage? Just I'm wondering whether he's not just feeling the adolescent existential angst one would expect from the life events he has experienced, but also a heightened sense of uncertainty about his identity? It can sometimes be especially difficult for the only mixed child within a family, if idiots external to the family keep drawing attention to them "not fitting in".

Yes his auntie is in the Uk and she comes to visit fairly regularly, grandparents are not in the Uk, they are in Morroco. I have been to morroco a number of times with him.

Tbh I don't think most people In dh family really are that bothered by his race and it isn't talked about really. The only thing I can think about is that sometime people we don't know will assume that dh, dss and me are a family and that ds wasn't because we are all white and ds is mixed. I think this happened once but I'm not sure where exactly.