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AIBU?

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Original poster

My son has no respect for his stepdad

98 replies

CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 19:55

My son is 16 and he has always be tricky towards dh, he has done some horrible things to him he has told teachers at school that dh racially abuses him (dss father is from Morocco) and he later admitted to making it up and it was horrible because I had a phone call from the school but that was about a year ago.

We went away at Easter to a big villa with a lot of dh family and he was incredible rude to dh in front of them and ended up having and dh snapped at him and he had to send him to his room. He almost tried to wind dh up and will try and try to make him snap.
It's got to the point when I felt so embarrassed and i feel responsible. He would never be rude to me and has a lot of respect for me. I am I love with dh and have a child with him. We have been married for 5 years and he has done so much for me and my son and is so generous to him but it's got
to the point that dh says he doesn't want ds around anymore.

Ds father is no longer with us and so dh has been a full time dad he has always treated them equally.

OP posts:
AntigoneJones · 29/05/2017 22:17

it must be hard for him , being the only one in the family who looks different mustn't it?

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:19

So you married this man when your DS was still grieving and wasn't ready for you to move on. He wasn't ready to replace his dad.

That's just not fair, I've never not has dh tried to replace ds father. So much so that dh makes sure photos are up of the three of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:21

it must be hard for him , being the only one in the family who looks different mustn't it?

Yes I do acceapt that would be something that makes him stand out in our family.

OP posts:
MissShittyBennet · 29/05/2017 22:22

Your DH would have to be one helluva fantastic actor for DS not to pick up on how he's feeling. Also I'm sorry but wtf did either you or DH think you were doing getting married when your DS clearly didn't like him? I mean how did you think that was going to work out? I sympathise with all three of you in this situation, but there are two of you who had a choice about it.

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:25

when your DS clearly didn't like him?

It wasn't always like this. When we married I made sure we took things slow and that ds was happy.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 29/05/2017 22:26

Honestly, did the relationship start to noticeably disintegrate after you had a child with your husband? As another poster pointed out, sounds like you were your own little family unit for most of his life, then in a short space of time his whole idea of family has been turned on its head.

It seems he absolutely is crossing the line, but being a teenager is difficult at the best of times, it reads like he doesn't know his place in this unit and is acting out against the one he feels isn't part of his actual family. He's probably feeling the sting of not having his biological dad around more now, especially since his step-dad has his own child. Not excusing his behaviour, but I think he needs some sensitivity and understanding from both of you. Your husband needs to be stronger and never let on that 'he doesn't want him around anymore'. That's not his choice, and I highly doubt he'd feel that way about his own child when they were being difficult.

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:29

Oh and I don't doubt that ds knows that dh doesn't like him. But I also think If you make up to school teachers that your stepdad is racially abusing and then admit you made it up, that's not a way to get people to like you. Along with everything else is it a surprise. Dh will say to me and to him there are times when you are a lovely young man and there are times when I don't like how you act.

OP posts:
crazykitten20 · 29/05/2017 22:35

Maybe there is something which your son can't tell you ( or feels he can't tell you) about his step dad.

It seems to me that you are siding with the step dad against your son.

That seems wrong to me ( just my take on it) and you may very well not have the whole story.

honeylulu · 29/05/2017 22:35

Just trying to get the family facts straight. Does your husband have a son from a previous relationship too (or just the son you have together who is agreed under 5)?
You've referred to "dh son" and "dss" and I'm not sure if this is your joint child or another one?

MissShittyBennet · 29/05/2017 22:35

That was in response to you saying earlier that DS doesn't know how DH feels about him OP. There's no way that's true.

honeylulu · 29/05/2017 22:36

Aged not agreed!

EdmundCleverClogs · 29/05/2017 22:36

But I also think If you make up to school teachers that your stepdad is racially abusing and then admit you made it up, that's not a way to get people to like you.

I don't think kids do things like that lightly. I think he was begging for attention, and went about it the wrong way. He's obviously had things playing on his mind long before he went that far, and possibly either felt he couldn't tell you or you wouldn't listen. Either way, I think that young boy has been hurting and worrying about things for a good while, instead of talking about 'not liking him/his actions' maybe try and get to the root of what's bothering him. I doubt that will be easy now though.

crazykitten20 · 29/05/2017 22:39

If my daughter suddenly decided that she didn't like someone and was very unpleasant to that person - I would be trying to find out why. Not blaming her but trying to sort out why. There is a reason. Imo.

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2017 22:40

'Annoys' is too vague a term.

What specifically does your son dislike or your DH do that upsets him so much?

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:41

Just trying to get the family facts straight. Does your husband have a son from a previous relationship too

Yes he has a son who is 17 they are in the same school year.

Basically I think ds senses that dh doesn't like him. Dh wouldn't say "I don't like you" it would be obvious from the fact that they clash together.

OP posts:
Capattack · 29/05/2017 22:41

You need to think about why he acts out - he is clearly very unhappy and I think he needs to know that you love your DH, and do not want to leave him, but your DS comes first.

I think his stepfather disliking him, and you siding with him on that just tells him that he isn't welcome in your new family.

But also, maybe accept that DS just doesn't like your DH. Keep them as much apart as possible, and tell your DH to not engage or attempt to parent him at all. It's a horrible situation but you need to preserve your relationship with both.

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:43

What specifically does your son dislike or your DH do that upsets him so much?

He thinks that dh is controlling of him and that dh bosses him around. This is in particular about schoolwork.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 29/05/2017 22:46

He thinks that dh is controlling of him and that dh bosses him around. This is in particular about schoolwork.

Well is he? Does your husband need to be involved in your son's education?

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2017 22:46

"I just keep things quiet, divert if I think there is going to be a 'blow up', change the subject and do the majority of the 'parenting'" Is that the model of relationships you want to show your sons?

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:47

*You need to think about why he acts out - he is clearly very unhappy and I think he needs to know that you love your DH, and do not want to leave him, but your DS comes first.

I think his stepfather disliking him, and you siding with him on that just tells him that he isn't welcome in your new family.

But also, maybe accept that DS just doesn't like your DH. Keep them as much apart as possible, and tell your DH to not engage or attempt to parent him at all. It's a horrible situation but you need to preserve your relationship with both.*

I get that but I honestly can't see other than regarding the loss of his father why he isn't happy.

I have told dh not to parent him.

OP posts:
MissShittyBennet · 29/05/2017 22:49

Has dh followed your instructions about not parenting?

Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:50

No I think with the education dh wants the dc to do well, I can see how it can be annoying.

Dh is also very funny on manners and he is different to me, I'm very liberal as a parent and I think dh is very traditional. Sometimes we have disagreements but he parents his son I do mine and the younger brother isn't at that age yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 22:52

Has dh followed your instructions about not parenting?

Previously we didn't do that and I would let him parent. He is particularly good at education, he really helped my son pass his maths GCSE and so I was more willing to let him oversee education.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 29/05/2017 22:52

No I think with the education dh wants the dc to do well, I can see how it can be annoying.

Annoying for your husband or son? What do you mean by 'traditional parenting'? Do you think perhaps your husband doesn't give your son enough space/possibly treats him younger than his age?

EdmundCleverClogs · 29/05/2017 22:57

Previously we didn't do that and I would let him parent.

Yeah, I think the issue is getting pretty clear here. Your son very likely doesn't appreciate a guy that's pretty much come late in his life trying to play dad, and you're minimising your husband's behaviour. I don't think your son wants to be parented him, I think he needs to step away. Your son is a near adult, and whilst I'm sure you expect him to do well in his education he's a bit old to be nagged at about it, especially by someone who isn't his parent.

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