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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My son has no respect for his stepdad

98 replies

CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 19:55

My son is 16 and he has always be tricky towards dh, he has done some horrible things to him he has told teachers at school that dh racially abuses him (dss father is from Morocco) and he later admitted to making it up and it was horrible because I had a phone call from the school but that was about a year ago.

We went away at Easter to a big villa with a lot of dh family and he was incredible rude to dh in front of them and ended up having and dh snapped at him and he had to send him to his room. He almost tried to wind dh up and will try and try to make him snap.
It's got to the point when I felt so embarrassed and i feel responsible. He would never be rude to me and has a lot of respect for me. I am I love with dh and have a child with him. We have been married for 5 years and he has done so much for me and my son and is so generous to him but it's got
to the point that dh says he doesn't want ds around anymore.

Ds father is no longer with us and so dh has been a full time dad he has always treated them equally.

OP posts:

lizzyj4 · 29/05/2017 23:01

Family counselling would be good but I'd doubt I'd get ds to attend and it's only their relationship that's problematic..

This is where you're going wrong. It's very much a family problem and you need to address it as such, rather than putting your son in the position of 'scapegoat'.

It would be helpful for someone who your son trusts, and who will listen to him without judgement, to speak to him about why he's struggling so much with your dh. You can't do it, first because you are too close, and second because you're conflicted and already embarrassed by his behaviour.

Teenagers are generally pretty awful and no one wants them around much of the time.

This sort of attitude really doesn't help. I've had 6 teenagers (2 still there), none of them have acted out, been even remotely awful, or made me wish they weren't around. And we're not unusual.

OP, your son is struggling - his behaviour is his way of telling you that he needs help, start from there.

Original poster

CupOfCoffee1967 · 29/05/2017 23:02

Do you think perhaps your husband doesn't give your son enough space/possibly treats him younger than his age?

Sometimes yes dh can be very funny and a bit conservative, for example he doesn't like the way ds does his hair.

Yeah, I think the issue is getting pretty clear here. Your son very likely doesn't appreciate a guy that's pretty much come late in his life trying to play dad, and you're minimising your husband's behaviour. I don't think your son wants to be parented him, I think he needs to step away. Your son is a near adult, and whilst I'm sure you expect him to do well in his education he's a bit old to be nagged at about it, especially by someone who isn't his parent.

I agree with this, however I think dh doesn't always deal with him in the best way he treats him like he does his son, but they are different.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2017 23:06

"Teenagers are generally pretty awful and no one wants them around much of the time."
That is such a hideous thing to say or even think.

Voice0fReason · 29/05/2017 23:20

That's just not fair, I've never not has dh tried to replace ds father. So much so that dh makes sure photos are up of the three of us.
It's not about you, it's about your son! Your DH has taken your son's dad's place. It's not fair on him, not you. He's even got a son the same age! Your son probably feels completely irrelevant in your new family.

Witchend · 29/05/2017 23:34

This sounds vaguely familiar. Hard done by step dad and "ungrateful" teenage son with some sort of culture clash.
Have you posted before?

Orangetoffee · 29/05/2017 23:43

Yes this does sound familiar. How is the relationship between the boys? I remember something about clashes with different friendship groups. And why has your DH a problem with his hair style?

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/05/2017 00:35

Your DH does indeed sound more annoying, controlling and interfering with every post. He's probably been bullying your son for years.

WellThisIsShit · 30/05/2017 00:59

The school accusation incident was over a year ago yet keeps being brought up to show how horrible your son is - it does rather feel like he's never going to be allowed to move on from this.

On the other hand it sounds like your husband gets to behave however he likes with no consequences.

One gets to be the scapegoat. One the paragon of virtue.

I think there's a lot more going on in your family dynamics than just this one isolated issue. And you've already touched on many areas that show all isn't rosy in other areas too.

However for some reason personal to you, you cant see it, which means issues will never get addressed, amd the status who will be maintained, and sadly, your son will continue to be deeply unhappy and pushed out of his family.

NoFucksImAQueen · 30/05/2017 01:05

Woah some posters are being fucking harsh on op about remarrying. She was single for 6 years and waited 4 after her Ds dad died before she began a relationship with her now dh.
I don't think a young child ever really stops grieving the loss of a parent. Should op never have remarried and stayed single for 10-15 years? It's not like she moved someone in immediately, I'd say several years is reasonable.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 30/05/2017 01:17

This sounds vaguely familiar. Hard done by step dad and "ungrateful" teenage son with some sort of culture clash.
Have you posted before?

If it is the same poster, yes at least twice and usually by the end of the thread most people are sympathising with the son. If it is the same poster there are fairly significant cultural differences between the OP and her husband but which OP has taken up to the exclusion of her son.

Lisa9819 · 30/05/2017 01:42

I think sounds like your son is going through a lot. He lost his dad and now has a new dad figure. It is unacceptable the way he is treating his step dad and I would highly suggest counseling. You are his mother, make it so that it is not an option. If he refuses then there will be consequences. He needs help If he is at the point at lying about his step-dad at school...

It's not your fault for living your life and getting remarried.. in a perfect utopia kids would get on and be great at dealing with this, but most are just not. You can't live for the approval of a child who is not even emotionally mature enough to make rational decisions for themselves let alone YOU. It sounds your DH has tried really really hard despite putting up with your son tearing him down... nobody would like that. I don't know why all these pps are acting like he is the bad guy for not liking the way his step son treats him?? Who would?!

Another thing I would work on is not having your DH do any of the parenting for him. He is at a stage where he wants to challenge his step dad, probably having that "he's not my real dad" mentality... (I went through this with my stepdad- it is a teen thing!). You as his mother need to be doing all the disciplining and parenting with him. DH definitely needs to take a backseat and just try to respectfully coexist until things get sorted and you can get some further instructions from counsellors. I wouldn't just make your DH and son go, but you go as well and have individual sessions.. if you can afford/have coverage for this. It sounds necessary. That way the counselor can help your son but also give you proper tools for dealing with this for the best outcome.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 30/05/2017 01:59

If it is the same poster there are fairly significant cultural differences between the OP and her husband but which OP has taken up to the exclusion of her son

Got that the other way round it is OP's son's father who was a different cultural background but from previous threads it was her son who felt excluded from the family because of that.

DixieFlatline · 30/05/2017 02:11

Got that the other way round it is OP's son's father who was a different cultural background but from previous threads it was her son who felt excluded from the family because of that.

If it's the one I'm thinking of, the DS has some kind of Eastern European heritage or similar and the stepdad and family is Asian and Muslim. I have to say I am getting a strong vibe that this is the same poster with a few changed details. What that means, I don't know.

honeylulu · 30/05/2017 06:37

It says upthread that the sons father was Moroccan and OP, husband, stepson etc are white. So it's either a different poster or details have been changed.

user1471456357 · 30/05/2017 06:56

It would be interesting to hear the sons side of it.

wannabestressfree · 30/05/2017 07:25

Betrand I did say it didn't work for everyone but it works for me.... I live In a difficult household..I have two with asd and mental health problems one not. I have serious health problems. They have fractured relationships with their fathers. Hence me deciding not to push another relationship with a male within their home.

SavoyCabbage · 30/05/2017 07:34

Tbh I don't think most people In dh family really are that bothered by his race and it isn't talked about really. The only thing I can think about is that sometime people we don't know will assume that dh, dss and me are a family and that ds wasn't because we are all white and ds is mixed. I think this happened once but I'm not sure where exactly.

It's always the white people who get to say that they aren't bothered by race. That they don't notice race. That race doesn't matter to them. That's because we are all geared up here to live in a world where it's ok to be white. Everywhere you go and everything you do, you are treated as a white person.

Maybe you should be talking about his heritage with him a bit more.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/05/2017 07:49

I don't think it is for a child, it's not the same for adults. He likely had a huge hole left by his father and needed his mother more than ever. What he didn't need was a step dad that quite clearly dislikes him and a half brother.

I doubt the change came about suddenly five years later, it was likely there from the start but adults desires and wants seem to over rule what's best for the children in so many cases.

Even now the OP is blaming the child rather than seek to rectify the situation.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/05/2017 07:56

Well, Coffee, I think your husband needs to learn that respect works both ways. It's no concern of his how your son does his hair and it's not his place to impose his 'conservative parenting' on him. Whilst of course your son needs to show respect to your husband, several things you've mentioned makes it quite obvious that your son is struggling and needs you to be on his side more often. No wonder your son is playing up from what you've been telling us.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/05/2017 08:01

Woah some posters are being fucking harsh on op about remarrying. She was single for 6 years and waited 4 after her Ds dad died before she began a relationship with her now dh

Of course the op should be able to have another relationship/marriage. No surprise though, new relationship equals new baby (because it's not a proper relationship until you have a baby together ). Then parents wonder why their older kids start feeling left out/playing up....

bellamcpoopants · 30/05/2017 08:06

OP I haven't got much advice, just wanted to send some sympathy as I am going through similar at the moment with my ds and dh (ds's stepdad). I have taken over the parenting rather than coparenting, even though it had worked really well until now (ds is 13 and dh has been in his life since dd was 6). It is a horrid situation to be in (dh and I have a toddler dd and another on the way) but I do think a lot is age-related (ds2 is younger but no friction at all there... yet!)

I have suggested counselling but neither of them are willing at the moment... and we've had a quiet few weeks so I'm making the most of it!

MissShittyBennet · 30/05/2017 08:23

People are being harsh on OP for marrying this particular man because it says clearly in her OP that DS has always had a problem with him. Which would mean there were issues pre-marriage, but she still thought it was a good idea to marry him anyway. She's later changed this to last couple of years, but the initial info given meant there was enough for both of them to realise they were going to encounter problems.

Also, like others I did think of the poster who had a similar story to this a year ago. However in that instance, the DS had a Latvian father, DH was British Pakistani and the DS and DSS were merrily trading ethnic slurs at school. The OP was the only one in the setup who wasn't being racially abused on a regular basis, iirc. That thread went poof because of trollery or some such, but the facts are different here though not the mothers attitude.

Leonardo44 · 30/05/2017 08:38

Your DH needs to take a huge step back. I don't really see why he should be doing any disciplining at all. If it worked then fair enough but it clearly isn't. Kids are very capable of understanding that different parents have different rules.

I have never liked my step mum and never will. My dad insisted that we were all a big happy family and that step parent or half brother didn't matter to him. They may not have mattered to him but they mattered to me. You need to make it clear to your DS that you are his family. He doesn't have any obligation to have a relationship with his step dad IMO. Respect him yes but he doesn't have to like him.

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