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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a single parent

98 replies

nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 22:35

Would you choose to have a baby alone if you were approaching 40, no man on the scene? Or would you accept being childless?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 23/05/2017 22:36

I wouldn't do it if the child couldn't know their father (and if the father wasn't essentially a good guy.) Now that I've had children I believe more and more in nature rather than nurture.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/05/2017 22:36

Have a baby without a second thought (provided I could support us both)

MrTumblesbitch · 23/05/2017 22:40

I'm a single parent (ds dad left when I was pregnant) it's the hardest thing I have ever done. That said, I have been looking into sperm donors and IVF options lately.

For me, I would need - secure finances, secure living situation, support (practical and emotional) on hand and a really good plan for back up generally.

The early days, completely on my own with a baby who woke every hour and a half until he was 2, nearly broke me. You need a plan, and if you get a good one, go for it!

Lushka · 23/05/2017 22:40

I'm a single mum approaching 40, it's bloody hard especially the baby stage but I wouldn't change it for the world. I've got a very supportive family and his dad has him regularly too though.

VelvetSpoon · 23/05/2017 22:44

Yes if I was financially independent.

I had a baby alone (unplanned) in my mid 20s. I was on my own throughout pregnancy, his dad has never been involved so may as well have been anonymous sperm donor. I wouldn't change a thing. It wasn't easy as I had no parents or family but I don't regret it, he's 18 now and a great young man.

bluediamonds · 23/05/2017 22:47

I would probably do it. Thought about it myself. I have 3 now so don't need to do it. Was married to dc1s father, but felt like a single parent. Left him, met someone else,( never lived with him) and have been a single patent with the 2dcs that followed from day one. Totally on my own (with no help whatsoever from anyone). Hard, but doable.
I get what other pps are saying but at the end of the day it's your choice and you will love the child. Good luck to you. X

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 23/05/2017 22:47

No because it's your fulfilling your need. It's selfish. Get a cat.

PodgeBod · 23/05/2017 22:49

I would go it alone.

Original poster

nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 22:49

Cats and children aren't exactly the same you know

OP posts:

GoldenBlue · 23/05/2017 22:51

I got divorced when youngest was 1, it was a relief to be a single parent rather than married and doing everything without any help, but not able to ask family for help because it would show him up for being a lazy, poor parent and partner.

Being a single parent is hard, you need to build up support networks through baby groups etc, so that on those days the baby won't stop crying there us someone to have a cup of tea with, and chat, and it won't seem so bad.

Money is a worry and childcare is expensive, but you can qualify for tax credits to help depending on salary.

Ultimately you need to think would you always regret not having kids, or can you let it go.

In your shoes I'd have a baby, but then I have 2 kids and now 3 step kids and I'd have loved more.

Good luck with your decision making X

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/05/2017 22:52

Isn't having a baby when you're married selfish too?

I'd consider it if I had good finances/support.

BarbarianMum · 23/05/2017 22:53

Had I been childless at 40 i think I'd have gone for it. Knowing now what motherhood entails, I wouldn't. I'm not cut out to be a single parent. Unfortunately that's not the sort of thing you necessarily know before doing it.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 23/05/2017 22:54

Cats are better - you can get someone to feed them when you go on holiday

Mermaidinthesea123 · 23/05/2017 22:56

I would definitely do it. Someone at work has just done it, just decided to have a child as she's getting older. She isn't coming back, she's going to live on benefits until her child goes to school, already has a rented flat and will return to nursing once her child is around 5.
I think it's important to have a family and friends support group though, i was a single mum for years and it can get pretty lonely without that.

KeyChange · 23/05/2017 22:57

still surely most "wanted" children are fulfilling a parent's need??

I became single mum when baby was 18 months. It is hard work, even when DC goes to ex every other weekend, but I'll take it - I love being a mum.

I considered a second via donor - but I think it would be difficult both in terms of hard work and one DC having dad while the other didn't.

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 22:59

Yes. In fact I'd have done it younger.

reluctantlondoner · 23/05/2017 23:00

Yes go for it! Don't miss out on your chance to have children if it's something you really want and have thought about for a long time! I know some childless older women who regret it...

SarahBeeney · 23/05/2017 23:01

I would have a baby.
I have several single friends who've gone down the sperm donor route.

Fruitcorner123 · 23/05/2017 23:01

No because it's your fulfilling your need. It's selfish.

Do you really believe people who have children within a committed relationship do it for selfless reasons?

Having said that it's hard even with a dad around so i would think very carefully. What will you tell the child when they ask about their dad? Financially have you thought about maternity leave with no additional income, childcare and covering school hols when they are older, living costs, etc?

reluctantlondoner · 23/05/2017 23:03

At the end of the day, having kids is always selfish and to fulfil the parents' desire! The world doesn't need anymore children in it... But then having children isn't a logical decision, it can't be or nobody would ever do it! No sleep ever again, skint, sex life ruined, body ruined, sounding appealing?!

Original poster

nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 23:03

I haven't worked out the finer details but it is doable. Just :)

OP posts:

notgivingin789 · 23/05/2017 23:04

I'm finding it really hard being a single parent as DS is getting older and becoming so much aware. When DS was younger, I found it easier and managed ok. When they are babies/ toddlers you don't really think. Though I use to get insanely jealous when I see couples out with their newborns/ young toddlers (DS dad was in the scene but wasn't iifyswim.

Now that DS is getting older, dealing with friendship issues, homework, maturity, worrying about secondary schools in a few years time... I am finding it difficult. I wish there was someone here I can talk to and we can parent DS together. All the responsibility and choices are on my head. I can speak to friends or family members but it's a bit different as they have their own lives and don't want to inflict too much on them.

If I was 40 and childless... I don't know. I will be sad, by enjoy the rest of my years and not have children. It's very difficult to know what I will do...

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 23/05/2017 23:05

Oldest mum at the school gates
Parents evenings when you are 58
Menopause and puberty side by side
Lack of sleep
Knackered body
Unlikely to have family support ie grandparents
In 30 years you'll be an aged burden to a young person who wants their own family

Its hard being a parent in a stable, supportive relationship when you are both young and healthy.

reluctantlondoner · 23/05/2017 23:06

Also don't assume you will necessarily be a single parent for the rest of your life. You could meet a lovely DP in the future. But you won't be able to have your own kids in the future!

Original poster

nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 23:08

Knackered body? Speak for yourself!

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