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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a single parent

98 replies

nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 22:35

Would you choose to have a baby alone if you were approaching 40, no man on the scene? Or would you accept being childless?

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 23/05/2017 23:23

Better to be a single parent rather than unhappily married.

Rockhopper81 · 23/05/2017 23:23

I'm almost 36 and have started looking into it! I've had a scan privately (I have PCOS, so there are additional factors at play!), had blood tests for a hormone profile that I'm just waiting for the results of, and have found a donor. I'm just waiting to bloody well ovulate - that's the trickiest part for me really! I have an appointment with a gynaecologist in June though, so hoping there is something I can be prescribed to help regulate cycles and/or promote ovulation.

So basically - if you're in the right place in your life, go for it! You may well meet somebody in a few years time, but unfortunately biology waits for nobody. I've given up on finding somebody, but my body 'isn't getting any younger' as my nan would've said!

No because it's your fulfilling your need. It's selfish. Get a cat.

So you think that I'm being selfish by considering my situation (finance, support, housing, ability to provide emotionally) and planning to bring a child into the world who will be loved and looked after? Really...how strange...and I'm allergic to cats, so no thanks. Smile

memyselfandaye · 23/05/2017 23:26

I've only ever been a single parent and would'nt change anything even if I could.

I don't think it's hard work at all, however I have very supportive family, friends and employers, and a child that sleeps!

In your shoes and at your age I would go for it.

It can be tiring though, I'm in my 40's with a 6yr old.

There is a support thread or topic somewhere on here for single women going down the donor route.

Do you think you will look back in 5, 10 or 20 years and regret not doing it?

Rockhopper81 · 23/05/2017 23:26

Op, do you think it's fair on a child not to have a father from the outset. The statistical evidence is overwhelming that children do better with two parents.

I also add that, no, I wouldn't ideally choose to be a single parent, but the thought of not being a mother is totally frightening to me - I feel like it's something I'm meant to do. I'm not sure that makes sense...

But yes OP - I agree with your response to this completely. Smile

BlackeyedSusan · 23/05/2017 23:31

the ideal is two parents in a stable relationship who both love and invest in the child.

better thoughto have one loving parent than an abusive one around as well.

and not many of us manage the ideal. ex was not ideal.

personally, I would go for it. better a wanted child in a single parent family that some of the crap many children have to put up with.

(it will be bloody hard work though, but absolutely worth it. )

oh and statistics are just sort of an average. does nto mean your child will do worse becasue they are in a single parent family

MoominFlaps · 23/05/2017 23:33

Pre DS I would have said yes, absolutely. Post DS I would say no, I'd rather remain childless than willingly set out to parent alone.

It's a personality thing - I have found being a mum very very hard (and I do not have a particularly difficult child).

123456789ten · 23/05/2017 23:36

Do it! You won't regret it.

OpalTree · 23/05/2017 23:37

I agree with the person who said that as they grow older you see that a lot of how they are is nature rather than nurture (although nurture has a big effect too) so choose wisely.
They will want to know who their dad is and to meet him as they grow older, so think about that too.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/05/2017 23:39

"I'd rather be a single parent than
unhappily married.'
^^^^^^
YYYYYY to this

VelvetSpoon · 23/05/2017 23:56

They don't all want to know about their dad...DS at almost 19 has barely shown any interest. At 3 or 4 he asked if he looked like his dad, and a couple of years later if his dad was a good footballer, but since then he's asked nothing. It really doesn't concern him. It might in future I guess, but at present he really isn't too bothered.

beingsunny · 24/05/2017 00:10

No, I believe children need a mum and a dad, they each bring something different to the growth of the child. I know this doesn't always work out but to plan it that way seems unfair.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/05/2017 00:29

Being sunny.
So a women should stay in an abusive relationship. I know that's not what this thread is about, BTW. Before. I'm pounced on.
With the greatest respect I think you need to enter the 21st century. Its 2017 not 1720.

JigglyTuff · 24/05/2017 00:39

There's a donor conception board on here OP and plenty of single mothers by choice. You could also contact the Donor Conception Network in the UK who are really helpful and have meet ups for single parents

Panda81 · 24/05/2017 03:08

Op, do you think it's fair on a child not to have a father from the outset. The statistical evidence is overwhelming that children do better with two parents.

There is also evidence to suggest that it is a secure and loving home that is better for children, not whether it is one parent or two. So a one parent home that is secure and loving is no worse off for the child than a two parent home that is secure and loving. It's broken homes that causes the most damage to children.

OP I am currently pregnant having gone down the IVF with donor sperm route at 35. I am under no illusion it's going to be difficult but I think many mums find it difficult, relationship or not. I've seen friends be let down by their OH for whatever reason, leaving all childcare duties to Mum. At least in my situation I don't have a partner to get irritated at for not helping out, my focus can be entirely on me and baby. I also think if you have been single for some time and are used to being on your own that it puts us in a stronger position to cope on our own. I can quite easily go on holidays/weekends alone whereas I have friends that struggle with their own company and always need to be in a relationship or around others. I expect they would struggle being a single mum more than I will and you will get similar people commenting on here that you shouldn't do it based on their own situation.

There are lots of books out there for single mothers by choice that I found useful in my decision to go ahead. I struggled with the selfishness for a while but the research I did put a different perspective on it and also prepare for the road ahead. I would recommend doing your own research/reading.

Ultimately for me having a child of my own is my one 'non-negotiable' in life and there was no way I was going to allow a man (or lack of) get in the way of that.

Only you can know which path you would regret more - child on your own or no child.

Good luck with the decision making - I think that's the hardest bit!

CBeebiesaddict · 24/05/2017 05:50

Will you have family support during the sleep deprived stage? I genuinely am not sure I could have survived without the shift agreement with DH. However I am one of those people who need at least 8 hours or I start to fall apart!

Justanothernameonthepage · 24/05/2017 06:15

As others have said, if you are financially secure and have support then yes. In some ways it's an improvement on people who have a family with their partner but are then left high and dry. But the emotional support is vital I would say. And if you can afford a nanny/mother's help for the first couple of months, I would get that.

Cally70 · 24/05/2017 06:22

I'm a solo mother by choice to two children, who are happy, loved & well balanced. It took several rounds of IVF. At nearly 40, you don't have time of your side. I say go for it. It'll be the best thing you've ever done. You'll regret it if you don't at least try Smile

Neome · 24/05/2017 06:26

You won't be the oldest Mum at the school gates Smile I'll be there and some other older parents and some younger parents will be great friends too.

It's very hard to really imagine and plan for being a parent in any circumstances, too many unknowns and impossible to know how you will feel. I coped far better with sleep deprivation in the first year as an older Mum than I would have predicted.

Good luck whatever you decide.

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 24/05/2017 06:36

Menopause and puberty side by side . Good Point StillDrivingMeBonkers

I am 52 and one of my DSs is a teenager . We clash , we really really clash . Didn't' put it down to the fact I am in Menopause and he is , well, a teenage boy.

wannabestressfree · 24/05/2017 06:45

I have had a child at home all my adult life and if I am honest the happiest we are as a unit is when we are on our own- just me and ds x 3. I have always had an open door policy and their dads are free to take an interest or not until they decide for themselves and then we talk about it ( e.g. Will it have any ramifications with grandparents) I have to say they all have difficult relationships with their fathers and excellent ones with paternal grandparents.
I would never live with a man now until my sons are grown....

Original poster
nighttimestars · 24/05/2017 06:51

Thanks, you've given me some interesting thoughts. There don't seem to be any major reasons not to go ahead in some ways, it's just I'm worried the child would resent me.

OP posts:
olliegarchy99 · 24/05/2017 06:54

I was a single parent back in the 1970s - not through choice and although I agree single parents can produce well rounded lovely children - they will ask questions about their father, grandchildren in the future will ask questions about why they only have one grandfather and there may well be a hunger to know about the absent father and try to find him. Do not for a minute think that because at 6 or 10 they do not ask questions that they never will.
The other thing to bear in mind is that it is not just having a baby and how cute / lovable they are - it is also being a single parent to a teenager and eventually an adult. It is not all roses even if you have financial stability and not relying on benefits. Hmm

PoorYorick · 24/05/2017 06:56

The whole 'it's selfish' thing is stupid and always has been. Any choice about children, whether to have them or not, is selfish. You choose to have children because it's the life you want, or not to have them for the same reason. (Ok, I realise some people are pressured or forced either way, but we're talking about those who make a choice.)

I personally would not have a child alone, maybe if I had really, really good support. It's impossible to know how exhausting, tiring, relentless and all consuming it is, especially in the early days, until you've done it. I had PND and serious physical health problems following the labour, and had it not been for my supportive partner I dread to think where I would have ended up.

If you do have really good support, though, and are financially stable...well, I still personally wouldn't, but I wouldn't let the tired old IT'S SO SELFISH bollocks feature in the decision.

Original poster
nighttimestars · 24/05/2017 06:56

I really don't mind any negative points but there really isn't any need to be rude or pull faces at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nighttimestars · 24/05/2017 06:57

It's an interesting question though yorick

Where do you think you would have ended up? Would you have taken your life, is that what you mean?

OP posts: