Page 4 | To want to be a single parent

nighttimestars · 2017-05-23T21:35:04+00:00

Would you choose to have a baby alone if you were approaching 40, no man on the scene? Or would you accept being childless?

NashvilleQueen · 24/05/2017 07:00

Not RTFT but just to say that I would (and have) done it in a heartbeat. The idea that the desire to be a parent is intrinsically linked to being in a relationship is laughable. I have a lot of female friends who have never met the 'right' partner or met him too late so that their fertile years are behind them. If this is important to you then don't be put off by going it alone.

There are obvious practical disadvantages (support at home, finances) and more significant ones if there is no father around. But there are millions of women bringing up happy well adjusted children across the world. You are not selfish for wanting to be one of them.

silkpyjamasallday · 24/05/2017 07:02

Do it OP, if you want a baby I don't see why not having a partner should stop you. And to be honest, no father at all is twenty times better than so many of the shit husbands and partners people post about on here. DPs mum raised him herself and she did a bloody good job of parenting on her own, his dad was mostly absent and never financially supported him and was a very bad influence, he would have been better off without him in his life at all rather than flitting in and out. If you can afford to support a child and you want one I wouldn't hesitate. You aren't too old, there are more first time mums over 40 than under 20 in this country now so you won't be the odd one out.

Squeegle · 24/05/2017 07:02

It's very hard being a single mum to a teenage boy. Like a PP said, choose the father carefully ( it's all in the genes imo).

olliegarchy99 · 24/05/2017 07:03

night
If that was aimed at me you are being rude to me - I was not in any way rude (that is a sceptical face!)
OK this is the very last time I try to be helpful from my experience and bear in mind some of my comments were in response to others - not specifically aimed at you.
carry on and do as you wish.

Original poster

nighttimestars · 24/05/2017 07:14

Well, Ollie, your post was fine until the last two lines.

Most people do know babies grow up, and I wouldn't be relying on benefits - there's a skeptical face for you, too.

OP posts:

Blinkyblink · 24/05/2017 07:15

100% yes I would.
Single parent of 4 and 6 year old here.

happypoobum · 24/05/2017 07:29

YANBU

I would do this in your situation. I was married when I had my two but still ended up a single parent.

I have a friend who was in your position and she asked this question. She decided against having a child and she then spent her forties literally throwing herself at any available man in the hope that this would be "her chance".

Now she is fifty and that chance to have a child has passed

Writerwannabe83 · 24/05/2017 07:32

What a difficult situation.

My friend had a baby and the dad was off the scene before the baby was even born and my friend is freeyenrly very upset about the fact her son isn't going to have a dad. She frets about what she's going to say when he starts asking where his dad is, why other people have one and he doesn't etc and the repercussions of him growing up without that male role model. Her son is only 14 months old but she often gets tearful over her thoughts.

I have a son who is 3 and the relationship he has with his dad is wonderful and very special. His dad is able to provide 'something' that I can't in terms of a parent (and vice versa) and I would feel sad if my son had never had the option to have a dad through a choice I made.

A colleague of mine is 42 and desperate to be a mother but has never met the right person and it really upsets her that her chances are slipping away. I don't know what she will do but I do wonder if she will opt for IVF in the near future.

You have my sympathies OP, it's a very emotive subject and one it must be very hard to face. On one hand I think no woman should be forced to remain childless just because she hasn't met the right person but at the same time I think children have the right to have a mother and father in their life where possible.

Its a situation I'm totally on the fence with because there is no right or wrong answer. I hope you come to a decision that you're happy with and that you get what you want out of life

Isetan · 24/05/2017 08:09

Having a man doesn't guarantee shit. Most single parents (including myself) started off being a parent as part of a couple and I'm sure there's many of us who wish we hadn't.

Leatherboundanddown · 24/05/2017 08:19

It would depend on how well off I was. Do you own your home? How old are your parents and do they live locally? Other support network? Would you return to work full time?

I am a lone parent to a nearly 6 yr old. Her Dad left just before she was 3 (good riddance). It has been really hard but mainly financially as I have still been studying so I can earn us more money ultimately.

Without those money worries and if we were not in rented accom and having to move every 1-2 years I think things would have been more managable.

Rockhopper81 · 24/05/2017 08:42

Just to say, the comment about the child wondering why they only had on grandfather - I have two parents, but only had one grandfather. It totally didn't bother me at all, I had an amazing relationship with the grandfather I did have and it didn't occur to me I was missing anything. Any child I had would have two amazing grandparents, so they wouldn't miss out.

Snog · 24/05/2017 08:49

If this was me I would need to have someone who could help me with childcare on a regular basis so I could have a break.
But if you are fitter and healthier than me maybe not so much of an issue. If your child will only have one parent then be a really good one to her.
Good luck OP, I think you are gonna decide to go for it and I wish you well.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/05/2017 08:53

I agree single parents can produce well rounded lovely children - they will ask questions about their father, grandchildren in the future will ask questions about why they only have one grandfather and there may well be a hunger to know about the absent father and try to find him. Do not for a minute think that because at 6 or 10 they do not ask questions that they never will

A lot of the time they don't. Due to my own situation I have a very high amount of total lone parent by choice friends and some of mine are as a result of that choice as well. All bar one of my friends have a totally open from the off stance on the matter with information and just making sure that the circumstances surrounding the kids conception is a basic known fact. There are no questions it just is what it is.
IME the questions seem to arise when there is a known other parent who has dropped out for what ever reason rather than the total one parent situation.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/05/2017 08:56

Op, it's a choice only you can make.

If it was a choice I was making (again) I would be mindful of how I decided to go about it, there is no way I would do it under circumstances where someone who was meant to be nothing other than a donor could come crawling out of the woodwork when ever they fancied it and decide they wanted to play dad, and these days a lot of the methods of doing it mean that can happen

KC225 · 24/05/2017 09:14

I would say yes. But you need to be realistic. Making sure you are financially stable is important with work that is flexible.And support is enormous. What about family?

A friend of mine adopted a toddler at 42. Not only are there all the issues around the child but she has no parents who can help. She has siblings but not near enough that they can give her a few hours off if she has a cold or a lie in if she has a headache. Don't underestimate how draining firing on all cylinders is all the time. She can't even pop to the shop. Having said that, one of the playgroup mums who had a child by doner IUI is getting married this autumn to a single DAD with a child of a similar age. They met online both wanted to meet single parents as neither wanted more children.

I had twins just before my 43rd birthday and I wasn't the oldest at the school gate and so what if you are, someone has to be. All new mothers are tired, I went to every play group going and the 20 year olds were yawning as much me as me.

Good luck OP

VelvetSpoon · 24/05/2017 10:04

Not only did my DS not have a dad, he also had no grandparents at all, as both my parents died before he was born.

In an ideal world, we'd all wait until we met the right partner. But I've got friends who waited. Some never met anyone, or met them too late. Others ended up having fertility issues which despite countless IVF attempts sadly didn't result in a baby. Not forgetting of course the ones who met someone perfect, got married, had children and then it all went horribly wrong and relationship ended. Or even the spouse died.

There is no guarantee any of us will find the 'right' relationship, or that it will stay right, or that if you can have children, that nothing will change and you'll raise them to 18 in a happy 2 parent relationship.

So if you can't guarantee ANY of that, why on earth not just go it alone from the off...

Faithless · 24/05/2017 10:13

I would be honest about your strengths and weaknesses. Are you: financially stable, emotionally stable, organised, resilient, calm, have good family support, happy to give up time to yourself, hobbies and nights out for pretty much the next 14 years - then go for it. Are you: flakey, disorganised, skint, depressed, volatile, love time to yourself, devoted to hobbies and nights out, lacking in practical and emotional support, then no, don't do it.
The above factors are more important for good and happy parenting than having a man.

Mia1415 · 24/05/2017 10:16

I'm a single parent (36) and DS is 4. His 'father' has no contact, never met him and no financial contribution.

It is hard but also the most rewarding, amazing thing and I love my DS to bits.

The biggest struggle for me is having no support and backup and it has impacted my career massively. If he is sick I have to take time off (or work from home but that's not always ideal if I have meetings etc), and I can't ever travel, go to work functions etc. I have to leave on time every day and have no social life. Even parent evenings are a struggle.

But....I wouldn't change DS for the world, and if I was in the financial position to do it I would consider having another child on my own.

LetsSplashMummy · 24/05/2017 10:28

In my DD's peer group (age 5/6) there are a variety of single parents, including donor sperm, widowed when DC a baby and from bad relationships. Most mums are by now in new-ish relationships and think that they have met a better standard of man through being selective for their children and seeing him with their child (a nice-ness barometer, so to speak). You are not signing up to be single forever.

The worst outcome would be to rush into a relationship without knowing him too well and jumping straight into parenthood together. That and childlessness are the only other realistic options here, given your age. I wouldn't choose them if I had the chance to go it alone.

Make sure you are someone that can ask for help if you need it and best of luck.

Starduke · 24/05/2017 11:00

MIL was a single mother aged 42 when DH was born. The father flitted around a bit but never lived with them. She did it all. She also worked FT and had no family support.

She says it wasn't too hard but DH was an incredibly easy baby and child why oh why don't our boys take after him

Although, DH has said that a lot of the time he was easy because he didn't bother his mum and just left her to get on with cooking and cleaning etc. She never played with him, he had a series of childminders, and from an early age was left alone at the weekend (she worked shifts) and during school holidays. He was often lonely.

He is a wonderful man and father though, despite having no male role model.

I couldn't have coped with DS1 by myself, but could have done with DS2. But I am financially independant.

Oldraver · 24/05/2017 11:13

I had (planned) DS2 when I was nearly 41 on my own. DS1 was 20.

I could support myself financially, and didnt have to work. I'm sure if I had to work it would of been harder. Being a working parent with DS1 was hard even though I had a DH...

I would say go for it.

Mustang27 · 24/05/2017 11:19

In the blink of an eye

OrlandoTheCat · 24/05/2017 12:36

Like a few previous posters, my response is:

Before I had a child, I would definitely have gone for it alone if I didn't have kids at your age.

Now that I have a child and with the knowledge of what motherhood involves, I wouldn't.

I don't have any family support really so it's just me and DH (who is not hands on). I find it earth-shatteringly exhausting and am therefore ratty a lot of the time