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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a single parent

98 replies

nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 22:35

Would you choose to have a baby alone if you were approaching 40, no man on the scene? Or would you accept being childless?

OP posts:
user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 23:09

I have some experience of this as my sister in law did it....DH's sister.

She got pregnant aged 43 by donor sperm which she "did herself"

She's having a terribly hard time as a single parent to be honest. She's depressed though her family supported her choice, it's not until you have a baby that you fully understand the importance of a Father figure in the baby's life.

SHe has a lot of guilt. Her son is only 3 and so doesn't really understand yet....he's very bonded to his Granddad who is now extremely ill...possibly terminal. She realises her son will lose his only Father figure whilst he is so little.

SIL is a lesbian and has no girlfriend either.

reluctantlondoner · 23/05/2017 23:09

StillDriving that's a pretty extreme view of it. Many women are having children in their late 30s and early 40s. What age would be your cut off?! You never know how long your parents will live. Some are healthy and helpful into their 80s or even 90s. Some tragically die at 50, or even younger. Is having a baby at 40 worse than a teenager having a baby who can't look after it emotionally financially or practically?

NotISaidTheWalrus · 23/05/2017 23:10

No because it's your fulfilling your need. It's selfish. Get a cat

When is having a baby not selfish? What else can it be?

Get yourself a fucking cat. And a grip.

Original poster
nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 23:11

So do you think lesbians shouldn't have children user? Genuine question there.

OP posts:
notgivingin789 · 23/05/2017 23:11

Yep knackered Grin. I'm 23 and I feel exhausted every day (though I also work).

Gran22 · 23/05/2017 23:11

What about adoption? I know a couple of single women who have adopted babies when in their thirties. Both already had homes and decent jobs. Nursery fees were helped by tax credits. Both may well have been childless otherwise. Both however do have support from parents and wider family.

Funnyfarmer · 23/05/2017 23:11

I raised my dd on my own for the 1st 10 years.
Met my dp. Had dd2 gained a whole new family, MIL. B's and sis SIl's
Dp is great. Good relationship and he's a good dad and SF.
In all honesty. I found it easier on my own.
Parenting is hard work and so are relationships.
I was only young really don't think I could have handled both back then.
I love both my dd's. But dd1 and I have a very special bond.

Original poster
nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 23:12

Adoptions a no go sadly.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 23/05/2017 23:12

If do it. Choose The father wisely though.

notgivingin789 · 23/05/2017 23:12

reluctant I had DS in my teens 😑. What are you trying to say ?

reluctantlondoner · 23/05/2017 23:13

Sorry, I just mean why so against having babies older? There are pros and cons at every age. It seems harsh to say there should be an upper limit and 40 is too old.

reluctantlondoner · 23/05/2017 23:14

Also... I didn't mean to suggest that all teenage mums can't look after their babies, some can but many can't.

ToddlerIs2 · 23/05/2017 23:14

StillDrivingMeBonkers. No because it's your fulfilling your need. It's selfish. Get a cat
Yeah cost when me and DH did it, it was totally altruistic... We did it for you! Not like OP Hmm

If you can afford it, do it

MsGameandWatch · 23/05/2017 23:15

I definitely would. I'm a single parent to two children with additional needs. It's hard work, I won't lie, but I wouldn't change a thing and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

imightneedsocks · 23/05/2017 23:16

I'd have one alone, I grew up in a single parent family and never felt I was lacking because of it.

notgivingin789 · 23/05/2017 23:16

reluctant its ok ! Grin I'm just being my old and defensive grumpy self .

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 23:16

No because it's your fulfilling your need. It's selfish.

Rather a single woman bring a wanted child into the world via sperm donation who has thought through the financial and practical aspects, over all manner of much worse situations. Having a baby in a bad relationship is much worse.

Chaotica · 23/05/2017 23:17

I'd go for it. I know people who have and they don't regret it. (It was hard though, but a lot of people have little help from their partners which is just as difficult.)

Waterlemon · 23/05/2017 23:17

A friend of mine went abroad for ivf with donated sperm. She now has a beautiful little boy.

All she ever wanted was to be a Mum, but her relationships didn't work out, and then she suffered an injury that took most of her 30s to overcome.

Northernparent68 · 23/05/2017 23:17

Op, do you think it's fair on a child not to have a father from the outset. The statistical evidence is overwhelming that children do better with two parents.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/05/2017 23:18

I raised my dd as a single mum, and I found it a doddle.

It was little things like getting to choose the name on my own, mind you I suppose that's quite big isn't it.
However I did have full support from my mum dad nan and grandad, so I wasn't totally alone. I don't doubt it could have been a different story had I been totally alone.

Original poster
nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 23:20

Ideally no northern

But then never having a child fills me with absolute horror. Which is selfish I know.

Plus I think the two parent data is skewed towards poverty rather than the presence of two parents being so marvellous, although obviously two are better than one financially if for no other reason.

OP posts:
user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 23:20

Nighttime of course I don't think lesbians should not have children!! What a ridiculous thing to think.

I think in an ideal world, my SIL would have had a child alongside a long term partner though. Doesn't matter if the child had "two Mums" or not.

StillSeekingResponsibleAdult · 23/05/2017 23:21

I know a couple of people who've gone down the donor route, both have very supportive families, both sometimes find it incredibly hard being full time mums, with no prospect of even every other weekend off. I think both of them have moments when they wonder what on earth they've got themselves into, but I don't think either of them regret having their kids.

Plenty of people who have children in committed relationships end up alone, there are no guarantees.

Original poster
nighttimestars · 23/05/2017 23:21

Be fairuser you did rather mention repeatedly the fact the child missed out on a father figure

OP posts: