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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of explaining everything to DP?

85 replies

kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 14:36

DP has a decent career and is clearly not thick. Yet I have to explain everything to him always. From minor things like not chucking his red pants in with the white wash, to major things like I can't respect him when the DC don't. His DD aged 10 lives with us and we have a two and three year old together. He has no authority over DSD at all and argues with her a lot. She continues doing as she likes and he does nothing about it. Yesterday he asked her to bring her cup in from the garden, she said jokingly no you can get it. He started arguing saying if you don't listen I'll remove privileges/pocket money/cancel x,y,z and she smiled and said fine. He eventually huffed off and got the cup himself. There will be no consequence for DSD.

We got a rescue staffy just after Christmas and she's gorgeous. Our two year old is very boisterous so I've had to explain to DP to never leave them alone under any circumstances repeatedly, yet he still does. I've had to spell it out that DS will get bitten but he just seems to not listen until something goes wrong.

I'm a SAHM and a carer for our three year old who is disabled. I had to pay for our new dogs immunisations out of my carers allowance/DS' DLA and she also needs to be neutered but I just can't afford it. We have new carpets all downstairs so her coming into season is likely to ruin them but DP will complain when this happens yet won't prevent it by paying for the operation himself.

He's had a porn addiction in the past which I suspect has just gone undercover because his phone is completely locked down and secret. When we have sex he's immediately telling me to slow down or trying to withdraw and often over for him in less than a minute. I explained before that his porn addiction was affecting our sex life and therefore our relationship but he just doesn't see it and I doubt he'd do anything about it unless I tell him I'll leave him over it.

He'll let the DC walk around with pens/scissors/glue and I have to explain why not to do so. I have no access to his money and my only pair of shoes are soaked from the rain which he knows, yet he will not give me any money for new ones unless u specifically explain and ask. It's been raining here all week and we're running out of clothes. I asked DP to hang the clean wet clothes on the radiators while I was cooking dinner. I then had to explain that he would also need to put the heating on so they'd dry Hmm

AIBU to not want to have to state the obvious for the rest of my life?

OP posts:
BlahBlahBlahEtc · 19/05/2017 14:41

You can't learn common sense

TheStoic · 19/05/2017 14:42

YANBU. What do you think you should do about it?

Moanyoldcow · 19/05/2017 14:43

What are you getting out of this relationship?

I wouldn't have a dog I couldn't afford either, and certainly not with such young children.

piglover · 19/05/2017 14:44

The lack of common sense is not your only problem, it would seem.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 19/05/2017 14:44

Explaining this to him is the least of your problems. His financial abuse is the priority here.

MikeUniformMike · 19/05/2017 14:46

He sounds like a waste of space. Get rid.

blackteasplease · 19/05/2017 14:47

This doesn't sound like a lack of understanding to me.

You seem to have snuck in a reference to financial abuse at the end there. And what's to not understand about the porn?

blackteasplease · 19/05/2017 14:48

Plus I don't think you can keep your staffy if he's that irresponsible.

Original poster
kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 14:48

'We' can afford the dog. I didn't realise when we got her that I'd be expected to pay for her, like I'm expected to pay for all the DC.

OP posts:
DeanKoontz · 19/05/2017 14:49

Oh my word, why are you with him, and why did you get the dog?

I'm not sure where to start.

honeylulu · 19/05/2017 14:53

FFS dump his sorry arse. You'll actually be better off with him having to pay maintenance.
I don't think the dog was a wise decision by either of you!! Can you rehome her?
What do you see in him?

Original poster
kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 14:54

I didn't know he'd be a twat about the dig until we got her!

OP posts:
Eolian · 19/05/2017 14:54

He has a decent career but you are expected to pay for everything for the dc and the dog? Wtf? That is totally unacceptable. And a porn addiction on top of his utter crapness? Good grief. It's got nothing to do with a lack of understanding. He is taking you for an absolute mug.

BrightonBelleCat · 19/05/2017 14:54

Why do you have no access to his money and why isn't he paying for his children?

ChicRock · 19/05/2017 14:54

Seems your DP is not the only one in your relationship lacking basic common sense.

Return the dog, stop having children with him and LTB.

TheStoic · 19/05/2017 14:55

Keep the dog, lose the husband.

ChicRock · 19/05/2017 14:55

I didn't know he'd be a twat about the dig until we got her!

But you knew he was a twat about the children Hmm did you think a dog would be somehow different?

Underthemoonlight · 19/05/2017 14:57

Seems your DP is not the only one in your relationship lacking basic common sense.

Return the dog, stop having children with him and LTB.

This ^

Original poster
kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 14:59

I agree Eolian. Unfortunately it's just another thing I'd have to explain to him for him to be able to see it...!

I had misguided ideas that I could walk the dog in peace and he'd be forced to do some parenting Chic. That idea failed miserably.

OP posts:
WaitingYetAgain · 19/05/2017 15:02

The PDSA and other charities help people on low incomes with neutering. Not sure if you'd qualify, but worth a check.

www.dogstrust.org.uk/help-advice/neutering/low-cost-neutering

www.pdsa.org.uk/vet-services/eligibility

www.rspca.org.uk/whatwedo/care/vetcare

www.bluecross.org.uk/my-pet-eligible-veterinary-treatment

PersianCatLady · 19/05/2017 15:02

DP will complain when this happens yet won't prevent it by paying for the operation himself
Sorry but why did you get a dog without agreeing exactly who would pay for it?

That said, if you actually cannot afford to neuter your dog, have you contacted the PDSA to see if they can help you at all??

Also I am surprised that a rescue charity allowed you to take a dog without neutering it first.

Original poster
kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 15:03

Ironically I supported him when we first met while he paid off debts from his marriage and I paid to get residency of DSD. He told me a few months ago how his credit rating is great now so in my mind he could pay for the dog - even on credit if he had to (which on his salary he wouldn't have to) - he's just waiting until I have to. Now I'm the one in debt because of lack of money for essentials and the support to pay them off certainly won't be repaid.

OP posts:
Ketzele · 19/05/2017 15:04

Is the problem really that you have to explain things? Seems to me he understands perfectly what the set-up is and how things work - after all, it's all on his terms?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/05/2017 15:05

Where did you get a rescue dog from that wasn't already neutered/spayed & immunised? Confused. I thought the charities generally did that before rehoming the dogs? Obviously not.

His phone being on lockdown would be a huge issue for me. If his response to you saying porn was a no-no in your relationship was to just carry on but hide it from you then I would be asking him to leave on that issue alone TBH.

twattymctwatterson · 19/05/2017 15:05

This is not about him lacking common sense. He's financially abusing you, he's a shit partner, shit in bed and a shitty, neglectful father. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

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