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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up of explaining everything to DP?

85 replies

kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 14:36

DP has a decent career and is clearly not thick. Yet I have to explain everything to him always. From minor things like not chucking his red pants in with the white wash, to major things like I can't respect him when the DC don't. His DD aged 10 lives with us and we have a two and three year old together. He has no authority over DSD at all and argues with her a lot. She continues doing as she likes and he does nothing about it. Yesterday he asked her to bring her cup in from the garden, she said jokingly no you can get it. He started arguing saying if you don't listen I'll remove privileges/pocket money/cancel x,y,z and she smiled and said fine. He eventually huffed off and got the cup himself. There will be no consequence for DSD.

We got a rescue staffy just after Christmas and she's gorgeous. Our two year old is very boisterous so I've had to explain to DP to never leave them alone under any circumstances repeatedly, yet he still does. I've had to spell it out that DS will get bitten but he just seems to not listen until something goes wrong.

I'm a SAHM and a carer for our three year old who is disabled. I had to pay for our new dogs immunisations out of my carers allowance/DS' DLA and she also needs to be neutered but I just can't afford it. We have new carpets all downstairs so her coming into season is likely to ruin them but DP will complain when this happens yet won't prevent it by paying for the operation himself.

He's had a porn addiction in the past which I suspect has just gone undercover because his phone is completely locked down and secret. When we have sex he's immediately telling me to slow down or trying to withdraw and often over for him in less than a minute. I explained before that his porn addiction was affecting our sex life and therefore our relationship but he just doesn't see it and I doubt he'd do anything about it unless I tell him I'll leave him over it.

He'll let the DC walk around with pens/scissors/glue and I have to explain why not to do so. I have no access to his money and my only pair of shoes are soaked from the rain which he knows, yet he will not give me any money for new ones unless u specifically explain and ask. It's been raining here all week and we're running out of clothes. I asked DP to hang the clean wet clothes on the radiators while I was cooking dinner. I then had to explain that he would also need to put the heating on so they'd dry

AIBU to not want to have to state the obvious for the rest of my life?

OP posts:

robinia · 19/05/2017 15:06

It was not a good move to get a rescue dog and a rescue Staffy at that with such young dc. I'm surprised you were accepted for rehoming. Also surprised that the dog wasn't already neutered.
If dp wants to keep the dog then he has to step up on the looking after it front.
But tbh, you have such a long list of problems, I'm surprised you aren't at least considering leaving.

elephantscansing · 19/05/2017 15:07

Well. If you want to stay in this bonkers marriage, you need to talk to him.

Open a joint acount and share the family money in it. Don't just put up with having one pair of shoes, paying for all the kids' stuff yourself, paying for the dog.

Tell your h if you leave him he'll have to pay a lot more every month to support you and the dc.

I'd get rid of the dog too.

Sounds like you despise your h. Not much point being in a relationship like that, is there??

Ketzele · 19/05/2017 15:07

And a good credit rating doesn't = cashflow. My credit rating is excellent because I'm rubbish with money, but always make sure I pay off debt - you get a better credit rating for taking out endless loans and paying them, then you do by never getting into debt.

He is making perfectly clear that you can't rely on him for anything.

PersianCatLady · 19/05/2017 15:09

I had misguided ideas that I could walk the dog in peace and he'd be forced to do some parenting
Didn't you think to discuss the dog with him before getting it?

Also another problem you have is that if he has a decent career and earns decent money then you aren't entitled to any benefits and tax credits apart from your CA and DLA.

How on Earth are you managing to pay for the kids on the money that you have??

If I were you, I would have a long think about this relationship and if you want to be able to live a normal life then I would definitely think about leaving.

At least that way, you would be able to have enough money to buy yourself a pair of shoes.

PersianCatLady · 19/05/2017 15:11

Now I'm the one in debt because of lack of money for essentials and the support to pay them off certainly won't be repaid
You need to get out of this sham now.

RatherBeRiding · 19/05/2017 15:14

Whose house are you living in?

Re the dog - having had a rescue staffy-x myself from a charity I am amazed that she needs to be neutered. No "official" charity allows dogs to be rehomed unless they are neutered and vaccinated, so I assume you have taken this dog through some private arrangement?

I also don't understand how you came by the dog without agreeing who would pay for what - do you have any joint household expenditure at all? Who paid for the new carpets you mentioned, for example?

He sounds utterly selfish. No-one can "not understand" that small children and rescue dogs have to be carefully supervised. No-one can "not understand" that coloured washing can run. Etc etc. He understands. He just doesn't give a damn.

Why on earth are you with him? The thing about you not being able to afford more shoes is just ridiculous. As a SAHM are you supposed to provide for yourself (essentials such as shoes and clothes) out of your carer's allowance?

rookiemere · 19/05/2017 15:17

Getting an unneutered, untrained rescue staffy with a 2 & 3 year old was a ludicrous, irresponsible thing to do. Or is it more than one dog?

Your P is clearly financially abusive, but having said that if money was tight I'd be reluctant to hand over wads of it to immunise and neuter dogs that should not be in the household.

Kokusai · 19/05/2017 15:19

I didn't know he'd be a twat about the dig until we got her!

But he's a twat about you, and about your human children. What made you think this would be any different?

He's a twat. But you keep adding to the problem by having more children and getting a bloody dog!

Kokusai · 19/05/2017 15:21

You'll be financially better off if you leave him.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/05/2017 15:22

He won't give you money at all to help you and your children and is utterly lacking in basic adulting and parenting skills but you decided to add a rescued dog to the mix? I agree with the others who said he's no the only one lacking in common sense.

This is a very one sided relationship in every single sense and it's obvious there isn't even trust there. Why are you still with him? Have you at least considered counselling together? That would be a good starting point if you wish to continue this relationship.

WoofWoofMooWoof · 19/05/2017 15:24

What I see here, speaking from personal experience and the help of the Women's Refuge, is financial, sexual, mental and emotional abuse. He's an abuser, plain and simple.

And the best bit? He won't change, and you'll be left broken and with nothing. My advice would be to leave now, while you still have some sanity, self respect and a few pennies to rub together.

expatinscotland · 19/05/2017 15:32

He's financially abusive and a shit father.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 19/05/2017 15:36

*This is not about him lacking common sense. He's financially abusing you, he's a shit partner, shit in bed and a shitty, neglectful father. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?"

This.

Are you ready to leave him? Has he ever been aggressive you? Just that if you were thinking of leaving- this can be a difficult time, where some men become a danger to the leaving partner. Therefore, it's definitely worth at least talking with women's aid and the CAB.

innagazing · 19/05/2017 15:38

And what exactly attracted you to this excuse for a man, in the first place?

PeppaIsMyHero · 19/05/2017 15:42

Are you okay, Kyla? xx

brasty · 19/05/2017 15:43

I too am surprised you are managing on the money you are getting in. You know you would be better off financially without him?

HappyFlappy · 19/05/2017 15:43

I'msurprised that the dog isn't already neutered when she's from a rescue. I'd ring them and check up - if she hasn't been spayed they should've you a voucher mohave her done as it is therir responsibility. (Or have I misunderstood - is this a private re-homing).

Hisnamesblaine · 19/05/2017 15:45

What are his good points? And one pair of shoes? Fuck that for a game of soilders!

WomblingThree · 19/05/2017 15:49

He's not the only one lacking common sense. You got a strong, young, untrained, un-neutered rescue dog with two small children, one of them disabled. Sorry, but you are an idiot. If either of your babies end up bitten, it will be your fault. You know he leaves them on their own with the dog, and yet you still let it happen. I actually can't believe this level of stupidity. Do you watch the news? Have you seen the number of children mauled by dogs?

And before everyone jumps all over me and says I'm being mean, damn right I am. Better now, than after one of her children has been killed.

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2017 15:51

.He's not daft.

He knows exactly what he's doing and where he's got you.

What do you want to do about it?

LaLegue · 19/05/2017 15:52

I know we always get slated for trotting out this line, but sometimes there really is nothing else that can be said except 'Why on earth did you end up having children with this man?'

People always talk as if they just woke up one day and there he was - this useless irresponsible selfish lump of a man that they've never seen before in their lives.

Goldfishjane · 19/05/2017 15:52

"Ironically I supported him when we first met while he paid off debts from his marriage and I paid to get residency of DSD"

this is not ironic. It's why he chose you. look what's happening now.

are you married, you say DP not DH.

I think you should get the dog rehomed in case of any accidents plus I think it's a poor decision if he isn't happy to look after her. Then I think you should leave.

ChildishGambino · 19/05/2017 15:53

Wombling - I don't think that's mean, just factual. I would no way leave my children with an untrained rescue dog they bloody terrify me. They can do so much damage.