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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of explaining everything to DP?

85 replies

kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 14:36

DP has a decent career and is clearly not thick. Yet I have to explain everything to him always. From minor things like not chucking his red pants in with the white wash, to major things like I can't respect him when the DC don't. His DD aged 10 lives with us and we have a two and three year old together. He has no authority over DSD at all and argues with her a lot. She continues doing as she likes and he does nothing about it. Yesterday he asked her to bring her cup in from the garden, she said jokingly no you can get it. He started arguing saying if you don't listen I'll remove privileges/pocket money/cancel x,y,z and she smiled and said fine. He eventually huffed off and got the cup himself. There will be no consequence for DSD.

We got a rescue staffy just after Christmas and she's gorgeous. Our two year old is very boisterous so I've had to explain to DP to never leave them alone under any circumstances repeatedly, yet he still does. I've had to spell it out that DS will get bitten but he just seems to not listen until something goes wrong.

I'm a SAHM and a carer for our three year old who is disabled. I had to pay for our new dogs immunisations out of my carers allowance/DS' DLA and she also needs to be neutered but I just can't afford it. We have new carpets all downstairs so her coming into season is likely to ruin them but DP will complain when this happens yet won't prevent it by paying for the operation himself.

He's had a porn addiction in the past which I suspect has just gone undercover because his phone is completely locked down and secret. When we have sex he's immediately telling me to slow down or trying to withdraw and often over for him in less than a minute. I explained before that his porn addiction was affecting our sex life and therefore our relationship but he just doesn't see it and I doubt he'd do anything about it unless I tell him I'll leave him over it.

He'll let the DC walk around with pens/scissors/glue and I have to explain why not to do so. I have no access to his money and my only pair of shoes are soaked from the rain which he knows, yet he will not give me any money for new ones unless u specifically explain and ask. It's been raining here all week and we're running out of clothes. I asked DP to hang the clean wet clothes on the radiators while I was cooking dinner. I then had to explain that he would also need to put the heating on so they'd dry Hmm

AIBU to not want to have to state the obvious for the rest of my life?

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 19/05/2017 15:53

I'm also baffled why you thought he'd help with a dog when he doesn't look after his own children.

YourHandInMyHand · 19/05/2017 15:53

Oh my word. I used to live like this.

I then lived a few blissful years as a single mum in charge of all the finances, and now live with a wonderful man who is imbued with a caring nature and a genuine desire to understand and help. IMO it's not an inability it is a choice.

He's choosing to put your child in danger
He's choosing to opt out of parenting
He's choosing for you to have cold wet feet
He's choosing to put your family pet's health at risk
He's choosing to let you live like a pauper while he has a good career and income

Now it's up to you to make your choices. Are you going to choose to continue living your life like this?

I tell you what it took me a long time to gather my thoughts and y meagre finances and make the break but when I did a weight lifted and EVERYTHING got better.

Original poster
kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 15:55

She isn't untrained and I take DS with me so DP can't leave him alone with the dog. But I shouldn't have to.

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 19/05/2017 15:56

It wasn't misleading, it was a downright lie. You didn't realise everyone would pick you up on the fact that a rescue dog would be spayed and immunised, and that you wouldn't have a hope in hell of getting a rescue dog in the first place.

Isetan · 19/05/2017 15:58

You need to take your blinkers off. Your are so busy treating his selfishness as 'him not listening' that you've failed to see the obvious explanation, he doesn't give a shit.

It's time to pull up your big girls knickers and accept that you've entangled yourself with a lazy entitled man baby. Waiting for him to grow up, particularly when you've enabled him by picking up his slack, is a waste of your time.

MyOpe · 19/05/2017 15:58

*Seems your DP is not the only one in your relationship lacking basic common sense.

Return the dog, stop having children with him and LTB*

^Again this.

MyOpe · 19/05/2017 15:59

*Seems your DP is not the only one in your relationship lacking basic common sense.

Return the dog, stop having children with him and LTB*

^ Yes this

WomblingThree · 19/05/2017 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 16:00

It wasn't a lie wombling, I was trying not to out myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
kylalellogram · 19/05/2017 16:02

He did leave them alone once after I explained the first time so now I have to make sure DC or dog are with me even when DP is here.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 19/05/2017 16:02

And you are with this lazy, usless, financially abusive, backboneless man for what reason?

He doesnt seem to have one redeeming feature that would negate anything you have said so far, he doesnt care about your kids safety, he lets his dd walk all over him, he keeps his money to himself, he isnt interested in the dog (wtf did you get one in the first place? He is useless at everything else so why would he step up when you got a dog?)

Tell hbim you are not a fucking slave and that you need £200 to kit you and kids out in new clothes and shoes or he can look after himself and his dd for the next month!

Do yourself a favour and kick him out. You would be better off financially and emotionally and the stress of him and his dd would be gone. Get your ducks in order and then tell him goodbye. You deserve better.

Witchend · 19/05/2017 16:02

I thought most rescue charities were very unwilling to let you take a dog with a pre-schooler?

MrsBobDylan · 19/05/2017 16:06

Well, not good with a two year old when they are left alone together. You said if that happens the toddler will get bitten...

Leave this man. You problem isn't that you have to tell hin everything, it's that he's a selfish, financially abusive twat.

It's a shame you supported him to get residency with his dd. Doesn't sound great for her either.

Nocarbsorsugar · 19/05/2017 16:07

I called my dog that I inherited off friends a rescue. It would have been PTS otherwise. I call her a "rescue" because I didn't chose her as a puppy and I rescued her.

He's a dick. You can't complain how weak a parent he is and then do the same with his behaviour. Tell him what you want and if he just change you need to be prepared to leave the relationship.

RatherBeRiding · 19/05/2017 16:09

OK so that's cleared up the mystery surrounding the un-neutered dog. And if you know the dog and know her to be good with children, that's fine. You obviously know to stop the 2 year old from being rough with her. To everyone saying get rid of the dog - Staffies that have been well handled and socialised as puppies are soft as muck and great with children. Rescue Staffies are a different kettle of fish.

But the financial abuse (and abuse it is) is far, far worse. If he won't chip in to general household expenditure and buy you some shoes then he's an arse. I think you need a serious talk with him, and seriously think about whether or not you'd be better off financially and emotionally without this abusive man-child in your life.

Ceto · 19/05/2017 16:11

Do you want to stay in this marriage? It seems to me that the financial issue is more serious than his need to be told what to do all the time.

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2017 16:17

The issue isn't the dog.

Are you reading peoples replies?

It's got nothing to do with the dog.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/05/2017 16:19

*The issue isn't the dog.

Are you reading peoples replies?

It's got nothing to do with the dog.*

What @Nanny0gg said! Does he have any redeeming features?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/05/2017 16:19

oops bolding fail there! Sorry!

WoofWoofMooWoof · 19/05/2017 16:20

Has anyone else noticed that the OP is focusing on the dog issues in all her replies, and ignoring the other issues?

He has you well trained OP - time to take off the blinkers.

LakieLady · 19/05/2017 16:21

Definitely LTB. You would be better off financially (income support + carer's would be over £100 pw, and with 2 children, one of whom is disabled, your child tax credits would be around £180 pw). And you could probably get maintenance from him on top, plus housing benefit if you were renting.

He's financially and emotionally abusive. What an oxygen thief.

MagicMarkers · 19/05/2017 16:21

*He's not the only one lacking common sense. You got a strong, young, untrained, un-neutered rescue dog with two small children, one of them disabled. Sorry, but you are an idiot. If either of your babies end up bitten, it will be your fault. You know he leaves them on their own with the dog, and yet you still let it happen. I actually can't believe this level of stupidity. Do you watch the news? Have you seen the number of children mauled by dogs?

And before everyone jumps all over me and says I'm being mean, damn right I am. Better now, than after one of her children has been killed.*

I completely agree with this.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/05/2017 16:30

And yes, I love dogs and have dogs and have trained them around small children. I would still never, ever, ever leave a toddler with a dog. He isn't dozy, he's downright neglectful and if anyone put my children in danger like that, they certainly wouldn't be around my kids.

Benedikte2 · 19/05/2017 16:32

And Magic Markers have you RTFT?

neonrainbow · 19/05/2017 16:32

What are you going to do about it op?

He knows exactly what he's doing. He's got you right where he wants you.