Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do: babies or travel

59 replies

bee123p · 18/05/2017 21:47

You are late twenties.

High powered job, good boss, lots of potential to go part time. Not a fulfilling role, been watching jobs for nearly two years but nothing right has come up. Losing sense of self and impacting on mental health.

Worked since 18, watched friends go travelling or have babies. Wanted to travel when younger but husband didn't want to. More tied down with mortgage and jobs now.

Stable marriage, very low mortgage. Option to remortgage minimal amount to free up funds for a better life.

Always wanted to be a mother, but keep delaying as it gets nearer the time agreed. Husband desperate for children. Your parent is elderly with some health conditions and you want them to be around for your children as they grow up. Have a health condition yourself that may impact on fertility.

Feeling lost. Current situation absolutely not working, It's like running on a treadmill and could fall off at any moment. What would you do?

OP posts:
arbrighton · 18/05/2017 21:48

Why not travel with the children if they arrive?????????? Why is it one or the other?

Puffykins · 18/05/2017 21:48

6 month sabbatical from work in order to travel, get pregnant at the end...?

ThreeForAPound · 18/05/2017 21:51

Late 20s? Travel, no doubt.

I was in your position at 28 and chose babies. No regrets (honestly), but I was in such a rush and felt SO mature at 28...but honestly? I was young. Family life could've waited another 3 or 4 years.

You can travel with babies for sure. I did it. China, SE Asia, Aus & NZ, Caribbean, across the USA....but its a different experience entirely to doing it as childless and free youngsters.

Travel!

ThreeForAPound · 18/05/2017 21:52

Oh, and I get the thing about your parents. But nothing is a given. DH's young father died when I was expecting our first child. My old and unwell father is still alive 13 years later.

Original poster
bee123p · 18/05/2017 21:55

Arbrighton - we absolutely could travel with kids, just agree with ThreeForAPound's point about it being a different experience. We're activity kind of people, and prepared for the fact that, certainly while the kids are younger, that we'd be more difficult. Not fussed about going out in the evenings at all, or anything like that, so a baby would fit into our lifestyle well otherwise.

Thank you all for replying.

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 18/05/2017 21:58

Babies. There's no guarantees start as soon as possible. So many of my friends now childless not through choice in 40s coz they left it too late. I would say 50% have had ivf. Including me and I started trying at 32. For me there is nothing more fulfilling than having children, I am so much happier since I had them. You can travel when they're older or even with them. You can't get younger if you have problems conceiving.

Trills · 18/05/2017 21:58

Do you want to have babies now? It doesn't even have to be "or travel", it could just be "or not".

You say you "always wanted to be a mother", but that doesn't mean you have to do it right now just because it's "the time agreed".

You see your friends having babies, do you look at their lives and envy them, or look at their lives and feel that you prefer your life as without them?

Original poster
bee123p · 18/05/2017 21:59

Thanks ThreeForAPound, useful to hear from someone in the same boat. You're right, nothing is guaranteed.

Puffykins - would love a sabbatical, but not convinced I'll get one. They need me too much really.

OP posts:
Trills · 18/05/2017 22:00

You don't like your job - could you get a different one?

There are more ways to change your life than having babies or quitting your job and going travelling.

PuckeredAhole · 18/05/2017 22:02

From what I know about life is to follow what your heart wants.

I travelled in my twenties, children in my 30s. We'll take them abroad a few places I want to go back to and then when they leave home we'll perhaps travel some more.

There's alway time for travel but fertility is a finite window.

Original poster
bee123p · 18/05/2017 22:02

Heateallthebuns - I'm very conscious of this, thank you for your reply.

Trills - I don't envy them now, I have in the past. I'm not drawn to one or the other now, honestly. I just know that I can't keep doing what I'm doing. Overwhelmed, no space to think clearly. Thank you.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 18/05/2017 22:03

Oh deary me, I don't think it's a simple either/or.

Why do you keep delaying having a baby?
Do you resent your H for not agreeing to the travelling earlier in the relationship?
What exactly do you mean by travel? Would some long haul holidays scratch that itch or does it need to be years?
Are you seeing these two things as escape routes from work rather than actually wanting to do either of them?

My intuition is you want to travel, your H wants babies. I'm not sure that's resolvable without some outside intervention, if at all. I would strongly recommend some counselling, for yourself individually and perhaps as a couple. I would be really concerned that if your mental health is already fragile, having a baby when you are ambivalent, would make you vulnerable to post natal depression.

Original poster
bee123p · 18/05/2017 22:04

Trills - I've been looking for two years. Nothing has come up. Have quite niche experience. Not even sure it's what I want to do any more, but retraining would mean colossal salary drop, which feels scary.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 18/05/2017 22:05

Late twenties is not all that young. I was 26, 29 and now 33 for my pregnancies. Much harder this one i am so much more knackered. The risks increase and increase as well. Agree with others you can travel with kids.

However if you want to travel now then travel now. Only means postponing things for 6 months or a year. Will DP agree though? In my career you have to work somewhere over a year before getting full maternity benefits so do look into this and factor this into your time frame.

Original poster
bee123p · 18/05/2017 22:10

Thanks Puckered, very aware of this at the moment. Don't want to regret not acting sooner.

Hedda - you've hit the nail on the head really! I think the reason why it's such a muddle now though, is because it's not working with my self-set timeline! I do wish we'd gone travelling younger, and I feel like I've had to sacrifice what I wanted for him. It doesn't bother me every day, but it can hit me unexpectedly. I burst into tears with jealousy about someone else we met travelling last year. It really doesn't feel like the right time now though. We could do it, but it's impulsive, and feels a bit reckless in the current financial market. My head is telling me this was always the age I thought I'd become a mother. My heart doesnt know any more. I know I'm phenomenally lucky to have so many options at all really. Thank you.

OP posts:
ThreeForAPound · 18/05/2017 22:12

Fertility-wise...whats the prognosis?

I was the first of my friends to have a baby at 28. My best friends from school were 34, 36 and 38 when they had their first babies. Only the 38 yr old had issues, and it wasn't age related.

Original poster
bee123p · 18/05/2017 22:13

Hedda - should add, also a bit worried about PND, but this will probably be a risk for me whenever we go for it sadly.

Fruitcorner - thanks for your reply. This is another factor. Husband wants to have enough energy to run round with our kids. Our parents couldn't do this as had us much later in life.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 18/05/2017 22:15

Travel for 6 months, and shag like rabbits for the last 6 weeks.

I travelled alone for 9 months when I was 25 and it was incredible. I had my first DS when I was a few weeks shy of 32.

I would always travel before children if possible, especially if you're really into activities and adrenaline stuff. It's infinitely harder with young kids (though not impossible) to do those kind of things with little ones in tow.

But the biggest thing for me about doing it without kids is that you can be totally and utterly selfish about your time. Arrive in a place after 12 hours and don't like it? You can just book a train/bus/flight and leave. With kids and jet lag, having to consider their needs would be a drag.

Original poster
bee123p · 18/05/2017 22:15

ThreeForAPound - I don't know exactly yet. Can't say much more without being at risk of outing myself. But it's a risk, and it's on my mind. May know more soon. I genuinely don't know what to do!

OP posts:
beekeeper17 · 18/05/2017 22:16

I went travelling for a year when I was 27, absolutely amazing experience and would highly recommend it. Started a family later in my thirties.

My advice is to go travelling. You're still young. And you've already met your partner and are married so you don't need to factor in the time spent meeting someone, getting engaged, married etc. So if you started trying for a baby near the end of your travels, and you fell pregnant quickly, you could feasibly go travelling and have a baby all within the next couple of years, if that's what you want.

Original poster
bee123p · 18/05/2017 22:23

Thanks Stroke. I tend to preplan everything, but that freedom you speak of central to what we do. Couldn't spend a whole day in the water or on bikes in the baking heat with a very young child. And I'm prepared to sacrifice that when it feels right. But I keep putting it off. It feels like the time to do something I actually want to do. But I don't know exactly what that is any more.

Thanks Beekeeper, you're absolutely right. If I stop stalling, there's time to do both with any luck. Need to be bold.

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 18/05/2017 22:27

Travel, of course.

You're in your late 20s, not your late 30s when the decision might become a more difficult one. There's still plenty of time for you to have children.

Having children in your 30s is standard now.

blue2014 · 18/05/2017 22:29

Travel for 8 months or so, that's a long time to travel but not so long in terms of having kids.

I say travel. Your entire world changes once the babies come - I'll never be carefree (if that's the right word) again.

Being a mum is the best thing that's ever ever happen to me. It took 3 years and IVf and I'm 38 now.

Still, I say travel. Travel is temporary, children are forever

badgersnotincluded · 18/05/2017 22:31

Been there! I chose travel. I liked it so much I never went home. Now, in my early 40's, I'm pregnant.

badgersnotincluded · 18/05/2017 22:32

Whatever you decide, OP, there will be days when you regret your choice. Maybe look at what you will regret most of you don't do it? As a PP suggested - there's nothing to stop you from travelling with children!