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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to answer the 'how many others' question?

108 replies

Namechange2417 · 02/04/2017 07:40

Name change for this thread as it's a bit personal

So basically I've just started seeing someone new and as part of the getting to know each other conversation he asked how many other people I've slept with.

I don't really know what a normal number is but I know my number is pretty high compared to my closest friends so I wasn't comfortable telling him

So I told him I wasn't going to answer that and he pushed a bit then left it so I thought that was the end of it. Then last night he asked again. I said I thought we had already had that conversation and he said so it's that many is it?

I don't know if I should of told him or not what do people think?

Have people been in a similar situation and what did you do?

What is a normal number or a high number?

Should I be worried he even asked or is that quite normal?

Thanks :-)

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 02/04/2017 07:42

There is no normal.

Dp and i have been together 6 years and never discussed it - never felt the need to.
Tell him you're old enough to have had a life before him and that he should appreciate that.

Justanothernameonthepage · 02/04/2017 07:44

I wouldn't be worried he asked - some people are open about things like that (although I would be put off by it). I would be really worried that he kept pushing for an answer even after you said no. That's a clear example of someone who doesn't think that boundaries you put in place count.

Guitargirl · 02/04/2017 07:45

I have no idea what a 'normal' number is. I couldn't even tell you mine to be honest Blush.

I think in some relationships people like to ask this question. But you have said you don't want to answer and the fact that he's pushing you on this would be a red flag for me. It's really none of his business.

Sunnysidegold · 02/04/2017 07:46

Has he told you what his number is?? I think he was rude to push it a second time when you made it clear you weren't going to answer and his comment about it being "that many" is just rude. I have a bigger number than my friends but that's because they've only slept with their respective husbands. His persistence in this line of conversation would annoy me I think. If the relationship is at a stage where sex is a possibility then surely a more important conversation is about contraception or sti testing rather than a number.

Ampersand22 · 02/04/2017 07:47

I think it's a weird question to ask. Nobody has ever asked it of me, and I have never asked it.

What worries me is that after saying you didn't want to discuss it, he brings it up again. He not only sounds insecure, he sounds like he doesn't care about your right not to talk about something intimate and he has bust right through your boundary. You just started seeing him. Red flag.

I fear it would be too many people for his liking whatever the number.

MetalMidget · 02/04/2017 07:48

I've been with my husband for over ten years. He's never asked me. I've never asked him. Why? Because it's irrelevant.

AngelaKardashian · 02/04/2017 07:48

I think it's rude when men ask that question. Why do they need to know? Does it make them view you differently, as if you're tarnished if you've slept with a certain amount of men? I'd see that as a red flag and run for the hills.

Original poster
Namechange2417 · 02/04/2017 07:49

I nearly told him last night and thought well if he doesn't like it that answers the question but I decided not to.

To answer a couple of the other questions

We have already slept together it was something he asked a while after the 1st time

No he hasn't told me his number but I didn't ask

OP posts:
ClopySow · 02/04/2017 07:50

It's no-one elses business. I'd find someone pushing to know really off putting.

Imbroglio · 02/04/2017 07:51

Don't answer if you don't want to. There isn't a 'right' number of people to have slept with and it would worry me that if he needs to ask, whatever you say will play on his mind and he'll want to probe further.

skerrywind · 02/04/2017 07:51

OH and I have been together 20 years and never discussed it.

In fact I don't even know how many men I have had sex with, I never kept a tally. It's double figures, that's all I know.

Unimportant. I have only had sex with my OH in the past 20 years and that's the important thing.

boolifooli · 02/04/2017 07:51

DH has never asked me. I'd be put off by being asked that question especially after I'd made it clear I wasn't going to answer it as it might suggest he's a bit controlling or jealous.

LemonSqueezy0 · 02/04/2017 07:52

If he's pushed this again, after you made it clear you'd prefer not to discuss numbers, it clearly really matters to him. That's a bit of a red flag - he's obviously got a number in mind that's 'acceptable'.... Could you see a future with a person like that? I couldn't..

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/04/2017 07:52

Your sexual history is your business and no one else's. If you want to tell someone you can, but you're not obligated to do so.

If concerned about sexual history re STIs, the easiest thing is to have a joint trip to a GUM clinic to both get tested.

There is no "normal". What would he even do with the information? What if you said 0? Or 500? I don't see it's relevance apart from the issue above which can be easily resolved.

I've never told DH and he's never told me. I don't want to think about him with other women - I know he's had sex with other women and it's none of my business nor something I would like to dwell on.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/04/2017 07:52

DP and I have told each other but only because we were comfortable to do so.

If you aren't, then he doesn't have a right to know.

SignoraStronza · 02/04/2017 07:53

He's pushy. Sounds like the potential to be a controlling, jealous arse - I'd run for the hills if I were you.
DH has never asked me. He knows it's a fair amount (we've known each other on and off since I was a teenager), but doesn't know the half of what I got up to. I've never asked him either, although knew some of his gfs. Neither of us is that interested.

By the way, the stock answer when I was younger was 'less than Madonna, more than the queen'.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/04/2017 07:53

I've been with my dh for 10 years and we've never asked each other. Seems like an immature question to me.

Original poster
Namechange2417 · 02/04/2017 07:54

Signora ha I like that comment- how many is Madonna though?

OP posts:
Footle · 02/04/2017 07:55

If you tell him and he thinks it's a lot , what then? Will he use it against you in some way, at some point? I wouldn't want to see him again actually.

LindyHemming · 02/04/2017 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouKout · 02/04/2017 07:56

He sounds like a dick, sorry

Interestingangelfish · 02/04/2017 07:58

Agree with PPs - I'd never ask or expect to be asked, in a mature relationship (I do remember it being more of an issue when I was much younger - first relationships in late teens, even very early twenties). The fact that he didn't even simply ask in an off-the-cuff moment, but wants to know badly enough to return to it, would be very off-putting to me.
You could tell him a massively high number and see how he reacts? Presumably this is his point - doesn't want it to be too many? (Why?)
Or could it be the thought of you with others is exciting to him? If so, how do you feel about that?

RainbowChasing · 02/04/2017 07:59

It really doesn't matter how many people you've slept with and if you don't won't to answer this question then he needs to accept that and not keep pushing. I'm 36 and I've been with my dh for 12 years but if I hadn't met him until, say, 30, and I'd lost my virginity at 16 then it's quite feasible that I may have slept with 2-4 men a year for 14 years and have slept with between 28-56 people. That might sound a lot to you (or not) but when you think that's over 14 years it suddenly doesn't mean a whole lot. A number means nothing and you have nothing to be worried about and you certainly don't need to be pressured into revealing "your number".

FruitBadger · 02/04/2017 08:00

I have been asked this question and, personally, I didn't mind answering. I have since married the person who asked it and I felt at the time the question came from a feeling of "insecurity" in a new relationship and after 5 years of marriage I know DH well enough to say that was definitely why he asked.

There is no right number... but there is probably a number he is or isn't comfortable with and he shouldn't have asked you a second time when you said you weren't going to answer.

I do like the Four Weddings and a Funeral line though "Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di" Grin

Ampersand22 · 02/04/2017 08:00

If you have sudden feelings of guilt about your number, that you previously didn't have before the question was asked, I'd end this because he's already doing a job on your self esteem.

And fwiw, I've slept with more than my fair share because I was unmarried until I was 42, and I guess since my DH was unmarried until he was 46, so has he. It is not a problem, I don't even think about it. None of all the many men I've shagged, lol, has ever asked me, I consider it a very very weird question.