AIBU not to answer the 'how many others' question?

[Namechange2417]

Name change for this thread as it's a bit personal

So basically I've just started seeing someone new and as part of the getting to know each other conversation he asked how many other people I've slept with.

I don't really know what a normal number is but I know my number is pretty high compared to my closest friends so I wasn't comfortable telling him

So I told him I wasn't going to answer that and he pushed a bit then left it so I thought that was the end of it. Then last night he asked again. I said I thought we had already had that conversation and he said so it's that many is it?

I don't know if I should of told him or not what do people think?

Have people been in a similar situation and what did you do?

What is a normal number or a high number?

Should I be worried he even asked or is that quite normal?

Thanks :-)

[KC225]

I have never been asked as a grown up. Been with DH for 13 years and never discussed it. We talk about past relationships as in 'when I was with...... ' we went to etc., in an anecdotal way but never numbers. I would find it rude and intrusive. I had no idea anyone over 20 did this and assumed it was just the stuff of American sitcoms 'roseanne, sex & the city and friends'

[Llanali]

Hmm I think at 18-21 ish it was something I was asked and asked in return....

For the record, mine is double figures, less than 40 I would imagine, and yes, on occasion more than one at once
It's also "exactly the number I want it to be at this moment"
. Which is how I would answer.

My husband and I have often giggled over "numbers". His is triple digits, but no idea exactly what. Neither does he know; it just doesn't matter!

The key, is that for each of us, in our 9 year relationship the answer is "1".

[Maverickismywingman]

....I have asked this question.
I DID ask because I was insecure.
I asked and knew I probably wasn't going to like the answer.

But my DP just kind of said it wasn't any of my business and that he was with me now and I would be the only person he would be sleeping with. He was actually pretty great about it.

Everyone has a past. You don't need to bring it to your future. And if he keeps asking, then he doesn't respect that you've said no.

[Botanicbaby]

Agree with others, heed the warning signs. He sounds awful.

None of his business & whether it's 1 or 100 is neither here nor there. The fact he persisted and brought it up again shows his immaturity & rudeness. He's not thinking of you.

[Singlelady]

Op whatever your number is, is perfectly fine should you have had 5 or 50 previous partners. Your a consenting adult. I would maybe ask him why he is so intent on knowing. Is it insecurity about his own number? Concerns about sexual health? Just being a nosey arse? Does he want to be judge?

I would find the importance he is putting on it off putting. Especially if he's tagging meaning and passing judgement on a number.

[todayshey]

I don't know really. Personally I would think it was important to know BUT he's jumped into bed with you first so can hardly claim he's all high and moral.

Anything more than 2 is high to me because i'm a boring old fart!

[TomaytoTomahto]

It's a very immature question to ask IMO.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

OP, don't give this guy any ammunition for his gun, I have a feeling he would use it against you later.
In my opinion, he's disrespectful, and there can be no love, without respect, they go hand in hand.
As posters in happy relationships have said, their partners never asked, because on the grand scale of things, it doesn't matter.
Lose him, you are young, move on and find a better man. 😄

[lottieandmia]

YANBU - it shouldn't matter. I agree it's an immature question to ask and it wouldn't occur to me to ask it tbh.

[WhooooAmI24601]

DH and I have been together for 10 years and it's never come up. Surely if you need to ask stuff like that or if your OH needs to ask it's a sign that the past matters more than the present.

[ButtercupChain]

I have to echo what the others say; I would find it really off putting if someone asked me this, especially so early on in the relationship. Why does he want to know? Very bizarre. What if you say 150 men? How is he going to feel about that?

Or is he hoping you will say he is the first?

Very weird, and I would not be telling him. I would tell him it's personal and private.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

It was a normal question to ask in my youth, almost a rite of passage in an early relationship. But, that was then and now is now, and now, I wouldn't ask or answer it. As time goes on the question becomes irrelevant.

So irrelevant that I don't know the number myself :)

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

It's non of his bloody business & the fact he's asked again after you said you didn't want to discuss it speaks volumes about the type of person he is.

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

The fact that he's asked you this question again despite the fact that he knows it made you uncomfortable the first time he asked it, tells you everything you need to know about him. He's hoisting up his judgey pants in readiness.

He's already disrespecting your personal space - kick him into touch.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I started going out with Dh at 19 (he was a couple of years older) and we did discuss it. I think it is normal to discuss it at that age and could probably tell you the answer for most of my university friends at that age. I also think I discussed it with a few people that I kissed - it was a way of judging expectations I think. (My total was small but existent - so I guess I was saying "I'm not going to have a one night stand but if this carries on then at some point I would like to have sex. Are either of these things not comfortable to you" without saying it.) But if you are already sleeping together then slightly different.

Although - then again - I am surprised at how many people think it is irrelevant - in the early days of our relationship Dh and I discussed everything - I know the names of his childhood pets, the details of the Lego games he and his brother used to play, his first kiss, his favourite TV show when he was six, his best friend when he was 9, the teacher he was scared of at 12, you name it, we discussed it in those early days when even a Lego hospital was fascinating. Sexual experience was part of that.

[birdsdestiny]

I think to ask once at your age is not uncommon. But to ask again is really weird. He sounds very insecure.

[Graphista]

Doesn't matter really what we did or didn't tell our partners, or how many is too many. YOU don't want to tell him and that's your right.

That said I did have this discussion when I was your age when dinosaurs roamed with people I was in relationships with. But they never pushed, it was generally lighthearted and usually stimulated by a tv or film storyline or general discussion on sex.

Numbers tell him nothing anyway! When I met my now exh my 'number' was low but I'd had a lot more sexual experience than him because I'd been in long sexually adventurous relationships. He had a high number but was crap in bed sexually inexperienced.

My number now is quite high, only a few close friends I trust know how high (and that like a pp inc more than one at a time on occasion) But for several years after divorce I was celibate!

I suspect IF you answered (which I don't think you should) there would then be a stream of other questions -

Who was the best
Who has the biggest dick
What did you do

None of his business! I'd bin him off!

At your age - stick to people who are confident and fun this guy definitely isn't!

This time in your life is for having fun, not being judged and pressured.

[HerBluebiro]

How is he defining it?

Does he want just piv? Or all the times you have had contact with someone's genitals? Or all the times you have been in love? Does he want to know any women you have had sex with (eliminates the piv bit).

The number is meaningless. Both get checked for stis and if you like him find out why he wants to know.

When I was younger it mattered to me. I don't know why. I now can't remember if dp told me or not. I think it was a fear that I was relatively sexually inexperienced and dp would miss all those other women who knew what they were doing.

Him pushing you when you don't want to say could be a red flag. Or could just be immaturity. Smacks of a lack of confidence on his part

[Toobloodytired]

Op, just lie.

I'm on a very high number, however, in the past when I've been asked (I view it as very normal to be asked, maybe my age?? I don't know) I've simply said 8.

Why 8?? It's a nice round number, not too high to be judged & not too low for it not to be believable (apparently I "look" like a woman who's been with countless men)

Although the convo has always come up time & time again after which I then raise the number, when they question it, I lie & say I never said that number

[blackteasplease]

I had a relationship during the past year that lasted about eight months. Not once in that time did either of us ask how many the other had slept with. We parted not knowing this about each other (obviously discussions about sexual health are necessary, although we used condoms thoughout but no need to talk numbers).

[blackteasplease]

I also wonder whether it only means piv or can include, as pp put it, all contact with genitals. Mine would be a lot higher if the latter than the former (former is a bit embarrassingly low tbh).

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

To the right bloke it won't matter. I've had around 50-60. DH has never asked. I suspect he's had a lot less

[SingingSilver]

If he's pushing you on this, it's something he intends to judge you on - if your number isn't right for him. If he didn't care he wouldn't ask.

I wouldn't appreciate a partner deciding my value as a human being based on how many people I'd had sex with.

[Meekonsandwich]

The thing is no matter what you say he's going to judge you for it? If you said a low number he might think you're inexperienced and maybe prude/hard work whereas if you say a higher number he might think you sleep around,

If he wasn't going to judge you he wouldn't have asked twice!! He wants to know for a reason.

Either stick to your guns and say it was before I met you and it has literally no bearing on the relationship.
Or own it and proudly state your number and if he's a dick about it you've saved yourself a lot of time.

[haveacupoftea]

Is he 17?? No one asks that question as an adult in a relationship

Insecurity is not a desirable trait in a partner, nor is lack of respect for privacy or boundaries. Next he'll be asking for a list of names and checking to see if those names are still in your phone.