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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to answer the 'how many others' question?

108 replies

Namechange2417 · 02/04/2017 07:40

Name change for this thread as it's a bit personal

So basically I've just started seeing someone new and as part of the getting to know each other conversation he asked how many other people I've slept with.

I don't really know what a normal number is but I know my number is pretty high compared to my closest friends so I wasn't comfortable telling him

So I told him I wasn't going to answer that and he pushed a bit then left it so I thought that was the end of it. Then last night he asked again. I said I thought we had already had that conversation and he said so it's that many is it?

I don't know if I should of told him or not what do people think?

Have people been in a similar situation and what did you do?

What is a normal number or a high number?

Should I be worried he even asked or is that quite normal?

Thanks :-)

OP posts:

ShatterResistant · 02/04/2017 08:01

I think now that he's pushed it, the answer to this is "it's irrelevant, I don't want to discuss it, and if you bring it up again I won't be seeing you anymore." It's none of his business, and I agree with PPs that repeated asking points to a controlling streak, and a value assessment of women based on how "sullied" they are. Deeply unattractive.

Tootsiepops · 02/04/2017 08:02

A man who is content with himself doesn't need to know, nor do I think would care about something so silly. He sounds quite insecure and probably has sexist attitudes about what he considers appropriate behaviour for women.

I'd get out now. Seriously.

CookieWarbler · 02/04/2017 08:04

Hmm, I've certainly been asked this in the past when much younger (and when I could still keep tally!) and it didn't occur to me to mind.
However roll on a few years and now it would set alarm bells ringing why someone wants to know this and the fact he's asked more than once is suspicious. There's no reason anyone needs to know this, I suspect he has a view on how many is 'acceptable' and that tells you a great deal about how he views women. It might (clutches at straws) be innocent curiosity but I'd bet my mortgage it's not. Sorry. Better to find out at this stage who he is than a year down the line.

Original poster

Namechange2417 · 02/04/2017 08:04

Rainbow - this is my worry. That doesn't seem a lot to me and my number is more than 2-4 a year. But I know it would seem a lot to some people and that's where the whole thing about not wanting to say comes from. Is 2-4 a year a lot, not many? I have no idea! x

OP posts:

Ampersand22 · 02/04/2017 08:07

The point is, OP that the number doesn't matter. The number was right for you. It's none of his business. He's already got you wondering and comparing with others if you're a slag in his eyes or not.

NapQueen · 02/04/2017 08:08

Id be demanding he tell me why it was important to him! Honestly why on earth would he want to know unless he wants to use that knowledge for something.

Original poster

Namechange2417 · 02/04/2017 08:10

Ampersand yes I know it isn't really something I thought a lot about.

Is it worth breaking up over though or do I either leave it or tell him and leave it to him whether he has an issue or not?

OP posts:

ImYourMama · 02/04/2017 08:10

The number is irrelevant as you didn't see the significance to count but your new chap does. DH never asked me because it's irrelevant but I asked him after 6 months of being together (quite flippantly) and he told me immediately. If he'd not wanted to say I wouldn't have asked again and concentrated on our new relationship together

mistermagpie · 02/04/2017 08:10

I couldn't, off the top of my head, tell you my own 'number' (it's not loads though) and don't think I have ever asked my husband his (I could surmise it's not loads either but probably more than me). I think it's a bit childish to ask someone to be honest. As an adult it could be none to hundreds depending on their circumstances, but that doesn't really tell you anything meaningful about them as a person. If he really wants to know I would be asking why it matters, and bearing in mind that for the people who ask this type of question, there always seems to be a 'right' answer. I think this says more about them than a number says about you.

ShatterResistant · 02/04/2017 08:11

Is 2-4 a year a lot, not many? I have no idea! x
It doesn't matter, it really doesn't. FWIW, I don't know how many I've slept with. I've had an interesting life, and I'm nearly 40. But again, I've only slept with my DH since we've been together, and that's all that matters.

FWIW, how many people I've slept with is literally the least interesting thing about me, and I bet it is about you too. Ask him to talk about something else, FGS...

PetyrBaelish · 02/04/2017 08:12

Well when you're 16-early 20s it can be an okay question to ask - what if your partner had very limited sexual experience? You might want to know that to make them feel more comfortable. If you do it over 25 though it seems a bit more like an impurity tally, especially to ask so early on.

mistermagpie · 02/04/2017 08:12

Sorry my 'it's not loads' comment above sounds judgey when I read it back, I just mean that it shouldn't be that hard to tally up but I've never really done that because it doesn't matter.

icanteven · 02/04/2017 08:12

Is he really young? I can't imagine a conversation like that even cropping up after about 21, because realistically, you could be 45 and having sex a near-monastic once a year ever since breaking up with the father of your child at 20 and you'd have 25 people.

It seems really immature and inappropriate for an adult to ask that of another in the context of being in a sexual relationship. Ask him if he's also looking for the phone numbers of all the men you have had sex with so that he can wave his cock at them "I'm fucking her now, so RAAAAHHHH!!!" or something. Because that's the only "logical" reason he could want to know.

ShatterResistant · 02/04/2017 08:13

If he really wants to know I would be asking why it matters, and bearing in mind that for the people who ask this type of question, there always seems to be a 'right' answer. I think this says more about them than a number says about you.

Completely agree with this. Beautifully put.

Original poster

Namechange2417 · 02/04/2017 08:13

A couple of people have said it is more common with younger people- I'm 19 and he is a bit older. Does that make a difference?

OP posts:

Ampersand22 · 02/04/2017 08:15

You never really thought about it a lot and now you are. I would break up over this, yes. No I wouldn't bother explaining to him why this is a no-no, people so weird and insecure are never worth the explanation. I would be general and vague in ending it. As clean and swiftly as possible.

I think it points to some big insecurity and control issues, and practically everyone else has said same.

You are feeling shame about it and have even name changed, because it's "a bit personal". Yeah it is really personal and you shouldn't feel like you have to defend your past from some little creep like him. Jesus, entitled much?

Run as fast as you can.

skerrywind · 02/04/2017 08:16

Ye I think age does make a difference.

As you mature some things become less important- like "what's your favourite colour"- important for kids, less so for adults.

Same with number of sexual partners.

At 19 I knew exactly how many sexual partners I had. At 35, no, because it was no longer important.

Original poster

Namechange2417 · 02/04/2017 08:16

Thanks Ampersand you aren't the only one on here to say that

OP posts:

isthistoonosy · 02/04/2017 08:17

I wanted to have this discussion with my OH and it came from my own insecurities rather than wanting to judge him. He just said he didnt know and we left it there.
Its the pushing for the answer that os weird unless he is very young of course.

Ampersand22 · 02/04/2017 08:18

When I was 19, my boyfriends were also around 19-22, nobody ever asked me.

As long as you're keeping yourself safe and not hurting anyone or yourself, you can sleep with whoever the fuck you like.

DonaldStott · 02/04/2017 08:19

What the fuck has it got to do with him??

Is he generally a nosey bastard, or does he just want to judge if you're worthy of his knob.

Get shut.

New relationship and he is already got you questioning yourself.

Guitargirl · 02/04/2017 08:19

Given your ages then I would say there's a bit of a difference yes. I remember having that conversation at that age.

BUT what doesn't change is the fact that it's unacceptable for him to keep pushing you for an answer. That's not ok. As pp have pointed out, he already has you questioning your own sexual history. That's not ok. I would make it clear to him that he has crossed a boundary and then I would think seriously about whether I wanted to continue seeing him depending on his response to that.

zen1 · 02/04/2017 08:20

I don't think your age does make a difference. It's your business and I can't see why it's important to him or why he's pushing for an answer. I think it's very off-putting.

Ampersand22 · 02/04/2017 08:22

DonaldStott fpmsl. YES YES

00100001 · 02/04/2017 08:23

If he asks again, ask him why He wants to know?

Or just tell him it's 5472

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