To feel like I've failed and raised horrible children

[Justalittlelemondrizzle]

My dd's (8 & 9) attitudes have got progressively worse over the last year. They have no respect, they treat me like rubbish. They don't listen to me, use my car and the house as a bin, constantly answer me back, fight with eachother every ten minutes and expect me to run around and clean up after them. Today my eldest said she hated me three times in as many hours. My youngest said she was going to kill me twice. I wasn't nagging them or anything I just called them down for their tea.
I really don't know where I have gone wrong, i've taught them respect and they know I expect it. Dh is a pushover and constantly undermines me when I try to punish them. They wrap him round their little finger which then impacts on our relationship. It can't carry on but I've run out of ideas and only see it getting worse if something doesn't drastically change. It's making me depressed and as a result I've started to give up on them and just feel like i'm going through the motions at the moment.
Any advice?

What happens when they show disrespect? What did you do about one saying he would kill you, for example?

What did you do when your child said they were going to kill you? If my child said something so horrible I would be removing access to tablet/TV as well as giving a time out for them to think about what they've said and would continue until I had a proper apology.

You're not a failure OP.

My dd are 10+11.

You need dh on the same parenting page or you are effectively wasting your time trying to gain any respect. .My dh is their step dad and we had lots of discussions about what I expected from him ( and them) in terms of relationship /discipline etc. Maybe you need to have a serious chat with your dh ASAP.

It sounds to me like this is your husband's failing rather than yours .

Why does he undermine you and let them get away with this ?

They are learning from him that this is how you deserve to be treated .

This is shockingly bad behaviour. I wonder if things have got to a point where you are minimising it. If any of my children said they hated me or were going to kill me it would be such a huge incident i would likely keep them off school the following day to work things out. My husband would take a day off work to address it as a family.

Ps I agree with PPs about your partner.

I have nothing left to take off them cardi they're already grounded and have lost technology from previous incidents. They've nothing else to lose and they don't even care.
Dh won't listen to me. He says i'm too strict (by his non-existent standards). He's right and i'm wrong and the kids know it.

Their behaviour is telling you that there's something very very wrong indeed in the household. Do you & DH get on well otherwise? Do they like him?

I also agree that it's your dh. He needs to start backing you up and stop being such a pushover.
Does he generally speak to you rudely? Is he normally disrespectful? How do you treat each other?
They are learning how to communicate from you and dh.

When they act up just walk away. Let him deal with them. .
He sounds a bloody nightmare tbh.

This is so sad. Does your DH not care when your children say they want to kill you?

On mothers day (laugh - they were hurrendous) we baked cakes. Dd1 had a meltdown because she wanted to stir and I said dd2 could first as dd1 had put the eggs and water in etc. She kicked off so u sent her away. She then missed out on stiring the cake mix because of her behaviour and for handling the situation wrong. He said I was "tight" and had gone to far and what I did wouldn't teach her anything. I tried to explain why she missed out on it and he refused to listen.

Are you too strict? Too many sanctions can cause conflict too.

Yes tell their father to step up or butt out of parenting. Decide what is unacceptable, what can slip and how you'd like your children to be. Set ground rules with set sanctions. Start making them understand consequences. Your husband can undermine to an extent but you can say you pick up the rubbish dropped before you get in my car again - or better still no eating, drinking in the car.
Make them clear the table and if they don't they get their dirty plate next time. Give them a laundry bag and tell them if they don't deliver their dirty clothes to washing machine, they'll have dirty clothes.
Set a time for meals, one call. Any rudeness or tardiness put their meal in the bin.
It doesn't have to last long but you have to stop allowing yourself to be a doormat. Try not to make it entirely punitive but give them a day each week when they help you cook supper, or do the washing. Laundry can be a nice time to chat as you hang sheets out.
Do a chores rota.

Yes everything else is fine. Dh and I have a great relationship despite this but all this seems to be taking over life at the minute.

If I put their food in the bin they wouldn't eat. They don't like eating and take about an hour to eat a small meal. But that's a whole other thread

You can turn this around but only if your DH is not continually undermining you - why should your children have any respect for you or what you say if Dad's only going to say you're wrong? So he's your issue, not the kids - who are young enough that this can change. Don't lose heart - this is fixable.

Does their school have a Parent Support Advisor (or someone with a similar name?). The school office will know. Have a chat with her/him, ask about parenting courses - there are lots of really good ones. Or you can even do the Solihull course online - it's had very good feedback. But your DH needs to be on board with all this.

I agree, let him deal with them.

You haven't failed. Be nice to yourself. You're a mum, its shit sometimes and you feel like it'll never get easier but it will. Tomorrows another day, can you get a bath and an early night and a bit of time to yourself? My 4 can be horrendous at times, they're particularly good at tag teaming. My 13 year old DD is being awful at the moment. Rude, disrespectful and no amount of consequences seem to be getting me anywhere but I stick to my guns, try not to make empty threats and follow through with punishments and the only way I can do this without tearing my eyes out and painting a mural dedicated to the ordeal that is parenting with my own blood is to take time out, even if its ten minutes locked in the bathroom with a book. If I recharge my batteries I feel able to carry on.

In the long term this needs to be addressed with your husband. You need to present a united front Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

Thinking of you

Re the cakes - did you send her away for the rest of the cake making, as in the rest of the entire thing?

Or just a time out for 5 mins followed by apology and then back to normal?

Because I personally think the first scenario is overly harsh tbh.

This is odd. Aged 8 and 9, they should be well past tantrums and the like. I can only imagine that your consequences aren't harsh enough? I mean, have you ever gone absolutely bat shit at them, for this stuff? Fuck all this "you can't shout at children" brigade. If your kids ever spoke to me like this, they'd only do it once.

I sent her away until she calmed down and was ready to apologise for her behaviour. It turned out that she didn't calm down until we had put the cakes in the oven. I gave her plenty of opportunities to come back.

That's not harsh at all then. Your DH needs to learn that being a parent is about making tough decisions in order to teach children good behaviour. It's easy for him to not get involved in that and just let the kids do what they want. No wonder they see you as the bad guy.

While he's the saint in their eyes. If your relationships good in other ways can you sit down and tell him he needs to stop undermining you and start backing you up?

Do you do any positive parenting. Or are you all about the negative?

Kids switch off to the moaning eventually - they feel they can't win.