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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I've failed and raised horrible children

84 replies

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/03/2017 20:11

My dd's (8 & 9) attitudes have got progressively worse over the last year. They have no respect, they treat me like rubbish. They don't listen to me, use my car and the house as a bin, constantly answer me back, fight with eachother every ten minutes and expect me to run around and clean up after them. Today my eldest said she hated me three times in as many hours. My youngest said she was going to kill me twice. I wasn't nagging them or anything I just called them down for their tea.
I really don't know where I have gone wrong, i've taught them respect and they know I expect it. Dh is a pushover and constantly undermines me when I try to punish them. They wrap him round their little finger which then impacts on our relationship. It can't carry on but I've run out of ideas and only see it getting worse if something doesn't drastically change. It's making me depressed and as a result I've started to give up on them and just feel like i'm going through the motions at the moment.
Any advice?

OP posts:

GreenPeppers · 30/03/2017 20:41

You first have a DH problem before having a DC problem TBH.

They are acting like this because they know that their father will be supporting them and that you can't be as strict as you would like and need to be.
Dd1 behaviour with the cake is one thing. I would have handled it in a similar way TBH.
But the rest is just
Is your DH really happy for his dcs to rest you like this? Is he happy to be treated like that (I'm assuming that they behave just as appallingly with him)?

Atenco · 30/03/2017 20:42

Are you too strict? Too many sanctions can cause conflict too

Well, I was a single parent, but I found that there were times when punishments didn't work, as my dd no longer loved me. Then I had to turn the situation around and win her love and respect back. Don't lose sight of the end game here, OP. Your children and you have got to the point where you don't love them and they don't love you. Ease up on the sanctions and get their love back. Otherwise it can be a vicious circle.

ImperialBlether · 30/03/2017 20:43

Could you find out if there are any parenting classes locally? You can't give up on them. His way of doing it clearly isn't working - does he really think it is?

ImperialBlether · 30/03/2017 20:44

What are they like in school?

Esspee · 30/03/2017 20:45

I think you need a weekend away on your own. Leave your OH in charge and see how he copes. There is something seriously wrong and it needs to be nipped in the bud. Either you or your husband is at fault and now is the time to get to the bottom of the problem. Children need boundaries, fair and consistent with both parents in agreement.

counterpoint · 30/03/2017 20:45

Don't bin their uneaten food. Store it in the fridge and serve it up again next day.

robinia · 30/03/2017 20:45

Agree with pp, if you and dh are not on the same page then you are unlikely to see any improvement.
Does dh think it's acceptable that they behave in this way?

Blackbird82 · 30/03/2017 20:46

Your husband is encouraging their vile behaviour by pandering to them and undermining you. You need to be a united front and they need some tough love.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 30/03/2017 20:47

Have a look at the ahaparenting website. I've found it really useful.

It focusses on how to be connected to your children and is about positive parenting.

Before you take any steps though, you need dh on your side.

missymayhemsmum · 30/03/2017 20:47

If they are kicking off at 'authority', can you establish family rules? eg everyone helps with housework, no rubbish on the floor/in the car, no screaming and hitting, please and thankyous, etc etc etc? Maybe set the rules with your DH and ask the kids if they think anything there is actually unreasonable?
Lay it on the line to your daughters (and your DH) that you don't expect them to take abuse and disrespect, and you won't take it either. Try to make it less 'if you don't stop I'll take x away' and more 'in this family that's not how we behave'

Check the usual checklist too- is everyone getting enough sleep, good nutrition, enough exercise and being thanked when they do the right things?

runningLou · 30/03/2017 20:48

I see this a bit differently. DD did this last year, age 8. Using shocking language, no punishments having any impact. I was at my wits' end. I did a parenting course which made me see things a bit differently. If they are rude and badly behaved, and you punish and tell them off constantly, they get the impression you don't like them and are ruder and meaner to get a reaction. They don't mean what they say but are old enough to know you won't ignore words like hate etc.
With DD I decided to ignore almost everything other than the rudeness which I couldn't stand. I was told on the course to have at least 10 minutes quality one to one time with each DC and let them chat about whatever was on their mind. I also started using 'I' sentences like 'I feel upset when you say things like ...' I love you lots and it hurts my feelings' etc.
I also tried to praise any tiny positive thing.
It may sound a bit wooly but they are still young enough that you can see an impact quite quickly. They aren't teenagers yet and you aren't their enemy - sometimes it's all just about getting attention or even a cuddle but they've forgotten how to ask like a little one would.
DD has come a long way in the last year and is now finally good company. It has been hard and I've felt like a pushover sometimes.
I agree DH needs to be onside and if there are house rules about behaviour you both need to sign up to them.

ThePiglet59 · 30/03/2017 20:49

You and their father need to discuss and AGREE what is acceptable behaviour from the girls.

It shouldn't just be a case of you setting the standards and him backing you up.

Once you agree on what is acceptable you can BOTH enforce the rules.
Kids of that age should not be speaking to their parents like that.

Summerhillsquare · 30/03/2017 20:50

Watched GP's Behind Closed Doors last night. The kindly doc's advice to a young fraught Mum was 'notice and praise any nice and kind behaviour. Turn away and try not to react to bad behaviour'. Simple and maybe worth a go?

Miniwookie · 30/03/2017 20:50

If they have no stuff left to take maybe they see no point in behaving. Do you think you could be too strict. With the cake incident, could you not have ignored the dd who was kicking off but continued to allow the other one to stir so that she was not gettin her way, but not being excluded as well. Do you talk to your DDs about how you feel when they say they hate you etc. Do you think the middle ground between you and dh might be a better place to be? He is out of order if he undermines you in front of the kids, but it's fine for him to discuss discipline with you later if he doesn't agree with what's happening at the moment.

MissMess · 30/03/2017 20:51

Poor children.
You cannot demabd respect.
You have got to earn it.
You sound way to strict.
Children are not a warzone, your task is not to crack them.
Agee with your husband - your way of dealing with things don't teach the girls anything, it only creates deeply rooted resentment.
Ease up, your way is, as you can see, not working.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/03/2017 20:52

Are there child development courses or some kind of counselling that you and your DH can take together, because you need to be a team.
family life shouldn't be a fight.

runningLou · 30/03/2017 20:52

For the eating etc, literally go back to a reward chart / pennies / pebbles in a jar. Reward can be age appropriate e.g. new app for tablet etc but they do respond.
Schools are still using reward systems for this age group.

Dragongirl10 · 30/03/2017 20:52

OP your DH is the problem you will never be able to effectively parent with his attitude.....in your shoes l would simply pack a bag and leave from Friday evening when he gets home until Monday morning when he has to go to work ... and let him have the responsibility alone, then try talking about your joint parenting plan.

My Dh and l agree together house rules away from the kids...the first rule is NEVER undermine each other in front of them, any disagreement is discussed privately and agreed or compromised on.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 30/03/2017 20:55

With the rules and expectations, get your dds to really understand why you have rules. It's not because you want to make their life a misery but the opposite, so you can have a happy home life.
Make sure they understand that you're not the enemy and you are on their side.

Crumbs1 · 30/03/2017 20:56

They'll eat enough. A nights hunger won't kill them if they're that rude. I do,think it can be cyclical. You need to reward the good too.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/03/2017 20:59

Firstly, being a parent isn't always easy, so don't be too hard on yourself.
You and your DH, need to start singing from the same hymn sheet, and work together.
Also, you don't need to give your daughter countless opportunities to stir the cake, you give her one. She'll soon learn.
Could they attend a martial arts class, to learn some self discipline, and use up some energy.
Can they swim ? If not, Could they learn.
How about letting them help to devise a menu for the week, then you'll know what they'll enjoy eating, within reason of course.
Do they have a bedtime, if not, they should have, for their benefit, and yours. Youngest gets ready first, giving eldest a slight privilege, if she abuses it, swap them round.
Take them to the library, get them interested in books, let them choose one.
They're young and pushing their luck, testing boundaries, push back OP, you have the upper hand.

kaitlinktm · 30/03/2017 21:00

Does he think that your children telling you they want to kill you or that they hate you is OK?

I agree with PP that you need to discuss this with him out of the children's hearing.

smilingsarahb · 30/03/2017 21:00

I'm sure your children are lovely. We all have days or stages where things aren't going well. Me and my DH have very different parenting styles and it's been so hard for both of us. My DH isn't willing, but would you and your partner consider doing a parenting course together. Not because one of you is wrong but to just get you on the same page. Wool are always saying how important it is not to undermine each other but that's so difficult to achieve of your feel fundamentally differently about how to tackle things.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/03/2017 21:01

DH likes to be Mr Popular and I felt that I was increasingly pushed into the bad guy role. My solution was to walk away and ask him to sort the behaviour problems out.

Long term, we have tried to compromise somewhere in the middle.

minniebear · 30/03/2017 21:02

I agree-leave him with sole responsibility for the children for long enough for the honeymoon period to wear off. If he's always the good cop, he's only ever seen the positives, while you mop up the rest. If he sees their true colours, he might well back you up.

In the meantime, remember they're still young and they're still learning, and you're doing the best you can. It does sound like perhaps they feel they have nothing left to lose? Your girls need you to be a strong leader, not a disciplinarian.

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