To feel like I've failed and raised horrible children

[Justalittlelemondrizzle]

My dd's (8 & 9) attitudes have got progressively worse over the last year. They have no respect, they treat me like rubbish. They don't listen to me, use my car and the house as a bin, constantly answer me back, fight with eachother every ten minutes and expect me to run around and clean up after them. Today my eldest said she hated me three times in as many hours. My youngest said she was going to kill me twice. I wasn't nagging them or anything I just called them down for their tea.
I really don't know where I have gone wrong, i've taught them respect and they know I expect it. Dh is a pushover and constantly undermines me when I try to punish them. They wrap him round their little finger which then impacts on our relationship. It can't carry on but I've run out of ideas and only see it getting worse if something doesn't drastically change. It's making me depressed and as a result I've started to give up on them and just feel like i'm going through the motions at the moment.
Any advice?

You and your DH need to go to parenting classes together or read some parenting books so that you can work together.

She's telling you that she wants to kill you because she isn't able to articulate what she's actually feeling. Some feelings are too big for little kids.

I personally think you need to stop disciplining and punishing them, it's clearly not working, and start talking and involving them in things instead of asking or nagging. For example my dsd is 8 too and instead of asking her to load the dishwasher I'll say it's family clean up time and all of us will clear up & she will do her bit and enjoy it. Similarly she's stopped talking back because there's no need really - I will explain why I want her to do (not do) certain things. It's working

The girls are very close in age which maybe isn't ideal. Do they get to spend any individual quality time with you at all?

My sis and I were only 13 months apart and it was awful.
The upset over not getting to stir the bowl sounds like she was enjoying doing things with you and lashed out when her sister got involved.

I believe that being constantly undermined as well is completely damaging and that absolutely needs to stop.

How about trying something completely radical?

Call a family meeting. Say family life is not working, the name calling and misbehaviour is making you very sad. You don't like the way you end up arguing with the three of them all the time.

Ask them to come up with a set of acceptable and unacceptable behaviours, and some rewards and sanctions. Negotiate any that are really not going to work- Disneyland trip for anyone who finishes their homework etc! Come up with a list of examples of rewards that might work, like choosing what is for tea, staying up an extra half hour etc.

Try it out for a couple of weeks, trying really hard not to shout, not to warn, not to issue ultimatums. Just remind them of the agreements and the sanctions.

See what happens.

DH needs to organise this with the girls though- he is just as much a part of the problem and needs to be part of the solution!!

Another vote for aha parenting here - I would really recommend it. The first thing it tells you to do is take care of your own emotions (it's a bit cheesy, yes. But I like it.). It says that basically, when you're in situations like you describe, you can start thinking things like what a terrible parent I am, and why doesn't my OH back me up etc, and why can't they just enjoy making these cakes or whatever it might be, and it becomes this massively loaded situation, when really it's just about what's happening in that moment with a little kid who can't regulate/articulate their emotions yet. I know it sounds a bit touchy feely but it's massively helped me and I feel family life is loads better now. I also did a Triple P parenting class which was offered by our local authority and that was quite good as well (most of it). So that could be worth looking into. Good luck OP, don't be too hard on yourself

They're children. They don't understand that you're important as them and have feelings like they do. They're not mature enough to understand this. Children are beautiful but selfish. Please don't become like my mum who acts like if me and my sister don't bring the washing in or leave a bowl by the sink ( tbf were 22 & 24) that it's disrepectful and we think she's a slave. We were busy, we didn't think, were used to it. They're not bad kids they just don't get it , please don't treat them or call them nasty or selfish because it breeds serious resentment.

OP, if there is a possibility that you perhaps are depressed and over anxious, please see your GP.
Also there is no shameon you and your DH, embarking on a parenting course. Thankfully in life, there are now courses for most subjects, for us all, should we wish to improve ourselves.