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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be obsessed with how DS spends his money?

82 replies

user1490432031 · 25/03/2017 09:15

I'm at a point where I'm tired of dealing with my ex-husband and his mother about this. DS is 28 - he has a very good job and he makes a lot of money. He has a lot of disposable income. He also likes to live a bit lavishly (his flat, his car, his clothes, holiday destinations, etc).

DS' dad and grandmother are constantly on his case about this. They say he should be much more frugal. And while I don't entirely disagree with them (buying a 800 quid bottle of wine is a bit too much) I don't think I can dictate what he do and what he shouldn't do with the money he earns. Last week, DS' dad outlined a monthly financial plan that he gave DS, and demanded he stick to schedule he outlined. They fell out over it. My ex-MIL called me and told me I should convince DS to follow his father's financial plan. I told her it's not my place to give DS a minute-by-minute plan on how he should spend his money. She said I was being unreasonable and that I was a "bad mother." I cut the phone.

I've spoken to DS before about the importance of financial security not only now, but for the future too. But I don't think it's my place to outline a minute by minute report on how he should spend every penny he makes. DS worked extremely hard at school and uni to get to the point he's at in his life. From childhood, his head was always buried in books. Of course he's my son so I'm not exactly going to be entirely objective, but I've never come across anyone as intelligent while also possessing a limitless work ethic. I figure he's smart enough to take care of himself - he's gotten this far.

OP posts:

pipsqueak25 · 25/03/2017 09:18

his earnings / money, can spend it how he wants, if he ends up in debt that's his business too, people mean well but can get over invested in other peoples choices in life. it sounds like he's doing ok for himself so why not, is there jealousy involved ?

rollonthesummer · 25/03/2017 09:18

I presume you are not with this man any more as you describe her as an ex MIL. In which case, you do not have to listen to either of them-they sound like over invested overbearing controlling arses!

I bet your son wet himself laughing when his dad demanded he followed his monthly financial plan!

PeridotPeridot · 25/03/2017 09:19

YANBU and your dh and MIL need to stay out of it.

I would only try and get involved to a greater degree if it was clear he had serious problems and was pissing money away whilst getting his house repossessed etc...but it would still need a more softly softly approach than producing a financial plan and insisting he stuck to it.

I'm 30 and would definitely fall out with my parents if they tried to give me some financial plan to stick to!

SaucyJack · 25/03/2017 09:20

You had me at "DS is 28."

GrumpyOldBlonde · 25/03/2017 09:21

Your son is a grown man and doing very well for himself, I guess you don't get to earn the kind of money that allows for £800 bottles of wine by being stupid, they should keep their noses out.

ememem84 · 25/03/2017 09:22

Was the £800 bottle of wine a joke???

But seriously he's a grown up. He earned it. He should be able to do what he likes with it.

I'd understand if maybe he owed your ex dp money and wasn't repaying it. But unless that's the case continue the way you are as let him get on with it. I'm a couple of years older than ds and would hate it if my parents started trying to instill a budget on me.

To be fair I'm not too fussed with the budget dh has put in place but if it means we can buy a house and get mortgage free by 45 it's worth doing.

Trumpssyrup · 25/03/2017 09:24

He's an adult! How would your exh feel about someone telling him how to run his life!

dowhatnow · 25/03/2017 09:24

He's 28.

blubberball · 25/03/2017 09:24

It's none of any body else's business at all. If he was going round to them, asking them to help him out of debt, or asking for handouts, then they might have a point. It's got fuck all to do with any body else.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 25/03/2017 09:25

How do they even know what he spends his money on though? I mean he's a grown man with his own home, it seems odd that they (or you I suppose) would know what his outgoings are. Unless he's telling them in which case I'd wonder is he boasting about his expensive stuff and possibly that kind of spending is unfamiliar and therefore worrying to them?

Is it possible that he's spending unwisely and then borrowing from them? Otherwise this level of involvement seems really odd!

SharkBastard · 25/03/2017 09:25

He's 28, the fuck has his spending got to do with his grandma and dad? Weird.

Stay well out of it, the only person it concerns is your son

Aderyn2016 · 25/03/2017 09:25

I think I would be concerned that if his circumstances changed and he no longer had a high income, that he wouldn't be able to adjust his spending or have any savings to fall back on. I hate to say it but I kind of think your ex is right.
Obviously, I get that your son is a grown man, has every right to spend his own money as he sees fit but the helicopter mum in me would worry about him getting into habits that are unsustainable long term and that £800 bottles of wine are a big chunk of a mortgage or savings payment.

That said, if you wildly disagree, you have every right to tell ex and mil to piss off - the upside of divorce is not having to listen to their opinions anymore.

ASDismynormality · 25/03/2017 09:26

YANBU, as long as he's not begging for money and then spending it frivolously. It sounds as if he's earning well and enjoying himself!

Original poster

user1490432031 · 25/03/2017 09:28

ememem - DS is a wine aficionado. He has a little collection.

pipssqueak - DS' relationship with his father has always been contentious. This isn't the first time they have butted heads. My ex husband can be a bit of a control freak (one of the reasons we divorced).

OP posts:

corythatwas · 25/03/2017 09:29

What CantSleep says. The fact that they even know about it is odd: at his age, nobody outside his own family (partner, children) should need to have that much of an insight into his life.

If he is telling them about £800 quid bottle purchases (or putting it on social media) then he needs to think about how he comes across to other people.

If they are having to bail him out, then that needs to stop pronto (and any loans paid back).

ASDismynormality · 25/03/2017 09:30

The only thing I would suggest to your son is not to discuss his finances with others - don't tell his family when he has made big purchases.

ememem84 · 25/03/2017 09:31

Ah that'd explain it then - personally I don't get the collecting wine thing would much rather drink it haha! but as I said each to their own. His job. His money. His spends.

I guess as long as he's paying his rent/mortgage/ bills etc then what he does with the rest is no ones business.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 25/03/2017 09:31

Maybe they have plans for his money?
Flash care home for mil?
Flash car for df?
Sounds like your ds is successful and they should just be proud of him!!

anotherpoisonprince · 25/03/2017 09:34

My adult DCs would laugh in my face it I expected to have any I'm put on their personal finances. Rightly so. Your ex is being weird.

Trills · 25/03/2017 09:39

You had me at "DS is 28."

I agree with SaucyJack

If a 28 yr old were on here describing their father and grandmother's reaction to their spending, and having been given a financial plan, I'd be asking them "why do they know what you spend your money on?" and recommending that they stop talking to them so much.

Original poster

user1490432031 · 25/03/2017 09:40

cantsleep

DS doesn't boast about his lifestyle. But it's evident that he does spend a lot when you see his car, his flat etc. The type of items you definitely can't acquire on a cheap budget. And he's MOST DEFINITELY borrowing from his dad and grandma. Most definitely not. All the money he spends is his.

aderyn2016

I've spoken to DS about it - especially reiterating about future financial security. But like others have said, he's not a child - he's a grown man. He's earned his living and he has every right to spend how he sees fit.

OP posts:

Chewbecca · 25/03/2017 09:42

He is 28!

If I were 28 and my father and grandmother did this, I'd just not bother seeing/speaking to them. Why would you want to?

You are right to stay out of it.

Original poster

user1490432031 · 25/03/2017 09:43

AD - DS doesn't tell folks about his purchases (the 800 quid wine bottle was a result of my asking when i visited him - the bottle looked very fancy looking). But people always form their own their own ideas when he comes to a wedding in his fancy car or they visit his lavishly furnished flat.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2017 09:43

I expect he's also building a collection and laying up bottles. If he comes on hard times, he can sell the wine.... Wine goes up in value.

That said, it's really none of anyone's business. If you want to get involved, I would perhaps ask him if he's planning for his future and how if he's willing to share. Beyond that, it's really irrelevant to anyone else.

Original poster

user1490432031 · 25/03/2017 09:45

em - i agree about the wine collecting thing. Never understood it. Like you, I'd rather drink it! But each to his/her own.

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