Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not be obsessed with how DS spends his money?

82 replies

user1490432031 · 25/03/2017 09:15

I'm at a point where I'm tired of dealing with my ex-husband and his mother about this. DS is 28 - he has a very good job and he makes a lot of money. He has a lot of disposable income. He also likes to live a bit lavishly (his flat, his car, his clothes, holiday destinations, etc).

DS' dad and grandmother are constantly on his case about this. They say he should be much more frugal. And while I don't entirely disagree with them (buying a 800 quid bottle of wine is a bit too much) I don't think I can dictate what he do and what he shouldn't do with the money he earns. Last week, DS' dad outlined a monthly financial plan that he gave DS, and demanded he stick to schedule he outlined. They fell out over it. My ex-MIL called me and told me I should convince DS to follow his father's financial plan. I told her it's not my place to give DS a minute-by-minute plan on how he should spend his money. She said I was being unreasonable and that I was a "bad mother." I cut the phone.

I've spoken to DS before about the importance of financial security not only now, but for the future too. But I don't think it's my place to outline a minute by minute report on how he should spend every penny he makes. DS worked extremely hard at school and uni to get to the point he's at in his life. From childhood, his head was always buried in books. Of course he's my son so I'm not exactly going to be entirely objective, but I've never come across anyone as intelligent while also possessing a limitless work ethic. I figure he's smart enough to take care of himself - he's gotten this far.

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 25/03/2017 10:56

Lots of people burn out from big jobs for example and want to take a step back. It would be awful if he throws away the opportunity to do this should he want or need to.

PerfectPenquins · 25/03/2017 11:21

Is you ex jealous of his sons success and high earnings? It certainly sounds like it. I'd only want to careful that the cousins don't take advantage of the generosity he shows.
He works for his money he is paying a hell of a lot in tax if high earning dogs should enjoy it. Just because he enjoys it doesn't mean he hasn't made provisions for the future.

ZombieApocalips · 25/03/2017 11:29

My advice to your son would be to stop telling his dad financial things like how much he earns and how much his things cost. He's a grown man and his money is his business.

grannytomine · 25/03/2017 11:32

I was thinking this was going to be about a ten year old wasting his birthday money. At 28 I think he is a big boy and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Maybe they are jealous?

scottishdiem · 25/03/2017 12:33

He is 28. He does not need to be following anyones plans. Listen to ideas and advice but controlled living. No.

I think his dad wants access to some of this cash to be honest.

£800 for a bottle of wine can be an investment or part of a nice wee collection added too a few times a year. Smoking 10 cigs a day cost around £1300 a year and is far from an investment.

user1476961324 · 25/03/2017 12:40

How strange - it sounds like they want a slice of his money, and step one of that is to control his spending.

My family do this to me too - my mother gets very paranoid about where I go on holiday, if I have new clothes etc.

They're probably hoping he buys a big house so they can live in it and leech off him for the rest of their days.

Purplehonesty · 25/03/2017 12:44

Does he own his flat?

If not I would be advising him to put some of his money into that so he has security if anything should happen.

But really it's up to him what he does with his money. You can advise I suppose but not force!

SillySongsWithLarry · 25/03/2017 13:35

He sounds like he's got his head screwed on. He is living a great lifestyle provided by his hard work. It's no one's business but his own.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/03/2017 14:02

"Last week, DS' dad outlined a monthly financial plan that he gave DS, and demanded he stick to schedule he outlined."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . Idiot.

"But my ex and grandma get in contact in with me . . . I don't contact them. They contact me and try to convince me to sell their ideas to my son "because he listens to you the most." "
Hmm. I think next time they called, I'd be straight in there before they finished saying 'It's me' with 'If you're calling about DS and how he spends his money, we might as well finish this call right now because I am not interested in your obsession with this.' And hang up as soon as they do mention it (which will probably be within the first five seconds ...)

What do they mean by 'sell their ideas', by the way? What plans do they have for DS's money? They're not trying to get him to invest in something they have an interest in, are they?

harderandharder2breathe · 25/03/2017 14:05

They're batshit crazy if they think they can dictate what a financially independent 28 year old spends his money on!

As parents, it's sensible to encourage adult children to save money, to be clear they shouldn't rely on a hefty inheritance (even if you/exdh have the money/property now it could all be gone on frivolous holidays or care home fees by the time you die). It's ridiculous and impossible to expect to do more than offer a bit of advice which may well be ignored.

GeorgeTheHamster · 25/03/2017 14:06

Yes, I think we can see why "he listens to you the most".

He's 28 and financially independent. What planet are they on?

alltouchedout · 25/03/2017 14:09

He's 28.
They sound horrid.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 25/03/2017 14:13

At 28 it is completely up to him how he spends his money, and I am surprised anyone would could think differently.

Someone should be free to do as they wish with money they have

LostSight · 25/03/2017 14:16

My only thought after reading your post?

No wonder he's your ex!

MrsPringles · 25/03/2017 14:34

He's the same age as me.
My mum doesn't tell me how to spend my money, I think his dad and Nan need to stay weeeellll out of his business

balence49 · 25/03/2017 14:38

How very controlling they are. The dad and gran sound like the problem. Even if he's getting himself in a right mess, it's not there place to interfere he's a grown man!

The only thing I'd be telling him is to tell his dad to butt out and stop telling him anything he dosent want them to comment on!

KatyBerry · 25/03/2017 14:42

If he's knowledgeable about wine, it's entirely possible that what he's buying will outperform any pension fund even after tax.

My guess is that his grandma's financial plan is outdated and he's already planning just in a different way

Gingernaut · 25/03/2017 14:55

All you can say to your son is that you hope he's putting something away for the future as the current economic climate is scary and likely to get worse.

You hope he and his partner have sorted out wills and Powers of Attorney and that life insurance is a must.

He's 28. A fully grown adult.

You clearly know this, your Ex and Ex-MIL either don't or are angling for some of the money themselves.

ABerrySwithWith · 25/03/2017 15:03

Trying to dictate terms to an independent 28 year old is bizarre and quite worrying. If having their demands ignored doesn't do the job then your DS needs to put them in their place. £800 wine sounded like silly money for drinking but if he is keeping it as an asset then it's fine, as long as he knows enough about wine.

noitsnotme · 25/03/2017 15:08

They sound unbearable. A nice car, a nice house, an interest. Aren't these good things to spend money on?

He's hardly snorting coke off the ass of Playboy bunnies for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

QuiteUnfitBit · 25/03/2017 15:15

A bit off topic, but is wine really a good investment? I know people who try to get you to part with your money claim it is, but is it? People like to do it, because it has a certain cachet. But surely the reality is that if you are lucky enough to chose the right bottles, the costs of selling would drink up any profits. I'm thinking of my own pension now.

Does he own his flat? I'd certainly advise that he used his money to pay off his mortgage. I seem to be the only saver on this thread.

kath6144 · 25/03/2017 15:19

ImperialBlether - I do think he's wasting a hell of a lot of money and I think you seem a bit blinded by admiration for him.

What on earth gives you a right to say he is wasting a hell of a lot of money, Imperial. Just because he is spending lavishly, doesn't mean he is wasting it. Do you know his exact incomings and outgoings, I don't think so, I would doubt even the Op and her ex do. So how can anyone say whether he is wasting money? He has told Op he is also saving well, what is he supposed to do, save all his earnings and not spend?

A nice flat, car, holidays, are not wasted if you can afford them, they are just living to your means. Similarly with nice clothes, wearing expensive clothes may be part of the image required by his well paid job. £800 for a bottle of wine - extravagant to most of us, but not wasted if he can easily afford it and likes to collect wine. People spend a lot more on collected items, and cars/holidays, without being able to afford them.

I was admonished by a friend not long ago because my dH and I had the audacity to waste our money buying our DS a car when he passed his test. Primarily for practical reasons, so he could get to his part-time job, but the reason is actually no ones business. We can afford it, we have good earnings and a very high 6 figure amount in savings, plus pension provision, yet my friend didn't think we should spend our money as we pleased!! Yet I never tell her how to spend her money?

Gingernaut - since Op doesnt mention a partner, why does he need a will, or insurance at 28? The latter is only really needed if he has dependants, and whilst a will makes life ewsier, His parents would be next of kin if he died intestate!

Op - I don't think you are blinded by admiration, I think you realise that your DS's spending is none of your business, nor is it any business of your ex's or his DM's. Just cut them off every time they call.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2017 15:20

That's awful. To tell a grown man how to spend his own income. He is not in debt, he hasn't asked their opinion. It's nothing to do with them.

He earns it, it's no ones business but his how he chooses to spend it.

Appalling behaviour.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2017 15:20

QuiteUnfit

It's only a good investment if you're prepared to loose your money. A very expensive bottle of wine can easily become corked the same as a £30 one if kept too long or not in the correct conditions. And is more likely as it goes up in value with age.

kath6144 · 25/03/2017 15:28

QuiteUnfitBit - whilst paying down the mortgage is admirable, as long as he can easily pay the mortgage, and is saving too, it is not necessary at 28. Surely this is the age when he should be having fun, nice holidays, a nice car, decent clothes, before he has to use all of his disposable income to help with a family, if he has one.

My DH was very sensible in his 20s, did pay off his mortgage etc, which has helped in our financial security now we are older, but did he live life to the full? No, he worked a lot and played little, although he was happy doing that. Hopefully he can turn that around in retirement, but there is no guarantee that he will live that long or be well enough to.

I will certainly encourage my DC to enjoy their 20s, as long as they have contingency for the future and dont spend beyond their means.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread