To not be obsessed with how DS spends his money?

[user1490432031]

I'm at a point where I'm tired of dealing with my ex-husband and his mother about this. DS is 28 - he has a very good job and he makes a lot of money. He has a lot of disposable income. He also likes to live a bit lavishly (his flat, his car, his clothes, holiday destinations, etc).

DS' dad and grandmother are constantly on his case about this. They say he should be much more frugal. And while I don't entirely disagree with them (buying a 800 quid bottle of wine is a bit too much) I don't think I can dictate what he do and what he shouldn't do with the money he earns. Last week, DS' dad outlined a monthly financial plan that he gave DS, and demanded he stick to schedule he outlined. They fell out over it. My ex-MIL called me and told me I should convince DS to follow his father's financial plan. I told her it's not my place to give DS a minute-by-minute plan on how he should spend his money. She said I was being unreasonable and that I was a "bad mother." I cut the phone.

I've spoken to DS before about the importance of financial security not only now, but for the future too. But I don't think it's my place to outline a minute by minute report on how he should spend every penny he makes. DS worked extremely hard at school and uni to get to the point he's at in his life. From childhood, his head was always buried in books. Of course he's my son so I'm not exactly going to be entirely objective, but I've never come across anyone as intelligent while also possessing a limitless work ethic. I figure he's smart enough to take care of himself - he's gotten this far.

Parents do have a duty to help their children understand finances and budget. Although he's 28, it's probably quite normal to offer general advice still. However It's not your husbands place to control his finances. He'd be better off recommending a budgeting app and explaining how he manages his own spending.

it is not necessary at 28. Surely this is the age when he should be having fun, nice holidays, a nice car, decent clothes
For me, 28 is the age when you should be saving at your peak rate, before you have a family/lose your job etc. Having fun, nice holidays etc can easily be done quite cheaply, if you are sensible. Spend £800 on a bottle of wine, and then telling everyone afterwards, is nothing to do with having fun, but more to do with trying to impress people.

While it's not up to ex-H, I think he does have a point. I would be concerned, too.

He's hardly snorting coke off the ass of Playboy bunnies for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I disagree with the implication that this would be a bad use of money. (Well I don't agree with the drugs part, but, once all current and future basic needs are taken care of, I can't think of any better use of money than spending it on loose women. Admittedly I've yet to try it.)

But why does anything have to be done cheaply, if he can afford not to? Surely the whole point of working hard to build a career, is to then enjoy the fruits of that career? We have no idea what the DS is earning, therefore how can you comment that he should have fun cheaply?

And for all we know, he is also saving plenty, Op has said he has plenty of disposable income. He may be able to save a good % and still be able to afford luxuries too. He may be overpaying a mortgage, and still have plenty left to spend! Since she hasn't said what he earns, or where he lives, then the actual figures are unknowns.

The point of the thread is should his father be telling him how to run his finances. That is an emphatic no from me, he is 28!!

I have run my own finances from going to uni at 18. My parents tried to tell me I shouldnt buy a house at 23, my 'landlady' at the time (a building soc manager) and older colleagues advised me differently.

It was the best financial decision I ever made, getting on the housing ladder so young, yet my parents thought at the time it was the worst!! They were wrong, as my mum was whenever she tried to tell me to buy the cheapest food from the cheapest place! It was ingrained in her, having been brought up poor, but totally irrelevant to my financial situation. Parents aren't always financial gurus, mine certainly weren't.

I think it's lovely he's sharing his money with his cousin. When I said share upthread, I was meaning share information. They really do need to butt out. Your ds sounds great.

Your X has trouble seeing his sone as an adult and indeed as a separate person from himself. He's getting enraged by DS behaving independently.

I think he sounds quite canny. Investing in wine is actually what some people do and makes them money. As long as it's properly stored it can be an investment like artwork.