To not be obsessed with how DS spends his money?

[user1490432031]

I'm at a point where I'm tired of dealing with my ex-husband and his mother about this. DS is 28 - he has a very good job and he makes a lot of money. He has a lot of disposable income. He also likes to live a bit lavishly (his flat, his car, his clothes, holiday destinations, etc).

DS' dad and grandmother are constantly on his case about this. They say he should be much more frugal. And while I don't entirely disagree with them (buying a 800 quid bottle of wine is a bit too much) I don't think I can dictate what he do and what he shouldn't do with the money he earns. Last week, DS' dad outlined a monthly financial plan that he gave DS, and demanded he stick to schedule he outlined. They fell out over it. My ex-MIL called me and told me I should convince DS to follow his father's financial plan. I told her it's not my place to give DS a minute-by-minute plan on how he should spend his money. She said I was being unreasonable and that I was a "bad mother." I cut the phone.

I've spoken to DS before about the importance of financial security not only now, but for the future too. But I don't think it's my place to outline a minute by minute report on how he should spend every penny he makes. DS worked extremely hard at school and uni to get to the point he's at in his life. From childhood, his head was always buried in books. Of course he's my son so I'm not exactly going to be entirely objective, but I've never come across anyone as intelligent while also possessing a limitless work ethic. I figure he's smart enough to take care of himself - he's gotten this far.

mummyoflittledragon

Oh DS shares a lot. A lot. He constantly helps out both immediate and extended family - especially his younger cousins he grew up with and has a close relationship with. Incidentally, that was something DS' father's financial plan said needed to stop.

Well in that case they sound a bit unhinged

I wonder does DS need to be more careful with information though. I mean to do up a monthly financial plan for somebody you'd need to know what their income is as well as their outgoings such as rent/mortgage, bills, loans, socialising and so on. He must be telling them more than a parent needs to know about an adult sons finances for them to feel entitled to have this level of input. That's why I wondered if he was borrowing from them - it's the only reason I could think of to give my parents that amount of information.

If he's not asking for money and not likely to, it's none of their business. He's allowed to spend his own money unwisely, he's an adult fgs.

I just don't get why this is your problem at all, given that your DS is an adult and you're no longer with your ex. His dad and Granny are free to give him financial advice. He's free to ignore it. I'd stay out of it completely if I were you!

That's a good point Mango

Do you have other, younger children?

It seems that you could, if you wished, never speak to your ex again. Or at least not until your DS's wedding.

Cantsleep

i think you may be right. DS is pretty open on that front. He won't say it out of the blue but if you ask, he does say - not out of boastfulness but just simply saying the truth. Say with the wine bottle i asked and he told me.

My dad used to do this. Would let himself in and go through my bank statements. I was 30! and YANBU op. I reckon the more they push the less likely he'll be to save

He is an adult, earning his own living and entitled to do what he wants with his money.

He has a place to live, a car, nice clothes and a hobby that is also an investment. I do not see what they have to be upset about. It is none of their or your business. It must also be hard for him, when he has worked hard and is being successful, to be criticised by his family.

Next time either try to talk to you about it, tell them that it is not your business and he is perfectly capable of makings own decisions. I suggest telling him too.

He is 28, so it is none of their business. But I'd be really worried too, if I were them. I'm in my 50s now, and I've seen several high earners end up in trouble that way. One I used to know years ago ended up begging his (prudent) brother for money, as he didn't have any reserves when hard times hit - even though he was still keeping up appearances. Another went bankrupt. So I think you should discuss it with your son. And wine isn't really that great an investment if you need the money suddenly.

Trills

Yes, I have a daughter (she's 20 and at uni).

And DS says he doesn't planning on getting married in his lifetime :)... I always tell him we'll see.

MangoSplit

I do stay out of it. But my ex and grandma get in contact in with me . . . I don't contact them. They contact me and try to convince me to sell their ideas to my son "because he listens to you the most."

Quiteunfitbit

Yes, you're right about the possibility of "rainy days." I have spoken to DS about the importance of future financial security. He's said before that he doesn't spend every penny earns - he has savings. I left it that. My ex has actually demanded to see the statements of those statements, which I thought to be egregious and DS rightfully refused.

Why are you even talking to your ex and his mother? Your son is over 18 so you're under no obligation to even pass them the time of day. Unless you want to maintain a relationship with them, then just say you're busy, don't want to discuss it, etc.

Well you cut the phone on her last time so that might be an end to ex mil at least trying to involve you

Look he may well be pissing through his money, he wouldnt be the first 20 something with a good income and no one else to support to indulge himself! And in the future he may well regret not being more careful when he could have been. It happens. Still, he is an adult and he's free to spend what he likes and no matter how concerned others might be it's not appropriate for them to push it this way.

From your end Op all you can do if ex tries to involve you is tell him you don't feel it's your business and refuse to discuss.

Would your ex and his mother provide statements detailing their own savings, pension pots etc. if you or your DS simply asked?

I have a feeling they might not, and would tell him to mind his own business.

Topseyt

Very good point.

He listens to you

Perhaps they should ask themselves why.

Me, I'd ask him if he has enough saved to pay the bills for 3 months (as a point to ponder not to need to know the answer) and leave well alone. He isn't a child.

From your description of him, his intelligence, his pre planned career choices and his motivated attitude to life I can't imagine he isn't contributing to a savings plan or pension.
I can . I only need to look at my friends and acquaintances to see several who now wish they had made different choices when they were younger. I don't really think savings is related to intelligence. Some people are spenders and some are savers. It doesn't really come home to roost until later in life. If you lose your job, it's relatively easy to get another well-paid one in your 20s and 30s, In your 40s, it's that much harder. But anyway, he's an adult, so it's up to him.

he's 28 of course he can do what he wants - maybe it's his dad's controlling attitude that has tempted him to rebel and spend so much in the first place. I agree he should probably be more frugal but if he chooses not to that's no one else's business but his.

Your poor son. Hard work and dedication have yeilded him a wonderful and comfortable life and he has a bitter dad and grandma pissing on it all. Glad he has you!

I'm 28. I would be like this . Your don son is an adult and as long as he doesn't need to be bailed out at the end of every months his spending is non of anyone else's business.

Although I agree that they have no right to talk to him like that, I do think he's wasting a hell of a lot of money and I think you seem a bit blinded by admiration for him.

It's natural to worry about your child - I can see why his dad is concerned.

Your son is 28 and earning a hell of a lot of money and clearly enjoys spending a lot. He seems to enjoy the act of spending as well, which is the worrying bit, I think. A lot of people don't have the imagination to realise that the good times don't always last, but I think most of us here now wish we'd been a bit more sensible with our money.

I'd advise my kid not to talk to anyone about money, it's his business as he's an adult.

I'd also mention the LISA starting in April plus ISA'S. It's a lot easier to have direct debits for savings that actually trying to save yourself in my experience.

As long as his plans and spending include provision for retirement and the fact that he may not want or be able to work and earn at his current level for ever, what he is doing sounds fine.

Eg if he has savings he may want to retire very early.

He's 28.