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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding, hen do, transgender

750 replies

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:11

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 21/03/2017 22:35

You don't Grey. But it's not just about you, is it?

AuntMatilda · 21/03/2017 22:37

If she's having hormonal treatment then her penis could be extremely small, and swimwear designed to hide such things exists.
I can see why you'd worry about the teenage girl's history though. Is it obvious she was born wirh male genitals? Does the teenage girl know about her?

GreyDey · 21/03/2017 22:38

As I said..up to the host. Not up to abuse victim, not up to societal norms, not up to us on the internet.

CoolJazz · 21/03/2017 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreyDey · 21/03/2017 22:41

Actually if you get the McKenzie boxers, they are very snug and comfy and don't have any excess.. erm, frontal baggy bits Hmm

SmileEachDay · 21/03/2017 22:43

Frontal baggy bits

Could that be adopted as an acceptable euphemism for penis?

CoolJazz · 21/03/2017 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolJazz · 21/03/2017 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmileEachDay · 21/03/2017 22:46
Grin

Lower frontal baggy bits?

CoolJazz · 21/03/2017 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolJazz · 21/03/2017 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreyDey · 21/03/2017 22:47

m.jdsports.co.uk/product/blue-grey-mckenzie-seddon-2-pack-boxers/185177/

They're always on sale two pairs for a fiver, SO worth it Grin I am very fond of the blue stripeys.

I could mention that some women also have frontal baggy bits but I'm not sure that would assist the thread..

GreyDey · 21/03/2017 22:48

*Lower frontal baggy bits

....sorry

CoolJazz · 21/03/2017 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmileEachDay · 21/03/2017 22:53

What are the implications of all the baggy bits on the hot tub?

Baggy and bubbly doesn't sound great....

GreyDey · 21/03/2017 22:56

When I next place my boxered gender neautral rear in a hot tub, possibly with a transgender, I will update you as matter of urgency

GreyDey · 21/03/2017 22:57

Neutral, not sure what neautral is....perhaps that as well

SmileEachDay · 21/03/2017 22:57

Thanks Grey

GreyDey · 21/03/2017 23:00

May have a long wait unless I stand outside in this abysmal rain and blow bubbles down my boxers? 🤔

SmileEachDay · 21/03/2017 23:02

Noooo. Not the correct sort of bubble.

I'm going to bed.

GreyDey · 21/03/2017 23:03

Is that a woman only space?

Bambambini · 21/03/2017 23:04

Is it fo uncool to think that most hen dos are about women getting together to rekax, get tipsy and talk about silly women shit?

Don't think i've been on a proper hen do with any males (apart from the naked waiter). Have been to one stag do though.

Maybe I'm just old and passe though.

SolomanDaisy · 21/03/2017 23:08

I see this has turned into a general trans thread, but OP your issue isn't about trans people in general, it's about your cousin whose character you know. Are they a nice, considerate person? If they are, it's likely to occur to them that some people might not want to share a hot tub or keep the bathroom door unlocked etc. and they'll behave accordingly. If they've always been selfish and pushy, perhaps they would ignore other people's discomfort and make themselves the centre of the weekend. Presumably you know which is more likely.

IJustWantABrew · 21/03/2017 23:09

Have you asked your cousin if she would feel comfortable. She might want to come for the evening/night in which I'm sure you could share a room together, but she might not want to go in the hot tub, especially if she still has male genitalia.
May be worth you talking to her before hand and asking firstly if she would like to come and secondly if she would even go in the hot tub. Like someone else said it is very obvious if someone had a penis and is wearing a swimming suit.
If she doesn't feel comfortable or that the younger members don't feel comfortable maybe just do either a meal or a afternoon tea with a few treatments at a posh spa?

egosumquisum1 · 21/03/2017 23:15

When I next place my boxered gender neautral rear in a hot tub, possibly with a transgender, I will update you as matter of urgency

A transgender? Are you sure that's the term you want to use?