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AIBU?

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Original poster

wedding, hen do, transgender

750 replies

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:11

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

OP posts:
DickToPhone · 21/03/2017 17:26

"Would you invite a cisgender lesbian? "

You mean an actual lesbian?

As opposed to a man who dresses up as a woman. Bit of a difference, surely?!

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 17:26

'men parts' BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

brickinitIam · 21/03/2017 17:26

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BorpBorpBorp · 21/03/2017 17:27

If she's in a relationship with a woman, she's probably not straight.

It's clear you don't want her there. Just don't invite her. She'll probably thank you.

PlayOnWurtz · 21/03/2017 17:27

My primary concern would be the trans person would take over the hen do and the hen will get lost in it all

DrudgeJedd · 21/03/2017 17:27

If it's not important to you that your cousin attends and you think that their presence will lead to upset then don't invite them.

NC543212345 · 21/03/2017 17:28

I don't understand this hatred of trans women on MN. I've been in a hot tub with men lots of times and always survived to tell the tale.

If you are not close enough to feel like you actually want her there then don't invite her, just don't mention it's because she still has a penis Hmm

tabulahrasa · 21/03/2017 17:28

Either ask your friend if it would make her uncomfortable or not, tell your cousin without saying who it is or, book something different.

I wouldn't go to a hot tub hen night no matter who was going.

BoBaraMoMara · 21/03/2017 17:29

I agree with CustardShoes

And the others who say that if it is important that your cousin be included then arrange something else.

heateallthebuns · 21/03/2017 17:29

You won't be naked in hot tub though. It's just like swimming or going to a spa with men there. I don't see the problem tbh.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 17:29

In what way is your cousin a woman?

whatsfair · 21/03/2017 17:29

If it's a mixed sex hen do then invite her and any other men you might want to come. If it's women only then obviously don't.

Be as sensitive as you can be, but I'd say if her feelings are hurt it's because she's a man who wants to be a woman and currently it isn't scientifically possible to change sex.
Situations like this serve to highlight that biological reality.

Having said that, if having her there is more important to you than having a sex segregated hen do, then you should invite her, but be prepared to accept any (hopefully) polite dropouts from women who don't feel comfortable in a semi-clad environment with a man.

I do hope you can find a solution that makes everyone happy, yourself included.

mickeysminnie · 21/03/2017 17:29

Why would you have teenage girls at a hen party? Misses point completely!

Beachedwh4le · 21/03/2017 17:30

Your reasoning doesn't make much sense to me, if she didn't have a penis it would all be fine? So you're worried your cousin is going to be using her penis in an inappropriate way? Would you invite a lesbian friend? Or would you also worry that you'd all be so irresistible she would pounce on you too?

You're clearly not that close to her, so don't invite her, and forget agonising over it.

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2017 17:30

I don't understand this hatred of trans women on MN. I've been in a hot tub with men lots of times and always survived to tell the tale.

Yes but have you been abused in the past? That massively changes your view of men. Whatever your opinion on transgender people, the cousin has a penis. That could be a huge issue for the girl who's been abused and not expecting to be in a hot tub with one.

Ecclesiastes · 21/03/2017 17:30

I don't understand this hatred of trans women on MN

And I don't understand how anyone can type the words 'because she still has a penis' without her head exploding at the sheer gobsmacking absurdity of it all, but there you go.

BorpBorpBorp · 21/03/2017 17:30

I am agog at this thread. No, of course you can't discuss your friend's history of abuse with your cousin. You also can't reveal your cousin's trans status to your friends. These things should be obvious?? Seriously, either do something where everyone's fully clothed at all times, or just don't invite your cousin.

GraceGildee · 21/03/2017 17:30

Speak to her about it? She may well not be comfortable going if it turns out to be an issue for others. Also if she is pre-op she may also not be comfortable in a swimsuit with a load of younger women.

One of my best friends was my bridesmaid, pre op MtoF at the time. Some of the relatives refused to come as it wasn't something they were comfortable with. 15 years later and they're all good friends, they've realised she's just an ordinary person, not some kind of monster...

AllWorkedOutOk · 21/03/2017 17:31

This is perfect for the DailyMail.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 17:32

the cousin has a penis. That could be a huge issue for the girl who's been abused and not expecting to be in a hot tub with one.

It doesn't need to come as a surprise. Just tell her. She can then make her own decision.

MsJuniper · 21/03/2017 17:32

Lots of people have a separate meal for family when they get married. I'd just invite her to that.

HalfCarrot · 21/03/2017 17:32

Why would you have teenage girls at a hen party?

Surely the question is why would you have men at a hen party?

CustardShoes · 21/03/2017 17:33

cisgender lesbian

Oh where does one start with this?

Sexual preference is not the same as gender role/identity.

And most women are not 'cisgender' - that mixes up sex and gender.

Sex refers to biological existence ie male or female
Gender is the social role ie masculinity and femininity.

Many (most?) women are not happy about the gender roles imposed on women. Just read threads in here about the injustices served out to women because of gender roles. Socially imposed gender roles.

I should think that many (most?) lesbians are even less inclined to be comfortable about so-called 'cis' gender roles than heterosexual women.

Just think about it for a second.

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2017 17:33

It doesn't need to come as a surprise. Just tell her. She can then make her own decision.

Yes but then you're putting the girl in the horrible position of saying the cousin can or can't come to the hen do. I don't think that's a very considerate thing to do.

NC543212345 · 21/03/2017 17:33

Jesus Christ, talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.
If you feel that strongly then either arrange something different for you hen do or don't invite her. Simple.

Can I ask why you decided to do a hot tub thing if you knew you would feel like you had to invite her? Seems a bit shortsighted.

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