wedding, hen do, transgender

[user1488971792]

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

Interesting, isn't it.

There is a victim blaming mentality that women should keep themselves safe by not putting themselves in potentially risky situations with men. If the man identifies as a women, suddenly the expectation is that women should be totally cool stripping down to a bikini, sharing rooms etc.

My attacker laughed at my distress too.

such arseholes hopefully karma will get them in the end

Yip, mine was smirking too (in front of an audience) though it was nowhere near as bad or upsetting as splendid or Beachcombers experience. Just more annoying and disgusted at his entitled arrogance.

So women are not allowed to say that they don't want men near them as they find it triggering/traumatic as they have been sexually abused by men but transwomen are allowed to insist that women call them women and must not be uncomfortable in any way as they find it triggering/traumatic if anyone sees them as male in any way despite having a penis.

Yes. Because the feelz of the bepenised always matter more than those of us with vulvas.

There is a victim blaming mentality that women should keep themselves safe by not putting themselves in potentially risky situations with men. If the man identifies as a women, suddenly the expectation is that women should be totally cool stripping down to a bikini, sharing rooms etc.

Yeah. I wonder whether someone has already gathered the evidence - I am pretty sure that once one of those transwomen assaults a woman, that transwoman is suddenly declared not a real transwoman, and the woman is blamed for putting herself in a risky situation with a man.

Indeed Vestal

Bambambini

Yeah it's the smirk of the entitled male dickhead getting away with male violence.

But how dare women talk about it, share stories about it and talk about the fact that knowing that men sexually assault us makes us nervous of men we don't know.

And how dare women point out that transgender males are men.

It's all part of the same thing.

Deliberately invading people's boundaries is strongly correlated with sexual abuse, harassment and assault. That's partly why I don't want to share intimate spaces with any trans "women" who think their feelings trump mine as a woman and survivor of rape and sexual assault. Why do their feelings count for so much and women's for so little? That's a rhetorical question. For all the virtue signalling, you know perfectly well why it is.

Thank you, brave women, for speaking out our heart's truth. All the gaslighting and thought-policing on this subject are crazy-making. Boundaries aren't hateful. Biology isn't hateful.

The OPs cousin has invaded anyone's space. They don't even know about all this agonising unless I missed something. The friend isn't demanding anything either. No one knows how either is going to react.

OP you have to make the decision you can invite both explain the problem and see what they think or just wait and see what happens. You can do something else where they would be less likely to be troubled. You could do a young do for your friends and an older do or a family do and keep them apart. You could decide not to bother or you could even do a hen and stag do with your other half, I have heard of a couple of people doing that lately so maybe on trend? Or you can leave one of them out, whichever one is less important to you. You could even decide that the whole concept of a hen do is outdated and stay home and do some knitting. My point is it is your hen do so do what you want and that you will be happy with. You don't have to be some sort of warrior for either side of the argument so have a good time and don't forget to enjoy yourself.

Sorry the cousin hasn't invaded anyone's space.

Exactly venusinscorpio. Men, be they transgender or otherwise, who trample over women's boundaries raise our suspicions. And we are right to be cautious.

And this cousin, if they exist, has already done so by, in the OP's own words, having an expectation of being invited to a hen do that only women are going to.

Surely as a transgender you would have to expect that as you are adjusting to life as a woman/man, so are the people around you. As much as you would want others to be sensitive to you, it's a two way street and you should be sensitive to others too.

^as a transgender person
Transgender is an adjective not a noun. You wouldn't say "a black".

and yes, I am aware that there is a grammar corner for pedants like me, but "a transgender" came up earlier in this thread.

DalaHorse they don't like the term 'a trangender' (it's an adgentive), they like the term trans or trans woman or trans gender.

And I am sure some are very sensitive. But because the firmly held belief in some circles these days is that anyone who thinks they are a woman, is a woman, there is a massive gap between when people expect.

Trans people seem to sometimes expect that they will be accepted as 'female'. Ironically, trans men, who do not seem nearly so vocal on issues do often seem to pass quite well. I do wonder how males feel about trans men, we do hear so little about trans men generally.

I do think being trans must be very hard, it must be very confusing and for some young trans women it must be difficult to know whether to tell people or not etc, because they may pass quite well.

Older trans women do not pass so well (if they transition later) and so they are very much out, but if you listen to their demands and expectations the older, late transitioning males who are attracted to women do not seem very sensitive at all. This may well not be true at all for the OP's cousin.

There really are all different kinds of situations where people are trans in, it is not a hydrogenous unit.

Cross posted with Gin, we must both be in the pedants corner!

I do wonder how males feel about trans men, we do hear so little about trans men generally.

Gay men are quite vocal about not wanting to have sex with transmen = biological females. Obviously.

I don't think they mind much if transmen use men's toilets and changing rooms and are locked up with men in prisons. After all, transmen are not a danger to them.

Grannytomine, it was a general comment. But I think it tends to apply. So if the cousin is a nice person they won't want to invade women's boundaries.

So if the cousin is a nice person they won't want to invade women's boundaries

And if a transwoman chooses to use a female toilet?

I think the experience of choosing not to have children or being physically unable to bear children when you are primed to do this by your biology is a female experience.

TheBogQueen that is such a brilliant way to put it. How often like never are there newspaper articles about men making decisions about their biological clocks?

I sit,
The china
Covered
With blood and shit.
And wonder if
This is how it feels to be a woman.

Stained crotch,
The teenage throb
Of a bulbous chin
Covered in

Hormonal spots.
I wonder if
This is how it feels to be a woman.

The tyranny
Of a lifelong womb:
Monthly cramps
Girls are tramps
Victims blamed
Or bless'ed mothers made.
I wonder.
This is how it feels to be a woman.

So if the cousin is a nice person they won't want to invade women's boundaries

And if a transwoman chooses to use a female toilet?

Not sure where you are going with this Ego. As you are very well aware prior to this push by the vocal trans gender lobby. Trans sexual women were given a "courtesy " pass by women to use the female toilets. We knew that "you" were biologically male but gave "you" the courtesy of sharing our space as "we " thought you had undergone surgery to negate our risk.

This is no longer the case, I would have hoped you would see how the current trans gender dogma has had a negative impact on yourself too.

Depends on the situation and how uncomfortable they make me. But you know how I feel about it, I think. I don't think they should be in intimate female sex segregated spaces.

I think if anyone gave a shit about women's feelings, a third solution would have to be provided.