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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel he has me just where he wants me

60 replies

dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 15:57

And I do not know what to do about it?

I suppose once you have children you can't put them back, and I feel like any chance I had at maybe normal life has gone

sorry

OP posts:
Rubyslippers7780 · 11/03/2017 16:01

Are you talking about your partner or your child?
How old is your child?
Having children is life changing...but there is no normal!
You sound stressed...need a bit more info to help
Flowers

Original poster
dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 16:03

Thanks, for being nice. I thought I'd get flamed. I just don't know what to say. More that you have a baby and the pregnancy is horrific, the birth even worse, and then your life is ruined while his carries on as before but with a cute baby for enhancement.

OP posts:
Rubyslippers7780 · 11/03/2017 16:06

You sound like you have a newborn..and have had a tough pregnancy.
While you are knackered and recovering he is fine?
Speak to your midwife/ gp.
Also hold on to the fact this is a short stage of time..you will get physically better and baby will grow. The hours are long but years are short!!!
Talk to your partner.

DJBaggySmalls · 11/03/2017 16:10

I could have written your post. You wont get flamed. But you might get a lot of advice about looking after yourself in the future.
Do you get any help or support from anyone in real life?

ZilphasHatpin · 11/03/2017 16:12

Why is your life ruined?

Original poster
dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 16:12

Sadly, the child in question is no longer a newborn! He is a walking shouting talking one year old.

AND dh wants another!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 11/03/2017 16:23

So DH does nothing with or for the toddler and now also wants a second child?

I'd be telling him that there would be no second child if he wasn't prepared to start pulling his weight with the first on a permanent basis.

Does he help around the house at all, or is that your job too?

Original poster
dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 16:29

I'm being unfair. He does loads with the baby. I just feel like its all so difficult.

OP posts:
Alice212 · 11/03/2017 16:31

dream "I suppose once you have children you can't put them back, and I feel like any chance I had at maybe normal life has gone"

don't have another one.

two is not going to help anything. sorry you are in this spot but there is no point making it worse.

ZilphasHatpin · 11/03/2017 16:35

I'm assuming you don't want another. That means you don't have one, whatever he wants.

KatieScarlett · 11/03/2017 16:40

You poor thing, you sound very down. Sounds like you are having a really hard time. Could you be depressed? It's just that I felt the same way after a difficult birth and got help for PND.You don't have to feel so bad. It's not OK and so difficult to talk about, isn't it?
Can you talk to anyone in RL about this?

HolgerDanske · 11/03/2017 16:41

He doesn't get to choose whether you have another child. It's not right for you, so don't do it.

gamerchick · 11/03/2017 16:42

You don't have to have another unless you want one. He can want as much as he wants.

Original poster
dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 16:46

He says its unfair on DS to be an only. Maybe hes right. DS is perfectly happy by the way. In for apenny in for a pound. We're meant to be trying this next month.

OP posts:
Pettywoman · 11/03/2017 16:46

Are you sure you don't have PND? You sound so down. Your life isn't over although it seems that way sometimes with a young child. It will get easier but please consider seeing the doctor about depression.

Pettywoman · 11/03/2017 16:47

Don't start trying until you've gained your equilibrium. You aren't ready.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 11/03/2017 16:50

He says its unfair on DS to be an only

That's bollocks and a poor attempt at emotional blackmail. Suggest he takes his head out of his arse and does a bit of looking about - because if he did then he'd see that for every sibling relationship which is close, there are plenty of others where they hate each other and don't get on. Being related is no guarantee that you'll like/love each other.

What is unfair is emotionally manipulating someone into having a child that they may not want. Pretty simple for him to say that he wants another when it's not his physical and mental health on the line.

Sounds like you need a full and frank conversation with your 'D'H.

Original poster
dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 16:51

They aren't very helpful, to be honest. Just keep saying I need a support network with a baby.

OP posts:
Alice212 · 11/03/2017 16:52

OP "He says its unfair on DS to be an only."

rubbish. and how is this fair on you?

" In for apenny in for a pound. "

stop thinking in cliches. Try thinking double the misery, twice the amount of horrible, boring, unfulfilling and hard that you have already done.

I have a contact who had IVF and blamed it all on her partner. They have twins. She is beyond fucking miserable. One of the kids was in hospital recently and she was relieved to only be dealing with one.

You may have PND. You also might want to never ever go through this again.

gamerchick · 11/03/2017 16:53

It doesn't matter what he thinks. If you do as your told you'll end up resenting him. Don't have another baby until your ready.

It's alright for him he doesn't have to look after a toddler while coping with morning sickness and that extreme tiredness as well as being big and tired coping later on.

gamerchick · 11/03/2017 16:54

You're

CheckpointCharlie2 · 11/03/2017 16:56

Yes we too wanted another child so the first one wasn't an only child. There are six years between them! It doesn't have to be so soon and you need to tell him how you feel.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 11/03/2017 16:59

If you aren't happy you need to talk to him. His wish to have another child doesn't trump yours not to.

wowbutter · 11/03/2017 17:02

From you op I have some issues.
How exactly has your life changed? And how has his not?
Is it because you are feeding the child still? Bottle.
Is it because you have to take leave? Your DH can take shared parental leave after he first two weeks you can go back to work.
Your DH can out a request in for flexible working enabling you to work.

Can you elaborate on what is causing you to feel so trapped?

Warmworm · 11/03/2017 17:02

I'm an only child and had a very happy childhood. I've never understood why people panic so much about having only one child.

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