To feel he has me just where he wants me

[dreamreckless]

And I do not know what to do about it?

I suppose once you have children you can't put them back, and I feel like any chance I had at maybe normal life has gone

sorry

[PidgeonSpray]

How are you doing OP? @Dreamreckless?

I remember your thread regarding your husband being potentially sociopathic and a sadist.

Please don't get even further trapped by having another baby.

Is your h still showing strange behaviour?

Hope you and baby are ok

[MrDacresEUSubsidy]

Can't give specific advice - no DC of my own so no first hand knowledge!!

However my lovely MIL, now sadly no longer with us, was hilariously open about the fact that she didn't really like children. She found babies boring, toddlers knackering, tweens annoying...it was only in the later teen years that she found it rewarding, once the 'worst' of the teen ups and downs had passed. Her theory was that some women like the baby stage, some like the small kids stage - she only liked the 'almost grown-up' point - and that everyone is different as a parent. She was a lovely and very wise lady and a great MIL. I really miss her.

[TENSHI]

You've talked about wanting to give him back. You feel trapped because you can't.

Acknowledging these things and being honest is positive. I imagine you have told your dh.

The fact that he is pressurising you to have a second shows a complete disregard to your feelings which would fuel any resentment, understandably.

Is there anyway you can get daycare for your baby?

Childminder? Au pair? Share a nanny? Maybe just a babysitter so you can have a sleep if you didn't want to go out?

Do you get enough 'me' time?

Please put yourself first and do what you need to do because it's in all your interests for you to be happy.

Your feelings are valid. Some mums just aren't cut out to be stay at home mums. You do have choices.

Please do what is best for you

[LagunaBubbles]

Dont have another. If you feel you are depressed please seek help. Alternatively if you arent depressed then you have to think about whats best for your son.

[Miniwookie]

It does get easier as they get older though. My DC are in school now and I feel like me again. I have a social life and I work. Yes I'm not free to do what I want when I want, but can do it with planning. My friends with only one child have even more freedom as when their child is with friends they don't have anyone else to look after and its easir for family to take one child for sleepovers/babysitting etc. It took a long time to bond with my first too (longer than a year). What I'm trying to say is it won't always feel like this (but don't be pressured into having more or staying home if you don't want to)

[Alice212]

oh OP
have an unmumsnetty hug from me

I'm sure my mum wouldn't have had chosen children either if she had really understood but she didn't ruin my life.

I can imagine that work is not the answer.

But your DH needs to step up and/or you need to get more childcare if you can so you can have time to revert back to being you. You can't send the child back no - but you dont have to be with him 24/7.

[ZilphasHatpin]

*near

[ZilphasHatpin]

Sleep will be the key here, I would almost bet my house on it. It is impossible to have any sort of normal enjoyment of life when you are permanently running on empty. I have been there. I still slip back to there sometimes. Good sleep, consistently will make such a difference to how you feel.

Is he crying for milk? Or just to have to bear him?

[GladysKnight]

Your thread title is a bit worrying though. Is your husband bullying you?

[GladysKnight]

So, you must get the sleep issue fixed. Your sleep, that is. No wonder you feel so awful. Not to say you would miraculously suddenly love every moment of your existence, but you would have a better chance of seeing what you can do tomake it better,and more energy to put changes in place.

Yes kids do squash spontaneity and I miss that too, but I've got used to it and have enjoyed being spontaneous with the kids when thwy get older ( in my case it's usually dh who is the stick-in-the mud usually, not the kids)

[Foxysoxy01]

I really don't think you are ruining his life.

You need to start helping yourself to make life happier and easier for you which in turn makes life happier and easier for everyone you touch.

You need to start asking yourself some questions about how you can make things better for yourself and what steps can you take to get there
for example step one could be see the GP get some talking therapy.

It sounds like you are stuck in this cycle of feeling shit and focusing on how crap you feel so you need to try and change your focus into how to get yourself feeling happier and more able to cope.

[dreamreckless]

I think all the spontaneity has gone. Can't go anywhere, can't do anything. Work is horrendous because I can't sleep because he cries, staying at home is so boring.

[ZilphasHatpin]

You're not ruining his life! You're not. Can you identify why you feel having him has ruined yours? I feel you can do that and break it down into smaller issues you can address It might help to feel a bit more positive about being a parent.

[dreamreckless]

The thing is, everyone is focusing on me not having a second and I understand that, but I can't change the first. He's here. I don't feel very wellconnected to him (and please please don't start telling me how I'm ruining his life, I would never have had one if I'd known I'd feel like this but everyone said I'd feel OK when I had him) and leaving dh is hardly the answer is it!

[Foxysoxy01]

I hope this doesn't sound really horrible but it's your life your are perfectly capable of making decisions for you.

If you have another child while feeling like this then that is very selfish to both of your children and yourself.

You can't just say you don't want another, you feel down and generally shit then say oh well we are supposed to be ttc this month another won't make a difference etc etc. It's selfish and really a bit pathetic.

I really think you should take control of how you are feeling and get some help. I would suggest a visit to your GP and that you sound depressed which counselling and/or anti depressants would help.

Please don't bring another child into this at the moment. Get yourself sorted first and tell your husband you cannot have another at the moment and until he grows a womb he will have to get over it.

[Parker231]

If you don't want a second D.C., don't have one! We planned on just one and got twins. I wouldn't swop them for anything but if I'd had just one, it would have remained an only child.

Are you back at work yet? What are your career plans?

[cheeseoverchocolate]

I could have written this! Just for this reason my husband and I decided not to go for a second one (although we will be reconsidering our decision later just in case).

Are you on maternity leave or a stay-at-home parent? I have recently gone back to work and this has made a massive difference. If you'd asked me a year ago what I thought of my job, I would have told you it's just okay. Now I absolutely love it and everything feels so exciting. I love being able to interact with adults, be set challenging and stimulating tasks,etc. Some argue financially it's not worth going back to work (depending on where you live, what job you have, what childcare facilities you will use) but I personally think it is worth it.
Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

[Viviennemary]

I think it would be absolutely mad to have another baby at this time. A baby and a barely two year old is quite hard work IMHO. But it does suit some people but it wouldn't have suited me. You must tell your DH immediately that you are in no way ready to have another baby. And think about the long term future and what you want careerwise.

[MrsRhubarb]

I really don't want to read and run. You sound like you're having such a rubbish time.

If it's any help, at that age I was still struggling to find any sort of normality, and I was lucky enough to have had an easy pregnancy and birth followed by a high needs baby Had we had a second then I know I would totally have fallen apart. Luckily DH agreed that the timing was much too soon, even though it was what we have agreed pre-DC, and we waited. I'm due DC2 next month, and DC1 is three and a half. I have been able to enjoy the time we've had together, and she is old enough to be involved and excited about the arrival of a sibling. This pregnancy has been a lot tougher than the last, and I'm incredibly greteful that she is older and more independent otherwise I would have totally fallen apart.

Just because you may want a second DC, it doesn't mean it has to be right now. Pregnancy and birth takes a huge toll on your body and mind, there is nothing wrong with giving it time to recover. Your DH should respect this.

[eyespydreams]

You DEFINITELY don't have to be trying right now... it's not the law to have 2 kids 2 years apart although you'd think it was sometimes. Just say 'I'm not ready, physically, practically or emotionally to do this again and since I bear the brunt of it, it's my choice. I might not even ever want another one. Or, I might only want another one if you are the sahp and I go back to work after 3 months'. How do you think he'd react to this? It IS so hard, even if you're dying to do it. And yes, women seem to bear the brunt.

[FannyDeFuzz]

I felt like this. I love my daughter and love being a mum. But was shell-shocked and stunned by how my life had changed, become so limited, while my partner at the time had nothing change. It was so fucking unfair.

Like I said, I felt like this until I realised it was about the man and not the baby, so I dumped my partner. a smart move, as it turned out. He's not in DD's life and doesn't pay a penny. Hth

[Alice212]

OP I agree you must not have unprotected sex.

but you should also tel your partner how you feel.

and dare I say, have a read of this thread (well okay not all of it as it's huge but some of it might help!)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2731884-I-hate-having-kids?pg=1

[RedAndYellowPeppers]

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? How horrible the oh was, how awful the birth was?
Does he think that those were not that bad to take the risk of putting you through it again??

Fwiw I know plenty of women who have waiting A LONG TIME before having another for the same reasons than you. Some also have decided to never have another. Too hard mentally and physically.

I think you are right that, in some ways, his life hasn't changed that much. His body suffer. His MH didn't suffer. That's what it's going to.

I would stand my ground on that one and say that you are not ready mentally nor physically to do it again.
I would also get some counselling around the birth. It was clearly bad and you need to unpick all that. And then maybe you will feel like having another or maybe not. But your DH is NOT the person who will tell you that you should get on or not. Oh is your and only your decision as you are the one to get through it. The same way that a termination is only a woman's choice btw.

[Toobloodytired]

I've got an older sister & a slightly younger brother, neither of which I talk to.

I've got 3 much younger brothers who are all equally young enough to be my children....I see them once per month.

All 3 of those brothers moan about having to share, about having other siblings.

NONE of my only child friends have ever moaned about being only children

[Atenco]

Gosh OP, I loved being a mother to my dd and even so I balked at looking after two small children in nappies. You obviously hate being a mother and yet want to up the ante. You also don't sound like you are enjoying being a wife.