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AIBU?

To feel he has me just where he wants me

60 replies

dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 15:57

And I do not know what to do about it?

I suppose once you have children you can't put them back, and I feel like any chance I had at maybe normal life has gone

sorry

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TENSHI · 11/03/2017 17:06

I had a hateful mother who thought like this, she never stopped telling us never get married or have children as they would ruin your life.

She never sought counselling either as she thought it was normal to think like that.

See if you can get referred for PND.

If you feel otherwise fine please don't have another dc as your resentment and hostility will be noticeable as children are intuitive.

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GladysKnight · 11/03/2017 17:15

If your dh can ' carry on his life with just a baby as an ornament' does that mean he is back at work ft and you aren't, but would like to be? Then there is no reason why it should be him not you. Even if he earnsmore, that doesn't trump your happiness, and if he finds parenting more rewarding than you do then everybody wins. And imo it would be wrong to have another child while you feel like this - and still will be in 15 yrs time if you still feel the same way.

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dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 17:16

I'm not your mother though am I? And this isn't about you.

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TENSHI · 11/03/2017 17:19

No I'm not but you sound full of resentment which if you have more dc they will know and then feel guilty for causing it.

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GladysKnight · 11/03/2017 17:23

Yenshi I think you could have put that more tactfully, you could have said your dm seemed unhappy and you are sad about it. I very much doubt if op would behave like your dm. For one thing she has already sought help as she knows not eve feels this way

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GladysKnight · 11/03/2017 17:23

Not everyone, sorry, sticky screen

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ZilphasHatpin · 11/03/2017 17:28

Please please don't have unprotected sex with him. You're clearly miserable! A baby is not just a baby. It's a new person, a whole new person who you will be responsible for, permanently, constantly, 24/7, while he once again carries on with his life. A new baby will not change him, it will just make things worse for you. This is not the right time for you to take on more stress. You can see that right?

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TENSHI · 11/03/2017 17:30

I'm not sad about it any more, it is what it is.

Unfortunately when you have a mother who resents the position you have put her in by your existence it ends up ruining the child/children's life/lives.

It's tragic all round.

Which is why it is good to acknowledge it and get help.

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CheesyWeez · 11/03/2017 17:30

If you don't feel ready, don't do it. I felt the same when my first child was 1, I could not even think about coping with 2 small children. Looking back I was probably depressed - and I had been made redundant during my mat leave, which didn't help.
Suddenly when DC1 was 5 years old, I really really wanted another, and so that's what we did.
Can you tell DH honestly why you don't want another?

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Mathena · 11/03/2017 17:30

you're clearly unhappy, so he is being very unreasonable if he tries to talk you in to another child.

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Atenco · 11/03/2017 17:34

Gosh OP, I loved being a mother to my dd and even so I balked at looking after two small children in nappies. You obviously hate being a mother and yet want to up the ante. You also don't sound like you are enjoying being a wife.

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Toobloodytired · 11/03/2017 17:35

I've got an older sister & a slightly younger brother, neither of which I talk to.

I've got 3 much younger brothers who are all equally young enough to be my children....I see them once per month.

All 3 of those brothers moan about having to share, about having other siblings.

NONE of my only child friends have ever moaned about being only children

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RedAndYellowPeppers · 11/03/2017 17:38

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? How horrible the oh was, how awful the birth was?
Does he think that those were not that bad to take the risk of putting you through it again??

Fwiw I know plenty of women who have waiting A LONG TIME before having another for the same reasons than you. Some also have decided to never have another. Too hard mentally and physically.

I think you are right that, in some ways, his life hasn't changed that much. His body suffer. His MH didn't suffer. That's what it's going to.

I would stand my ground on that one and say that you are not ready mentally nor physically to do it again.
I would also get some counselling around the birth. It was clearly bad and you need to unpick all that. And then maybe you will feel like having another or maybe not. But your DH is NOT the person who will tell you that you should get on or not. Oh is your and only your decision as you are the one to get through it. The same way that a termination is only a woman's choice btw.

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Alice212 · 11/03/2017 17:38

OP I agree you must not have unprotected sex.

but you should also tel your partner how you feel.

and dare I say, have a read of this thread (well okay not all of it as it's huge but some of it might help!)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2731884-I-hate-having-kids?pg=1

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FannyDeFuzz · 11/03/2017 17:38

I felt like this. I love my daughter and love being a mum. But was shell-shocked and stunned by how my life had changed, become so limited, while my partner at the time had nothing change. It was so fucking unfair.

Like I said, I felt like this until I realised it was about the man and not the baby, so I dumped my partner. a smart move, as it turned out. He's not in DD's life and doesn't pay a penny. Hth

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eyespydreams · 11/03/2017 17:41

You DEFINITELY don't have to be trying right now... it's not the law to have 2 kids 2 years apart although you'd think it was sometimes. Just say 'I'm not ready, physically, practically or emotionally to do this again and since I bear the brunt of it, it's my choice. I might not even ever want another one. Or, I might only want another one if you are the sahp and I go back to work after 3 months'. How do you think he'd react to this? It IS so hard, even if you're dying to do it. And yes, women seem to bear the brunt.

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MrsRhubarb · 11/03/2017 17:43

I really don't want to read and run. You sound like you're having such a rubbish time.

If it's any help, at that age I was still struggling to find any sort of normality, and I was lucky enough to have had an easy pregnancy and birth followed by a high needs baby Had we had a second then I know I would totally have fallen apart. Luckily DH agreed that the timing was much too soon, even though it was what we have agreed pre-DC, and we waited. I'm due DC2 next month, and DC1 is three and a half. I have been able to enjoy the time we've had together, and she is old enough to be involved and excited about the arrival of a sibling. This pregnancy has been a lot tougher than the last, and I'm incredibly greteful that she is older and more independent otherwise I would have totally fallen apart.

Just because you may want a second DC, it doesn't mean it has to be right now. Pregnancy and birth takes a huge toll on your body and mind, there is nothing wrong with giving it time to recover. Your DH should respect this.

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Viviennemary · 11/03/2017 17:48

I think it would be absolutely mad to have another baby at this time. A baby and a barely two year old is quite hard work IMHO. But it does suit some people but it wouldn't have suited me. You must tell your DH immediately that you are in no way ready to have another baby. And think about the long term future and what you want careerwise.

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cheeseoverchocolate · 11/03/2017 17:54

I could have written this! Just for this reason my husband and I decided not to go for a second one (although we will be reconsidering our decision later just in case).

Are you on maternity leave or a stay-at-home parent? I have recently gone back to work and this has made a massive difference. If you'd asked me a year ago what I thought of my job, I would have told you it's just okay. Now I absolutely love it and everything feels so exciting. I love being able to interact with adults, be set challenging and stimulating tasks,etc. Some argue financially it's not worth going back to work (depending on where you live, what job you have, what childcare facilities you will use) but I personally think it is worth it.
Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

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Parker231 · 11/03/2017 17:56

If you don't want a second D.C., don't have one! We planned on just one and got twins. I wouldn't swop them for anything but if I'd had just one, it would have remained an only child.

Are you back at work yet? What are your career plans?

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Foxysoxy01 · 11/03/2017 18:00

I hope this doesn't sound really horrible but it's your life your are perfectly capable of making decisions for you.

If you have another child while feeling like this then that is very selfish to both of your children and yourself.

You can't just say you don't want another, you feel down and generally shit then say oh well we are supposed to be ttc this month another won't make a difference etc etc. It's selfish and really a bit pathetic.

I really think you should take control of how you are feeling and get some help. I would suggest a visit to your GP and that you sound depressed which counselling and/or anti depressants would help.

Please don't bring another child into this at the moment. Get yourself sorted first and tell your husband you cannot have another at the moment and until he grows a womb he will have to get over it.

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dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 18:12

The thing is, everyone is focusing on me not having a second and I understand that, but I can't change the first. He's here. I don't feel very wellconnected to him (and please please don't start telling me how I'm ruining his life, I would never have had one if I'd known I'd feel like this but everyone said I'd feel OK when I had him) and leaving dh is hardly the answer is it!

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ZilphasHatpin · 11/03/2017 18:17

You're not ruining his life! You're not. Can you identify why you feel having him has ruined yours? I feel you can do that and break it down into smaller issues you can address It might help to feel a bit more positive about being a parent.

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dreamreckless · 11/03/2017 18:20

I think all the spontaneity has gone. Can't go anywhere, can't do anything. Work is horrendous because I can't sleep because he cries, staying at home is so boring.

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Foxysoxy01 · 11/03/2017 18:27

I really don't think you are ruining his life.

You need to start helping yourself to make life happier and easier for you which in turn makes life happier and easier for everyone you touch.

You need to start asking yourself some questions about how you can make things better for yourself and what steps can you take to get there
for example step one could be see the GP get some talking therapy.

It sounds like you are stuck in this cycle of feeling shit and focusing on how crap you feel so you need to try and change your focus into how to get yourself feeling happier and more able to cope.