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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder wtaf is wrong with my MiL?

85 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 06/02/2017 22:42

She has form for quite a bit of nasty selfish behaviour, particularly round the dc. Quite controlling.

Her latest thing is to describe me as 'mean and spiteful' to dd. Admittedly dd is only 1 but it still annoys me and sometimes ds is there too and he is 7.

She says it in response to such horrors as making dd put a coat on, not allowing her three chocolate biscuits, closing the stair gate so she can't keep climbing the stairs, putting her in her car seat...
MiL will say 'ahhh has nasty spiteful mummy strapped you in?' 'Has nasty spiteful mummy stopped you eating biscuits?' Her other favourite - if dd cries in response to any of the above - is to say 'has mummy made you cry? You've made her cry now, ahhh and she was all happy. You've gone and upset her.'

Just fuck off! Every time I see her I can feel my blood pressure rising. There's no reasoning with her. It's futile.

OP posts:
SilenceOfTheYams · 06/02/2017 22:43

I wouldn't be spending any time with her if that was the way she spoke about me in front of my children. Not a chance in hell.

drowninginpinkplastic · 06/02/2017 22:44

You should tell her too fuck off and stop saying such awful things. She sounds like the Nasty spiteful woman.

RandomMess · 06/02/2017 22:46

Seriously you still let your DC around her, I wouldn't!!!

It's not remotely acceptable Shock

Saying something like "Awww has Mummy made you cry" in that kind tone which means nothing mean at all, just that observation that your DC didn't want to do something that needed to be done is COMPLETELY different.

To actually say "nasty, spiteful Mummy" is just utterly vile IMHO

altiara · 06/02/2017 22:46

Agree 100% with silence
Plus if she behaves like this in front of you, what is she saying when you're not there?

Bluebellevergreen · 06/02/2017 22:46

WTF?????????!!!!
I wouldnt let her near my child and would be having a serious chat.
WTAF??!!!!
Beyond passive agressive!!!

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 06/02/2017 22:47

Dh says she's just tactless.

I disagree. There's definite method to it and it's malicious in the intent.

OP posts:
kissmethere · 06/02/2017 22:51

Very venomous. I'd be saying "is nasty nana being horrible about your lovely mummy again?"
They're underhanded digs.
Or " don't listen the wicked witch talking about mummy like that kids" all in a sickly sweet voice.

kissmethere · 06/02/2017 22:53

Give Jack back his jacket is the saying. She sounds like an awful bitch. That's not tactless it's spiteful.

Foldedtshirt · 06/02/2017 22:54

DH needs to tell her very firmly to stop that immediately.

Kookypants · 06/02/2017 22:56

And your OH says what to this completely unacceptable behaviour...

Bluebellevergreen · 06/02/2017 22:58

I'd be saying "is nasty nana being horrible about your lovely mummy again?"
This ^^ PLEASE Grin

Kookypants · 06/02/2017 22:58

Cross-post. Jeez, your OH is completely conditioned. You need to tell her to stop or else no more visits.

AdoraBell · 06/02/2017 22:59

Tell your DH that he needs to tell her to stop or she won't see the GC again. If he won't stand up to her do what kissmethere suggested.

123rd · 06/02/2017 23:02

I actually would say to her in front of your husband ( not in front of the kids tho) " if you continue to say things like that you will no longer be able to spend time with my children"
if she says she is only joking,
Say " well, I'm not. "

llangennith · 06/02/2017 23:05

What 123rd said

SugarMiceInTheRain · 06/02/2017 23:07

123rd put it best - if your DH won't stand up to her (and tbh I'd lose quite a bit of respect for him for that) then you need to, in no uncertain terms.

ConvincingLiar · 06/02/2017 23:09

123rd's approach sounds good. Don't engage in her idiocy.

Pallisers · 06/02/2017 23:12

I actually would say to her in front of your husband ( not in front of the kids tho) " if you continue to say things like that you will no longer be able to spend time with my children"
if she says she is only joking,
Say " well, I'm not. "

123 has it right. But also when she says it in front of the children say "don't talk about me like that in front of my children" and keep repeating. What a dose.

(love the phrase Give Jack back his Jacket)

Littledrummergirl · 06/02/2017 23:14

I'd be saying "is nasty nana being horrible about your lovely mummy again?"

I would add "doesn't your nasty nanna want to keep you safe/healthy so you grow up happy? Poor baby, at least your mummy loves you so much she wants to look after you properly. "

Play her at her own game.

RedastheRose · 06/02/2017 23:18

Tell your husband that the next time you see her you will tell her that if she says that you are 'nasty and spiteful' again to your children or anything else at all derogatory then you will show her just how nasty and spiteful you can be by taking the children away and she will not be allowed to see them again. Then tell him that if he doesn't like it he had better have serious words with her first. You should not be treated like this and DH should grow some balls and tell his mother it's to stop. This is his problem.

ChasedByBees · 06/02/2017 23:19

I think you need to directly challenge her as 123 says. This isn't a joke.

MammaTJ · 06/02/2017 23:20

I am a Granny and I know my DGC needs to be strapped in, I know she needs to put her coat on if it is cold, I know she needs to not eat biscuits whenever she would like!

OK, I am not my Granddaughters favourite grandparent but I'm pretty solidly in her parents lives and they are who matters!

Your MIL needs to learn this!

Benedikte2 · 06/02/2017 23:20

Your MIL is ultimately being emotionally abusive to your DC. MIL may think she's currying favour with your DD by siding with her but no child wants to hear their loved parents being slagged off by anyone. DD may be a baby but she can still pick up on the tone plus when is MIL planning to desist with what appears to be a nasty habit?
This behaviour is just plain unacceptable -- if it continues not only will your DD end up confused and emotionally upset but the seeds will be planted for her to defy you to get her own way. A happy and secure child knows there are boundaries

Jenniferb21 · 06/02/2017 23:21

Your DH should address this with her to support you. I'm sure you would if your mum did this to DH?!

But failing that working immediately I would speak to her face to face and say regardless of whether she is joking, you don't appreciate that your children are being told they have a mum who isn't nice to them and you'll stop spending time with her if she can't be supportive.

It's seriously damaging at a precious time of a child's early development for them to question their mother's love and intentions. It's important for family members to appreciate the boundaries you set so that they learn that they are for their benefit and not as a punishment. I.e they aren't allowed 3 biccys because they are bad for their teeth/ unhealthy rather than because mum is mean and punishing them.

Put your foot down. I have terrible problems with FIL and I try to always remember I'm boss here and ifs my way or no way.

GabsAlot · 06/02/2017 23:31

thats not tactless sorry

its obviously delibrate to patronise and degrade u

what was she like before dc

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